Past Year One

10/13/15

I am officially into year two now since my first anniversary of diagnosis was on the 11th. Here I sit at my weekly doctor appointment waiting for my blood draw. It isn't even 0900 and I have already worked two hours and driven to Anchorage. I will take files to our Anchorage office after this appointment, drive back to Palmer and work a couple of hours, and then babysit Ollie for a couple hours. I already have a pot of chili prepared for dinner. Whew! I'm glad I can keep up with myself!

10/14/15

Happy 5th month anniversary post transplant to me and my French baby cells. Yay!! Thank you, God that I'm still alive. I just had my second spinal tap since diagnosis. It went okay but the doctor had to poke me a couple times before he got fluid. Now I have to stay on my back for 2.5 hours to help prevent a spinal headache. Waiting. I'm good at that now.

10/16/15

Happy birthday to Meghan! Last year she and Ollie flew down to see me on her birthday. I was on the chemo pills and very sick. Last night we all met at Hacienda and had dinner together. All in a year! So much progress in a year and it seems amazing.

10/17/15

Yesterday was a rough day. I ended up getting extremely  nauseous yesterday and curled up on a bench in my boss's office. Not my finest hour. I am feeling pretty worthless. I want so badly to do my share and I try, but sometimes I feel so bad. I don't like feeling I have let my co-workers down. My boss called Patrick to come get me. I felt like I was doing the walk of shame when I left. Am I really good to anyone?

My blood sugars were out of control and I think that was the culprit. It got as high as 505 and stayed in the 400's most of the day. I still feel nauseous today but BG is normal.

You alone are my strength and shield. To you oh Lord does my spirit yield. You alone are my heart's desire and I long to worship thee.

10/18/15

This morning I feel a lot better. I still have a headache, but don't feel "off" like I did before. I hope Patrick is up for a drive to Homer today. I would love to walk the beach. He's still sleeping. He had a good time fishing yesterday. I'm glad he did something fun. There's no reason for him to sit and watch me be miserable. I think I just needed to rest and rest I did. I love being at our cabin.

10/20/15

Had a very good doctor appointment today. Labs are good and lumbar puncture results also good. No sign of relapse, praise God. I feel a lot better after resting all weekend. It was a good day at work too. Tonight I went back to my first United way meeting in months. I'm excited about all the upcoming events to help our community. Feels so good to be back in the game!

10/21/15

I confess I am struggling with guilt for being sick. I know people aren't judging me by my limitations, yet I struggle with feeling inadequate for not doing enough. I want so badly to be back at work in full capacity. I understand the frustration my co-workers have because there's so much I can't do. We are short handed and I helplessly watch the stress around me while desiring to help make it better. That's what my role has always been - trying to make everything better for everyone. I am unable to do so at this time. This is the life of a post-transplant survivor. I want to be normal, but I am not. I keep telling myself I am still helping, but the devil keeps taunting me that I'm not doing enough. I have a war going on in my head.

Oh the words written in "Jesus Today" speak directly to me. "Your life can be good even when many things are not going as you would like. You yearn to feel more in control of your life, but this is not my way for you. I want you to relax more in my sovereignty, receiving each day as a good gift from me- no matter what it contains. Remember you are not responsible for things beyond your control. Accept the limitations of being a finite person and keep turning towards me. Cease striving and know that I am God. Awareness of my face shining upon you can install joy into the most difficult day. "

Oh, thank you Jesus for these words you have for me on this day. Help me not to be upset with what I can't do, but joyful in what I can. I am ALIVE! There is much to celebrate. 

10/24/15

This is the day we had to say goodbye to our son, Logan, 17 years ago. It was a Saturday night at 10:10 pm. He struggled all day and we knew it was going to be the day. Not a moment goes by that we don't still feel the pain of losing our first-born child. Our family has been left with memories that are both painful and joyful. He taught us how to be courageous and strong. We miss you, Logan and look forward to the day when we can hold you again.

