Sleeping is going better. I slept pretty well until 0400. I am coughing quite a bit today. I have been actually since I got home from the hospital. It's concerning of course because I don't know when I should go to the ER. We certainly
don't want to wait like several medical providers encouraged me to wait prior- which ultimately ended up with me very sick and spending six nights in the critical care unit and 13 total nights in the hospital. Being in Alaska with a chronic illness is frightening.
I was told by the on-call Doctor of my Anchorage oncology office that I couldn't possibly have RSV even though I was exposed and since I wasn't running a consistent fever, no need to get checked out. Two days later I called Mayo and they told me to immediately
get tested. Our local hospital performed the test and the next day I was told it was negative. I continued to get worse. I saw a PA at my local doctor's office and they never tested my SAT and I was told I didn't need a chest x-ray at that time, just take
some Robitussin and use an inhaler. The next day, my birthday, I told Patrick I was very sick and needed to see my oncologist. They couldn't get me in for several hours. After a couple hours I told him I thought I was dying and we had to leave now and they
would admit me to the hospital. They checked my SAT and it was 88%. I was told I was being admitted and they had a room,but I had to go through admitting first. Admitting office had no idea who I was. No one put me on oxygen. I literally thought I was going
to die soon. They finally get me upstairs only to tell me there is no room ready for me so I had to share a room.I told them I was immuno- compromised and couldn't share a room. Their response? No choice. They never checked my SAT and I was still not on oxygen.
They told me I had to get a chest x-ray and would have to stand up for it. I complied. When finished they got me a private room, re-did the RSV test, and finally checked my SAT which was at 82%. Finally oxygen was placed on me. RSV test came back positive.
Mayo was called and we made the decision to stay in Alaska rather than being transferred out. AK Regional doctors agreed to follow Mayo protocol. I think the doctors and nurses did their best,but there were so many things that didn't go right. They had me
on an 1800 calorie a day diet even though I was visibly losing weight. I had to ask them to weigh me because they didn't do it unless I asked. They would send cookies and ice cream up even though I was diabetic. The carbs listed on the dietary sheet were different
than what was listed on the back of items (example milk). If I hadn't been paying attention, I would have put the wrong information in my insulin pump. One day the pharmacy screwed up my medication- badly. Everyone was nice and I respectfully brought these
concerns to their attention. I have debated talking to the providers who missed the boat and I think I will. They need to know so this doesn't happen to someone else.
While lying there in critical care on the Bi-Pap machine, I knew I now had an inkling
of how Logan felt. I was at peace and ready to go see my savior. I had some regrets- leaving my family, but thought,"at least they won't have to worry about me anymore." I got better so evidently God isn't ready for me yet.
Jesus Today- "Sing to me,
because I have dealt bountifully with you. When singing praises is the last thing you feel like doing, it is probably just what you need. I have indeed been gracious in my dealings with you- whether or not it seems that way. You have been on an uphill journey
for a long time and you are growing weary. You yearn for some easy days, for a path that is not so steep. But it is the strenuous climbs that take you ever upward- closer and closer to the summit. The difficulty of your life circumstances is not a mistake.
It's a matter of my sovereign will and to some extent your own goals. You desire to grow close to me and to grow more fully into the one I created you to be. Pursuing these goals has put you on an adventurous trail where difficulties and dangers abound. Some
times you compare your journey with friends who seem to be on easier paths. But you cannot fully comprehend the problems they face. Nor do you know what the future holds for them."
Jesus Calling- " Waiting on me means directing your attention to me
in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It means entrusting me with every fiber of your being instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of
me as you go about your daily duties. I have promised many blessings to those who wait upon me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of my continual presence. Waiting on me enables you to glorify
me by living in deep dependence of me, ready to do my will. It also helps you to enjoy me; in my presence is fullness of joy."
Oh Lord, forgive my doubts and fears. Help me to appreciate all the blessings. As my faithful husband continually tells me,
"this is a journey and we will love every moment because we are together." Let me see the good in all things. Direct my path how you want my life to be. Use me to be a blessing to others. I trust you have my future mapped out. It may not be what I had planned
for myself, but your ways are best.