Last year I was in the hospital, all alone at night, with memories flooding back. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest after receiving a similar diagnosis as Logan just 13 days before the anniversary of his death. Part of me welcomed death because I could be with him again. But part of me yearned to fight because I felt needed here on earth. How would my family cope with losing the two of us to a blood cancer?  Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse who sat with me and let me cry and talk about Logan. She cried with me and showed great compassion.

Today we are going to take Ollie for a drive and out to lunch. I will pretend Uncle Logan is with us. We have already told her about her uncle and she recognizes his pictures. He would have loved being an uncle.

10/27/15

Things went well traveling to Mayo Clinc this time. TSA pre-check went through, the flights were decent, and I had the pleasure of being picked up by my friend Faith. We hung out for a few hours and then my friend Lisa met up with me. She stayed with me both nights and went to all my appointments yesterday.

The appointments went well. I got to see Dr. Hogan and he was pleased overall with my progress. He wants me to see a neurologist to investigate the issue with my legs. He was a bit concerned my WBC and ANC dropped, but hopes its a temporary problem. I got my Hickman out!

Last night my blood sugar dropped very low. Lisa had a Snickers bar so I was eating it when I remembered my nut allergy I developed post transplant. I did ok at first, but woke up sick as can be. I am sitting at airport waiting for my flight praying I get better quickly.

10/29/15

Flights went okay. I felt better as the day went on. I am still suffering from some stomach pain and nausea, but hope it will be gone soon. I worked yesterday as the jet lag wasn't too bad. I also went grocery shopping with Meghan and Ollie. I took a late nap when I got home and Patrick made dinner since I was too tired. I have an eye doctor appointment this afternoon. Hopefully I can get a nap in before the appointment. Getting up at 0400 wears me out.

I got very nauseous at the eye doctor office. I hate to tell Dr. Hogan, but I think the prednisone did help with the nausea. I may have to go back on it.

10/30/15

My new granddaughter came tonight. I lived to see her. I am blessed.

11/1/15

Wow, I was in bed for almost 12 hours last night! We picked Ollie up and took her trick or treating. We just went to Granny's house, her Grandma Jane's, Aunt Connie's, and to one neighbor of Granny's. She got a ton of candy and had a good time. Of course, as usual, when she got here she wanted to take a bath. I have never seen a kid who likes baths as much as her!  I watched her and Papa play in her playhouse and got sleepier by the moment. It was 7 pm when I went to bed! I just couldn't do it. I was unable to take my afternoon nap and just worn out. I'm glad she still loves being with me despite my limitations. Little Ailynn is a doll and I got to hold her quite a bit yesterday afternoon. 

11/3/15

Yesterday I picked Ollie up from her Auntie Kate and kept her all afternoon. I got her to take a nap and planned on taking one myself, but couldn't sleep! I was pretty worn out last night. We picked Granny up and took her to see Ailynn and Meghan when we dropped Ollie off. Meghan needed to start using the wood stove again, so I can't go back up there. Until she feels well enough to drive here, I won't be able to visit with her or the girls. 

I went to see Dr. Spencer this morning. My labs show my white blood count is still very low as is my ANC. If it's still low next week I have to get a bone marrow biopsy. It's an indicator of relapse. I'm trying not to worry, but the thought of going through all that again makes me sick just thinking about it. You have this God, no matter the outcome, I trust you and my faith will not waver. I want so badly to be here for my family. I want the new baby to know me. I don't want Ollie to forget me, and I don't want to leave my husband, children, family, and friends. But I keep reminding myself that I have a lot of family in Heaven, including Logan. Not to mention Jesus! As the song goes, " I can only Imagine".

11/5/15

I had a fabulous night's sleep last night. I had lots of energy for work and feel really positive about things today. I feel so healthy. Tonight I am going to the Mat-Su chapter of 100 plus Women who Care. I'm excited to be part of this community supporting group that helps fund various non-profits of the Valley. I love giving back to my community. No, I shouldn't be going since it will be crowded, but I will wear Bane and isolate myself best I can.

11/7/15

"Giver of every breath I breathe

Author of all eternity

Giver of every perfect thing

To you be the glory

I'm alive because I'm alive in you

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive

It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ

That covers me and raised this dead man's life

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive 

I'm alive, I'm alive!"

Hallelujah, I AM alive! Praise you, God, for another gift- another day of life here on earth. I feel terrific and have for a few days straight. I just finished two miles on the treadmill. Normally I work out in the afternoon, but since it's Saturday and I'm not working, I did it first thing this morning.

I hope Meghan feels well enough to bring Ailynn over this morning. I can't go to their house because of the wood stove and I can't be around Ollie because she is sick. I haven't seen the baby for five days! The restrictions are frustrating, but I'm alive! Thank you, Jesus. I will follow the rules in order to keep me safe.

11/9/15

Well darn it, I'm sick! Been running a fever with body aches and nausea. Patrick is on a business trip so Mom stayed night with me. I'm finally feeling better and ate some soup. Tomorrow I see my doctor and have labs.

11/12/15

I haven't felt this sick since I had chemo. I feel worse rather than better. I have lost my voice and my throat feels like a gallon of bleach had been poured down it. I don't have strep, but it sure feels like it. Mom spent two nights with me while Patrick was out of town. He took yesterday off to stay with me. This mornIng I am on my own.

11/13/15

I finally feel like I am going to live. Last night my temperature was over 101. I had blood cultures done. Negative for RSV, Strep, and influenza. I haven't worked but three hours this week. I think I will be able to put a full day in tomorrow to make up for it. Obviously it doesn't completely make up for missing a whole week, but I can get some stuff done. 

Mom had knee surgery yesterday and I wish I could have been able to help  her. I sure hope she doesn't get what I have. 

Dr. Spencer called and told me she doesn't want me to have contact with Ollie and Ailynn. That broke my heart to hear it and I just can't comply. I have lost so much. Being with the girls gives me hope and happiness. Everything can't be taken from me. 

11/14/15

Happy six month anniversary to my French baby cells and me. Six month has been overall good to me. Last week has frankly sucked. I suppose the bad has to come occasionally to remind me to take it easy and not over-do things. I would prefer just doing too much and feeling fine. The song keeps coming to mind: Onward Christian Soldier, marching as to war. With the cross of Jesus, going on before. Christ the royal Master, leads against the foe, forward into battle, see his banners go. At the sign of triumph, Satan's host doth flee. On then, Christian soldiers, on to victory.

You see, I have been in a mighty battle. Swords have been raised against me, I have been poisoned, and radiation has killed my old marrow. Yet here I stand, six months later, shouting in victory. I am alive! It hasn't been easy and I have been discouraged many times, but I serve a faithful God and he sends his messengers to pick me back up and send me back into that battle, a little stronger than the day before. 

11/16/15

I have been so sick and discouraged- second guessing my ability to do my job and be restored so good health. Today I had a great report from the doctor with normal blood tests! It makes me feel so much more confident. I just need to gain weight. I'm back down to 105 which is gross. I feel on the mend.

11/18/15

It just keeps coming! The nausea is getting worse. It's a catch 22- I can't eat because I'm nauseous and nothing sounds good. I can't take my pills on an empty stomach or I get sick. I only lasted four hours at work today. I have to go back to taking my corn oil steroid four times a day. Better than Prednisone!

11/21/15

Thursday I had the best day. I had no nausea and felt amazing! Yesterday was okay, but not as good as Thursday. But yesterday I ate lots of food so probably gained some weight which is good. I made it all six hours three days this week. Yesterday was Kelsey's birthday and also the day Michelle graduated from nursing school. We had a great family dinner last night. I am so thrilled to be with family. 