He is risen indeed. Oh Lord my God, you died and rose again for ME! I am so unworthy, but yet you loved me so much you died so I may have eternal life. Logan is living with you and I know he is safe
and happy. I miss him. Would you please send him to me in my dreams?
Last year I got to be home for Easter. My counts were not high enough to go to church, but I was able to go watch Olivienne hunt for Easter eggs at Granny's. This year I still can't
go to church, but I will watch it online. I can't go to Granny's due to the exposure of everyone, but Patrick will go and videotape Ollie hunting eggs. It's the best we can do at this time. Maybe next year will finally be a normal year.
i have worn
Bane for over a year now. Can you imagine what it is like to have to wear a mask in public every moment? I will honesfly tell you that it sucks. I was supposed to be free from Bane on April 1st, but that's no longer possible. Whatever it takes..... On
April 20th, it will be a year since I have been in remission. Thank you, Jesus.
Last night Casey and Kelsey came over and I was so happy to visit with them. Family and friends cheer me up and take the loneliness away. I asked a few different friends
to visit me this week while Patrick is away on his business trip. I am so happy he gets to leave and be normal for a few days. Hopefully he can put all this out of his mind and just be himself. He needs a serious break. He spent Friday night painting window
trim and all day yesterday working on the concrete bar he is building downstairs. He is tired and weary. He is a good husband.
I am overwhelmed with happiness. I feel so good! After being depressed the past few weeks because of how quickly my life changed
again, I am suddenly filled with hope and gratitude. I am not in the hospital! I have a huge support team. The sun is shining and I am in love with my husband of almost 30 years. I have children, grandchildren, parents, in-laws, family... Lots of family. I
have God and hope. I am going to be okay.
Awake since 0100 again. I am so tired. I need to sleep. I balanced the checkbook, made Patrick's lunch, made my breakfast and started to put away laundry before collapsing on the couch. Energy,
energy, where art thou?
I got maybe an hour nap in today. Merikaye came to visit which was great. I get so lonely without people around. I was not created to be alone. Sometimes I like being by myself, but when it is forced upon me it is not enjoyable.
In a couple hours Patrick will be home. He will be busy though packing and preparing for his business trip so another lonely evening for me. I wish the babies could come over.
I don't like me much right now. Last night I lost my mind
again. The hunted has become the prey, the helpful has become the helpless, the independent person has become the dependent one, the happy confident person has become miserable and lacks any confidence. Why am I allowing myself to be this way?
What happened to ME? Why do I feel I must have people around me to get me through this uncertain and lonely time? Why can't I just be happy because I am alive?
I had a very good friend named Mari. Mari was a strong and vibrant woman who instilled fear
in all those around her. She was powerful, smart, intelligent, and independent. Mari was diagnosed with MS and within a couple of years she was unable to walk or care for herself. This beautiful and vibrant woman was reduced to a bedridden person who was dependent
on everyone to meet her basic needs. Mari quickly became bitter and angry. My children and I visited her often and we would take her to church with us. We tried to give her what she craved most- companionship. My heart hurt for her. The last couple months
of her life I didn't see her as much. She had moved back to Anchorage and I was busy. I didn't know she was dying. I will never forgive myself for not being there for her at the end. I should have been there. I don't want to be reduced to an angry and bitter
person. Like Mari, I detest being dependent upon anyone. I want my husband to have a real wife who is independent and self sufficient. I feel so bad for him because he knows I am at an all time low and he is flying out of state for a business trip. How hard
it must be for him to leave his crazy wife, yet it must be a relief to get away from all this craziness.
I realize I may never get back to where I was, but darn it, I am not giving up. I am going to fight to survive. Please give me confidence
and trust in you, Father God. Help me with my doubts and unbelief. Help me to be there for others who hurt and are scared. I have not been a good friend to the many who need me. Please forgive me for my selfishness. Help me understand this is not about ME
and my desires. This is about YOU. May you be glorified in all of this. Forgive me for my short temper and anger.
I was so incredibly blessed to have visits from several yesterday. Mom, Meghan, Casey, Angie, Annette,and Debbie. Angie
brought me a delicious meal. I fell asleep last night after Annette and Debbie left and slept till about 9 pm. I then baked the casserole Angie brought. I was so exhausted and bone weary, yet I could not fall asleep until about 0200. I woke up again at 0545.
As Annette and Debbie pointed out, I will just have to sleep when I can. I sure would like to be on a regular schedule again. Soon, I am sure. Tomorrow is my post-hospital check with Dr. Spencer. I pray I can get off oxygen.
three pounds this week! All that food ladies from the church brought is going straight to my bony hips. Not many women are happy to say that, but I sure am. I may want to cut back just a bit so it is not all at once! I am back up to 113. What an amazing ministry
our church provides. Plus Meghan brought us dinner for tomorrow night- it's in the freezer. Who am I to deserve this? I am so appreciative. Not only did they bring meals, but they stayed and visited. Three ladies from my church who are all active volunteers,
shared ideas with me on how I can get more involved in the community. I used to be a full time volunteer. Now all I will have more time to help others. I still have to avoid crowds and rest often, but God has things in store for me that are going to blow my
Today was my first check-up with Dr. Spencer since getting out of the hospital last week. She was very pleased with my progress and said, " I believe God has healed you and you will live a long and healthy life." She then asked me how
my spirit is doing. With tears in my eyes I confessed it has been hard. She stated she understood, but believes God has great things in mind for my future. Bigger and better things. She's right. When one door closes, another will open.
I have to remain
on home oxygen, but can be off it about three hours per day. I can start walking on the treadmill for five minutes at a time. Hopefully by next Thursday she will say I can completely go off all oxygen.
Today is Kirk's birthday and he came to visit ME
all by himself. I love my sweet son-in-law.
My chest x-ray shows noticeable improvement. How wonderful is that! I was told if I want to hold my grandbabies, I am doing so at my own risk. Wow, that's comforting and encouraging. So basically
if I hold them and get sick even when they don't appear to be sick, it will be my fault and I did something not recommended by my medical team. What do I do with that?
Heaven gained another angel today as Julie took her last breath in Indiana and her
next one in Heaven. She is the third schoolmate in four months who cancer has taken. It must stop.
This morning I re-read the texts between Barry and me. Barry was diagnosed with leukemia last fall. He was an APD officer and we had mutual
friends. We encouraged one another. He died a few months ago and I miss his texts. I have lost so many people recently. Most were diagnosed after me and I wonder why I am still here and they are not. What is my purpose? I miss Logan. Why couldn't he have lived?
I would gladly have changed places with him if I could. I am here for a reason and I don't plan to go down without a great fight. God has plans for me. Suck it up,Marre.
I am getting my Afro trimmed today and hopefully some highlights. Maybe if I look
better in the mirror I will have some confidence restored. I am excited to get out and do this normal activity. Patrick will drive me because I am still pretty weak. Tonight I have decided to have the kids and grandkids over for dinner. I am going to do it
and pray for protection against any and all illnesses.
Relationships- life is all about relationships. Whether it is a romantic relationship, one with a family member, co-worker, friend, or neighbor, we have relationships with a diverse
group of people. We are often disappointed in relationships because we might feel our efforts are one-sided or we aren't getting our needs met in a way that we desire. Sometimes the people we feel the closest to disappoint us the most. The ones we thought
would support us and be there for us, abandon us when things get rough because maybe they can't take the sadness or the reality that change can happen to them too. I think of a family we had been friends with for years. A wonderful family who supported
us so much when Logan was sick and we felt almost like family. An incident happened that upset them and no matter how much we tried to make it right, they refuse to have anything to do with us. How can one family who seemed to love and care for us so much
just turn off their feelings like one turns off a water faucet? And why does it bother me all these years later? The only thing I can think of is because I am not wired like that. I love my relationships with people and I never want to turn my back on someone.
Relationships are important to me. Maybe because of my relationship with God who has shown me unconditional love. God does not disappoint me. People can, but God remains true and just. When you feel the sting of a friendship failure, remember that God is your
best friend and advocate. His love will never fail you.