11/24/15

Oh my gosh it's been one of "those" days. 6.5 hours seeing doctors, getting my breathing treatment, and a Chest CT scan. My kidney function is elevated, I still have a cough, and the doctor is concerned. She sent me to an infectious disease physician. One of the things mentioned was a fungal infection- same kind Logan died from after his cord-blood transplant. The specialist doesn't think there is anything to worry about, but he still has to review the scan with the radiologist who is unsure. Hopefully I will have good news tomorrow.  

I really feel at peace about this, but I am thoroughly exhausted. It's been a long day and I haven't had a nap. Yesterday was a long day too. I ended up getting sick while watching Ollie. When Meghan got here she sent me to bed. She brought me an anti-nausea pill and I slept. Ollie tried to give me other pills too. The little stinker can open child-proof locks so I have to be very careful with my medication around her.

11/25/15

The specialist doesn't think there is anything to be concerned about with my lungs. He will check with Mayo, but he thinks I will be ok. Lots to be thankful for! What a wonderful Thanksgiving.

11/26/15

We have had a great Thanksgivimg Day. Merikaye and Tim came over and we enjoyed having them and Casey for a mid-day meal. Kelsey had to work. I ate a lot of food so I'm sure there will be a weight gain at next doctor visit.  I have felt really well the past two days which is wonderful. 

11/29/15

I am so thankful for all the good things in my life. Circumstances do not define us. I can let the disappointments I have had in life overwhelm me and curl up in a ball and cry "woe is me". I could be angry and bitter because I lost my first born son, because I was diagnosed with leukemia. I have many limitations and I grieve for so many who hurt because of illness, drug addiction, or difficult situations. But my God is a good, good father. The time we have on earth s limited, but we have eternity to look forward to. Eternity is forever. We will live forever. Do you ever think about how the Royal families live ? Heaven will be so much better. Talk about royal living! Streets of gold await us. God, I lift up the hurting to you and ask you to send your Holy Spirit to each of us. Flood us with your presence. Let us become more aware of your presence. Let us experience the glory of your goodness.

Last night I decorated the house for Christmas. I had the help of Miss Ollie. Last year it was just Patrick and I on Christmas Day in Idaho. This year we are home. How good God is to have brought me this far. After Logan died my love for the holidays died too. Now I have a renewed appreciation. I am grateful for everyday. Things aren't easy and my heart is burdened for many, including someone very special to me,who is making terrible choices, but I will not lose my faith.

12/1/15

Almost the end of the year. I received a call from my nurse case manager, Carrie. Dr. Hogan and Dr. Spencer are still concerned I may have a fungal infection. It looks like I am having to change my ticket and go down sooner for additional testing. Nothing like hearing the words, "We think you may have the same fungal infection your son died from." They want me down there for three or four days of testing. I have to change my plane ticket, buy Patrick one, and change non-refundable hotel. 

12/2/15

Today is my precious Granny's 88th birthday. I stopped by and  briefly visited with her, my cousin Kara, and my great-uncle Walt. I'm so fortunate to have such a large family.

Carrie called me from Mayo. I have to be there Tuesday-Friday next week. I got my ticket changed. The Delta representative was very sweet, she waived all fees and told me she would pray for me all week. Wow! I love the fervent prayers of so many. I also got Patrick's ticket which cost a small fortune. I'm so relieved he will be with me though. 

My heart has been burdened for two people very close to me. Both were told they may have breast cancer. One does not, the other does. My heart hurts so much, but my faith remains strong. Today "Overcomer" came on the radio. I AM an Overcomer and I WILL beat is and so will the many people I love and care about with cancer.

12/3/15

2 miles on the treadmill in 30 minutes. Oh yeah.! Take THAT Leuk and potential fungal infection. You suck. God and I win.

Had to make the difficult decision today to not attend the Christmas party in Kenai this year. It is just too risky being exposed to that many people. I am sad, but I must protect myself.

12/4/15

Sometimes I cry. Today I am crying for a friend who has been fighting cancer. It appears the end is near. I should have sent more cards to her. I prayed a lot for her, but I should have done more. She has been a courageous warrior. She fought a valiant battle with much courage and dignity. She has been an encourager to me. I wanted to see her survive this horrible disease. We told each other we would make it. I hate cancer. I hate what it does to the ones left behind. There's nothing positive about cancer. I'm so thankful she's a Christian. She won't suffer much longer.