I think about the number of people I know personally who are divorcing after years of marriage. My heart hurts for them. How does one start over? How difficult it must be in all aspects;
physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
Last night I had my parents, children, grandchildren, and a couple friends over. My heart just soared with happiness as I watched my adult son and daughter interact with mutual respect and admiration
for one another. They looked so happy together! I watched my son and daughter-in-law share intimate looks as they chatted freely with each other about the possibility of soon becoming homeowners. I watched them play with their nieces and heard them make
a comment about their future children. I watched our daughter lovingly care for her children. Life was perfect last night. I held my grandbabies for the first time in over a month. Ollie said, " Why can you hold me now, Grammie?" I am amazed at how much she
understands about our relationship. Grammie is not well, yet she accepts me with all my limitations and embraces me when she is allowed. Ailynn smiles at me even if I have a mask on or oxygen in my nose. She doesn't care. That's true relational love. Visiting
with my parents was priceless. I am so fortunate to have them. That is true, relational love. Patrick took me to my hair appointment and picked me back up. I wasn't finished yet, so he came in hesitantly asking if it was okay if he watched the rest of the
process. Two years ago I never would have allowed him to see me in the middle of a hair cut and highlights. Now? We have pretty much shared everthing there is to share. He just beamed with happiness because he knew i was excited. I"m so thankful he loves me
no mater how I look. That is true relational love. Last night he cooked all the food for the family dinner I planned knowing he was swamped with work on the house. He never complains, never begrudges me anything. That is true relational love. I am blessed.........
My hair! Wow! I have a cut and highlights and feel like a new person. She straightened it and styled it. I didn't wash it today because I wanted one more day of not having to manage it. I'm both excited and nervous for tomorrow. I hope she didn't
cut all the curls away. She seemed to do a lot of cuttng. From what understand the curls don't last long so I want to enjoy them while I have them. But no more Afro!
Today we went for a walk around the block. I held on to Patrick's arm and gosh
darn it I did it. I'm no where ready for climbing the Butte yet, but dang it I am getting stronger. I even picked up a bit of trash in the yard. Progress- it's a good thing.
Yesterday I took on the project of cleaning out a couple closets.
Let me re-phrase, I cleaned out some of the clothes- the closets still need help. I am packing up some work clothes I unfortunately won't be using for awhile. It took me hours to go through everything and organize a bit more. It's a successful feeling to know
I accomplished something more than washing dishes. I also made dinner last night which made me feel a little more useful. Today I have some family members coming over for lunch and I am so excited. I crave socializing so much. I am used to being around lots
of people. Again, I am a relational person.
I am in a confused rut. My coveted prayer times in the morning are not happenIng. I feel at a loss for words. My prayer life is normally pretty powerful and I talk to God all the time. Right now I feel
like I don't know how to start the conversation. I believe it is time for me to turn the praise music back on and just praise him. The prayers will flow again. In the meantime God is talking to my soul and hearing all I can't audibly speak at this time.
Jesus Today- " Be constant in prayer- at all times, but especially when you are struggling. During trials, you need close communication with me more than ever. However, your ability to concentrate may be hampered by stress and fatigue. So make full use
of the amazing strength within you- my spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to control your mind: to think through you and pray through you. Your prayers need not be pretty or proper. Just let them flow out of your current situation. As you stay in communication with
me, I help you be steadfast and patient in suffering."
" The mind of a sinful man is death,but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:6.
Jesus Calling- " I meet you in the stillness of your soul. It is there that I seek
to commune with you. A person who is open to my presence is exceedingly precious to me. My eyes search to and fro throughout the earth, looking for one whose heart is seeking me. I see you trying to find me; our mutual search results in joyful fulfillment.
Stillness of soul is increasingly rare in this world addicted to noise and speed. I am pleased with your desire to create a quiet space where you ans I can meet. Don't be disappointed by the difficulty of achieving this goal. I monitor all your efforts
and am blessed by each of your attempts to seek my face."
Lord, hear the prayers of my spirit. There are so many who need your comfort and salvation right now. Please help me not be so wrapped up in my own difficulties that I forget to pray for
many friends who hurt right now. This is not about me, Father. This is about you and how you rescue us all. You are an amazing God and I am thankful for the people in my life who remind me to trust you and put you first. In God we trust! Let this nation be
healed in the name of Jesus. Where there is doubt, bring confidence. Where there is disbelief, bring belief, replace selfishness with selflessness. Bring hope to the hopeless. Use ME Father God. Use my situation to bless others and give them hope.
week my doctor asked me how my spirit was. She knew. She ordered me (in the way only doctors can) to get Joel Osteen's book, "I Am." I've heard of him of course, but what I knew about him is he is a fancy preacher in a fancy building and lives in a fancy house
with all his incredible wealth. So to say I was hesitant to get his book would be an accurate statement. Amazon has a deal where I could get two audiobooks for free. If I'm not pleased with the service then I can cancel and not be charged the $14.95 monthly
fee. I'm all about a good deal and I sure don't want to walk into her office Thursday and admit I didn't do the one thing she asked of me. I have listened to the first four chapters and it solidified what I already stated this morning. God knows what's wrong.
He needs me to praise him and prophesy healing upon my body and mind. I must affirm this with my words. I must stop focusing on what I can't do and focus on what I CAN do. This is a season in my life. It will end. Death will not defeat me and my life isn't
destined to be one of constant medical issues. God IS restoring me and I believe that completely. So right now I am claiming victory in Jesus. I am healed. I am stronger. My family will serve God all the rest of our days. I am beautiful because I am
a child of God and he wonderfully and fearfully made me.
Yesterday my mom, Granny, Aunt Connie, Meghan, and the girls came over for lunch. How wonderful it was to sit at the kitchen table with them. I thoroughly enjoyed
our visit and look forward to many more times sitting around the table philosophizing about life. Casey stopped by and entertained Ollie as she is not used to not being the center of attention. She and Uncle Casey had fun.
This morning I
did 15 minutes on the treadmill in the morning and 15 minutes at night. Granted I am only going 2 mph at this time, but hey, it's progress! I am also back to doing my weight bearing exercises, albeit considerable less reps than before. I will get there. I
am trying to go without oxygen 3 hours per day as the doctor ordered. My SAT isn't where it should be and I have a feeling she won't release me from the oxygen at my appointment tomorrow. As long as they heal soon, it's okay. My lungs just don't
feel right. I can't explain the feeling really, but something seems off.
Mayo added a day to my schedule so I now have 12 apointments spread over two days. I had to change my ticket, hotel, and car rental which turned into a mess. Finally got
it figured out. Being sick is not cheap.
I had forgotten I still had a DVD online course in substance abuse treatment to finish. I hope to finish that up next week and get my certificate of completion. I would love to facilitate a substance abuse recovery
group. What a need there is in our Valley.
I am sitting out on my deck soaking up the sun. It's 48 degrees and sunny. The best part is I no longer have to wear Bane outside! Unless someone is mowing, raking, it's dusty, there are fires,
or a volcanic eruption. Other than that I am breathing fresh air for the first time in a year and let me tell you, it's amazing.
I had a great doctor visit today. My lungs sound really good and Zach (PA) said as long as my SAT is above 90 he's okay
with it. I can now go six hours a day without oxygen. This really will free me up. I drove into Anchorage which is the first time I have driven in a month. I did okay! I see a bit more freedom in my future which is fabulous. Mom had to drive home though because
I was worn out after grocery shopping. I am doing things for myself again! It feels so good.
Yesterday I went by work and visited with some of my co-workers. It was so nice to see everyone. I was asked by many, " When are you coming back?"
I wish I had the answer for that question. It's all up to God and the plan he has for my life. Doors will be open if HE wants them to be and doors will be shut of HE has other plans for me. All I know is that right now my job is to take care of myself and
heal. As I told more than one person yesterday, this latest illness knocked me on my butt. But I am strong and determined and I am picking myself up and wiping off the dust. I don't wallow in self-pity but for a few minutes. I visited with Granny after going
to the office. It feels so good to have six hours free from oxygen and the confidence to drive again.
I accomplished some things this weekend. It may sound silly, but I'm pretty darn excited I finally got a few projects done. I packed
away a bunch of clothes I won't be needing for awhile, went through the gazillion pairs of shoes and bagged up a bunch to give away, and did some organizing. Right now I'm about to fall asleep. I think it's nap time after writing this.
night Meghan, Kirk, the girls, and Casey came over to visit. We had so much fun and they stayed until 11:15 p.m. I enjoyed visiting with them and watching the girls play in the bath. They are so cute! After they left I walked a mile on the treadmill
and didn't go to bed until 12:30. Yesterday I walked one mile on the treadmill, then hiked around on some land Meghan and Kirk are looking at. I was so tired I fell asleep as soon as I got back to the truck. When we got home I went to bed and slept for
2.5 hours. I don't have the stamina I did before, but by golly I'm trying hard to recuperate.