I am sad. My dogs are sad because they saw me get out my suitcase to pack for Minnesota. They must worry I will be gone months again. I haven't seen the girls in a week and Ollie has a cold so I can't see them before I leave most likely. Sometimes life seems unfair.

A very awesome lady in our community just died from cancer. Although I didn't know her well, I admired her courage along with her volunteerism in our community. I am saddened for her family.

12/6/15

Today I celebrate that I am alive and feeling well. Yesterday was a tough day for me, emotionally. Today I refuse to wallow in the self-pity of despair. Today I rejoice. Amazing love.... I have been set free. Jesus layed his life down for me. I will sing it over and over until the sadness goes away. The sadness for the dying.  The sadness for someone close to me who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and she's afraid of what is to come. The sadness of someone close to me who is addicted to drugs. The overwhelming sadness for the unsaved- for those who are unhappy simply because they don't know Jesus and their lives are a mess. I get sad, but I am not unhappy. I have goals, desires, and hopes just like a "normal" person. I'm going to be okay and so are you.

12/8/15

We made it to Rochester. I had some guy next to me who made my flight unpleasant. I sensed that he may have some special needs- perhaps a brain injury, so I tried not to get too irritated. He kept hitting me with his cane and foot. He kept brushing up against my back when I was curled up trying to sleep and he was leaning over me to look out the dark window. Talk about violating personal space! 

I had blood tests and chest x-Ray this morning and a pulmonary function test and consultation with a lung doctor. The doctor thinks it is a fungal infection. I admit I was floored. I really thought he would say it's nothing. Tomorrow I have a Bronchoscopy . They will stick a tube down my throat and biopsy my bronchial passage. Hopefully we will know by Friday. I'm certain that day they are going to say I am going to be okay. I feel too good to be diagnosed with something so serious.

We treated ourselves to a nice dinner at Red Lobster, one of my favorite restaurants. I had my first alcoholic drink in  seven months. I haven't been missing anything- it wasn't that good.

12/9/15

It is getting close to the time I have to leave for my procedure. I'm certainly not looking forward to this. Last night I let God's love just flow through me as I listened to my praise music. The music shares hope and belief with me. I finished a book last night written by a woman named Kara Tippets and her friend, Jill Lynn Buteyn. It s called, "Just Show Up." It's a wonderful book about an incredibly brave woman facing death as her body loses the fight with breast cancer. Her community surrounded her and her family with love and support. They would "just show up" and help. This is how it has been for me. You have shown up for my family and me. Thank you. 

12/10/15

Yesterday was crazy. They took me back 3.75 hours after my appointment. It was 6 hours before I got out of there.  I was so hungry.  But I couldn't eat- had to go get more blood tests because the virus I contracted after transplant was back. Finally I got to eat and then spiked a fever. My 10 consecutive 10 days of feeling well came to an end. Now I am back for more labs and then later this afternoon will have endoscopy to check on GVH.

12/12/15

This week I have had tubes stuck down my throat on two separate days, I have had sticky things ripped off my skin callously without thought after these procedures. I developed a fever and chills after the Bronchoscopy, I have been poked, prodded, and asked a million questions, I have had my nerves shocked and needles placed in my legs. I have had a large thing stuck up my nose for another test. I have had three days of blood tests and two IV's. I have waited anxiously for results that still won't be back for a week. But I thank God for the good results so far. i have prayed for someone very close to me who had cancer removed from her breast yesterday and I have thanked God for her good news.  I grieve for a childhood friend dying of pancreatic cancer and thank God she is a believer. I have prayed constantly for a friend in a terrible DV marriage. I pray for another friend in a loveless marriage. I am burdened for someone close to me addicted to drugs.. But Satan is scoring zero and God is scoring billions. I trust him.