I have yet another friend who was diagnosed with cancer. Ingrid was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, which is a cancer of the bone marrow, specifically the
plasma cells. There is no known cure for this terrible cancer, but there are things that can be done to prolong life. Last year I met a man at Mayo Clinic who had his transplant the same day as me. He had MM and had a very positive outlook on life. He flashed
back in my mind when Ingrid told me her diagnosis and I prayed for him again. ingrid and I used to work together at Alaska Family Services. I was working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault and she was in charge of the anti-tobacco program.
Our offices were close by and we worked in a building that didn't have a lot of traffic in it so we spent a lot of time getting to know one another. I told Ingrid Logan's story one day and she was overwhelmed with grief. The next day she brought me a beautiful
framed picture of an eagle with the verse, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles; They shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not faint." You will walk and not grow faint, Ingrid.
God has this. This picture hangs just below one of a young boy hugging Jesus. It says, "Then you will call and the Lord will answer; You will cry, and He will say, Here I am." Isaiah 58:9. The picture she gave to me is in my living room and I always
think of her when I look at it. She showed me such compassion and care. Now here she is fighting this horrible fight. She is a strong woman and a devout Christian. I have no doubt her faith and spirit will remain high, but of course there will be bad days.
I know this all too well. Some ask, "Why is it always the good people who have such tragedy?" The Bible says, "It rains on the just and the unjust." Meaning, both good and bad people are subjected to all sorts of things. It's what we do with our circumstances
that define us. Let's say we are given bad news or a bad medical report. What do we do with that? Well we look to our God and we pray for strength. It is true, God will not give us more than we can handle. We are strong and mighty warriors in Christ. We should
not sit around and feel sorry for ourselves. We pick ourselves up off the floor, dust ourselves off, and go back in the ring. This chick isn't giving up. And I know Ingrid isn't giving up. We are believers and we are fighters. We are in the ring and we will
be the winners. When that bell rings we will raise our hands up and give thanks to God for guiding us through the fight, the battle, the worst thing we could ever imagine happen to us.
I finally realized that no matter what, God knew this was going
to happen to me. He knew I was going to get leukemia 16 years after Logan died. I can't even say I was shocked, because he prepared me 2 months prior to diagnosis, just like he prepared me a few days before Logan was diagnosed. I don't want to sound like I'm
some special person- more in tune with God than most, but I'm telling you, he talks to me and I know ahead of time when something bad is going to happen. My spririt is connected to HIM. I'm not sure if that's bad or good...Just kidding, I know it's good, but
sometimes having a little bit of time when I feel at peace woudln't be so bad! But I feel pretty good knowing he prepares me.
It doesn't matter what we are going through whether it's grief, addiction, an undiagonsed illness, and immune disorder, migraines,
financial stress, worrying about children, etc. Our job is to proclaim victory over the illness/problem and BELIEVE God will take care of it. Our job is to keep our faith and never give up the fight. Get back in the ring. The battle is not over.
Timing...We live in a society that demands instant gratification. We live in times when we rob Peter to pay Paul. We want to keep up with the Jones's. We want the best of everything. We expect to be rewarded even if we know we don't deserve it. But what
about those who ask God for blessings and they have not yet seen the fruit grow? What about those who truly believe and ask God for something very important, yet there appears to be no answer? First of all, we must trust God's timing. Are you praying for a
promotion? Healing? Doors to be open? Freedom from addiction for you or for a family member? If God gave us everything we asked for immediately when we asked for it, there wouldn't be a whole lot to credit him for, would there? When you pray for fresh annointing
and bring your troubles to God, he WILL answer you in his timing, not yours. Perhaps it isn't the answer you are looking for. We certainly didn't get the answer we were looking for when Logan died after we fervently prayed and believed for complete healing.
Why? I have no idea. God does though. I may not like his answer, but he is my God and he has his reasons. I like to say that when I walk through those pearly gates the first thing I'm going to ask God is why he took my baby. But then I immediately think, "it
won't matter anymore when I am with him again."