I was just called Sir again. it is so humiliating. Many may tell me I am too vane, that I should just be grateful to be alive, looks don't matter, etc.  But until you have walked in my shoes, you don't understand. I am a bag of bones with hanging skin and a shell of myself. Being called a man is such an emotionally disturbing insult and it truly hurts. I don't think I am dishonoring God by feeling this way. I try not to make it my daily focus, but yet it stares at me in the mirror.

12/14/15

Happy 7 month post-transplant birthday to me! Wow, 7 months!!!!! I feel FANTASTIC! Honestly, I feel completely normal. I'm so happy to be alive.

Last night we had Meghan and the girls over. It was so nice to see them again as it has been over two weeks since I have last seen them. They are just so adorable and I enjoyed them so much. Ailynn was sleeping and I couldn't resist getting her out of her car seat. Olivienne said, "Grammie, did you wake my sister up!" Oops, busted by a two year old.

My sister-in-law has said it's now okay to tell people she has breast cancer. Our family was reeling with the news last week that once again one of us has been attacked. The good news is they caught it early and the cancerous lump has been removed. She will likely have to do radiation, but no chemo thankfully. Please pray for her.

12/15/15

Unfortunatemy my SIL does have to have both chemo and radiation. We are very sad that yet another member of our family has to go through this. Mom did so well with her treatment for breast cancer and I am sure Sharmin will too. She's young, healthy , and in good shape which will help. It's just so scary to hear the news. I understand the emotions she is feeling. We wonder, " am  I going to beat this"?  No matter how strong ones faith is, a cancer diagnosis is overwhelming and scary.

My appointment went well today. I am up to 111! 

12/17/15

I got super good news today. There is still no sign of a fungal infection in my lungs. All my tests look good. I am still 100% donor DNA. God rocks!

I was fortunate enough to get to take care of both girls yesterday and Ailynn again today. I'm getting stronger every day and I am so thankful I can spend time with them.

12/18/15

"Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope." ( George Matheson)

14 months since diagnosis and 7 months since transplant. I have done a lot of hoping and waiting and waiting with hope.  I have been hopeful, and have felt hopeless at time. I have been both encouraged and discouraged- sometimes at the same time! I have awaited results from tests and consultations. Never once did I lose my faith. Today a sweet woman who has been following my journey shared how it has personally affected her. We have never hung out or had much of a conversation before I got sick- we really just knew each other in passing.  She said my diagnosis really affected her because she thought about it happening to someone she knew well and cared about. She had tears rolling down her cheeks as she told me how she felt she was in the room with me just from reading about my experiences. She shared with me that her daughter is dating a man who also recently went through cancer treatment. I can tell this is a woman of faith by listening to her struggle to rationalize " why do bad things happen to good people". The only answer I have is God didn't give this journey to me. He allowed it to happen. For what reason you ask? To share my story and witness to you about the power of his great love. No, I didn't want this route in my life. But I rejoice that I am able to share it and remain firmly seated in my faith and beliefs. 

Have you been asked lately if you are ready for Christmas? What does that mean really? Am I finished shopping- spending money to make others happy? My response now is, " I'm enjoying every moment because of the reason for the the season."  It's never been about gifts for me (since I was a child anyway) It's about spending time with those we love and rejoicing that Jesus came to earth to guide us and save us. It's a time for great celebration and not the gifts. I love blessing people at Christmas, no doubt about it, but I do it because I care about them, not because I feel obligated. This year the best Christmas present I will receive is the gift of being home with family. I will be seeing Ollie mesmerized by the excitement and thrill of Christmas. No, it's not about the gifts, but what joy it will be to see the brightness of her eyes as she opens up her presents. I am alive and I am home to enjoy it.

"Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord." (Psalm31:24)

12/20/15

Tonight we had my family over to celebrate Christmas. How great it felt to be surrounded by the ones I love. I rejoiced being with them. My heart hurt every time I saw the pain in my sister-in-law's eyes. Pain from the surgery and pain she was experiencing emotionally. I can just imagine what she was thinking because last year at this time I was thinking the same things most do when they are told they have cancer. It's overwhelming and scary. It breaks my heart to see her scared. She was so supportive of me and I will support her too.

My heart hurts badly right now because I just learned that someone I have been in regular contact with has died from an infection he contracted during treatment for his leukemia. It had been about two weeks since we past chatted and I feel so guilty for not being there for him.  He was happy and home last time we chatted. I feel angry right now. I HATE cancer.

12/24/15

Last year at this time Patrick took Mom to the airport so she could return to Alaska for Christmas. I started running a fever but deliberately kept it from them so no one would worry. I took Tylenol0 which was a no-no and it went down and didn't return. When I confessed to Patrick I remember getting quite the lecture. On Christmas Day it was just the two of us and Ringo. It was the first time we weren't surrounded by family.  We took Ringo for a walk and we climbed Tubbs Hill there in Coeur d'Alene. I remember Patrick asking me not to do it because I would be upset if I couldn't finish the hike. Stubborn me insisted. I had to stop several times because I was out of breath, but by gosh I did it!!!

I have already done the treadmill three times this week and it's just Thursday! I hope to do it at least one more time, maybe two more times. Each day I feel stronger and stronger. Physical exercise is so important when you are going through cancer treatment or recovering. I need to build my muscles up and I also need to gain some weight. I weighed myself Tuesday at the doctor's office and was shocked to see I lost two pounds. I'm back down to 109. Dr. Hogan really wants me to gain weight in case I get sick again. I'm trying! I eat a LOT. Somethings still don't taste good but I am really trying to eat healthier foods. I was happy that this week I started drinking my breakfast smoothies again- they are full of fruit and carrots. And they taste super good to me.

I had another fiasco trying to get the breathing treatment on Tuesday. Once again AK Regional did not know what I was going to do or how to book me into Respiratory Services. At least this time it only took an hour and fifteen minutes to get it all done from start to finish. That's an improvement......

12/26/15

Christmas was great. We spent the morning watching grandkids opening present with my parents. Well Ollie anyway. She preferred the box get anything which is tpyical. I felt honored to be there. Christmas Eve Casey and Kelsey came over which was nice. Kelsey gave me a beautiful leather journal to hold my printed out blog.  I love my family.

12/29/15

Last night I started calculating medical expenses for 2015. So far I have come up with over $28,000 in expenses not covered by the insurance company. Insane. All the housing, car rentals, hotels, prescriptions, my share of doctor bills, etc. Thank you, Jesus that I have insurance.

Our trees have been taken down and the clean up and reorganizing has begun. All I can think of is how happy I am to be alive and home and here to take care of the little things. No longer does it bother me to do menial tasks. I'm just grateful I'm here to do them. Today I remember Wendy, my old school friend who starts round three of chemo. She has stage 4 breast cancer. I feel so bad for her going through that. I think about my many friends and acquaintances with cancer and pray for them daily. I remember those we have lost. I remember Logan and how hard he fought and how I miss him everyday. Cancer sucks. But nothing in life is promised except eternity. We will ALL experience eternity. The location is of your choosing. I choose Heaven.

12/29/15

Today Satan is speaking his lies to me. He is filling my head with doubts about my abilities. I will not let him win. I have overcome so much thanks be to God. Because of my illness I am not the same. I can't do all that I used to do. Maybe I never will be able to. Doors are closing, but Gd will open the doors that he wants open. I will be still and listen to him, not the lies of Satan.

My visit at the doctor's office went well today. My cough has increased but my lungs are clear and they aren't concerned.  My weight is still 109.5. Oh well at least I feel good and am getting stronger.

12/31/15

As this year comes to a close, I realize that 2014 and 2015 brought huge changes in our lives. In 2014 I was diagnosed with leukemia. In 2015 I had a stem cell transplant. 2016 will hopefully bring continued healing and good things. I am ready to move on..