I've been wrestling with the agony and frustration of this set back. Things were going so well and I was doing more and more normal things. God was glorified in my healing. Then I got sick. It wasn't
a suprise to God. He knew this was going to happen. Let me tell you, our God WILL be glorified through this. It's all in HIS timing. I will be healed. I believe it. But I am not going to take the glory or the credit. That all goes to God. He will show the
world what he has done. Do not be discouraged, for our God knows all things and he will use all things for his glory. I must be patient and remain encouraged. I must pray for fresh annointment and proclaim thanks in advance for his healing. I believe.
I am encouraged. I am ready to see what God has in store for me and my future.
Jesus Calling, "This is the day that i have made. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin the day with open hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief
portion of your life. Be careful not to complain about anything, even the weather, since I am the Author of your circumstances. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and
frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it. To find joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four hour segments. I understand human fraility
and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abudant life in my presence today."
'I press on toward the goal to win the prize for
which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:13, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Today is the 11th month since I had my transplant. I had my weekly check-up and all looks really good.
I am down to 12 hours per day on the oxygen. Hopefully I will be totally off next week. I gained another two pounds and Dr. Spencer is very pleased at how well I am doing. God is just so amazing! I believe I am healed. While in Anchorage, I got to have
a rare lunch with Patrick which was super nice.
It is a beautiful day and I am enjoying the sunshine on our deck. Annette is going to come over after work and take a walk with me. Summer is near. The leaves are already coming out which is super
Last night Ollie spent the night. We played a lot of "kitchen", horse, and read many books. By 9:00 pm this Grammie was worn out. Papa took the reigns. She was up by 0800 this morning and I made a big breakfast expecting her
parents and Casey. But it was just the three of us so I will be warming the leftovers tomorrow morning! After more horse riding, kitchen play, and books, and a walk, Grammie was ready for a nap. Papa took over again. I wish I weren't so tired, but I am. Last
night Ollie amazed me because when she walked in, she said, "Grammie why aren't you wearing your oxygen?" How does a two and a half year old remember what oxygen is? She is so loving and forgiving for my limitations.
This afternoon I visited with Granny,
my great uncle Walt, and cousin Margaret. It was so nice. I have such a large extended family and rarely see them. I realize how blessed I am and how important it is to take the time to be with them. Afterwards I went to the store to pick up a few things.
I ran into two of my favorite DOC employees. I was greeted with a big hug by each as they shared their genuine care and compassion for me. I have worked with a lot of amazing people. I loved my job.
I got some chores done and got a walk
in with my friend Mike. Patrick went fishing most of the day. A very well deserved fishing trip. Now he's doing more repairs on the house. I admire him and all caregivers. Not only does he take care of me, but he takes care of everything around here. I wish
I could help him. I can't wait until I can at least vacuum and dust again. It's so unfair he has to do it all, but he never complains. Caregivers deserve special recognition, especially my caregiver!
Tomorrow I am going to have some family members
over for lunch and I am very excited. We are going to have ham and bean soup and corn bread- a favorite of mine, but Patrick detests it. The only time I make it is when my family comes over.
The countdown has begun for our trip to Indiana and to Mayo.
We only have a few short days in Indiana to cram in seeing old friends and family. I sure hope we can see everyone! I am very excited about seeing my old friends from school too. It's been way longer than I care to admit! A lady doesn't discuss her age.....
I am telling you I need to get all better and SOON! This morning I was puttering around in the kitchen like a busy bee. I made Patrick a smoothie and coffee and packed his lunch. Then I started preparing soup, corn bread, fruit salad, and
dessert for my family luncheon only to find out 90% of them couldnt come. I seem to depend on others to entertain me. I had some downtime and wanted so badly to vacuum or rake my yard, but I am still not allowed. I feel like I take more than I give around
here. Doesn't it sound silly to whine about not being able to do chores? I just get sick and tired of being told by doctors that I can't do something because I "am sick and tired". Oh the irony!
Finally, my first guest arrived. Anita Cork is a
beautiful lady whom I have had the privilege of knowing since we moved to Alaska in 1983. Anita and her husband Barney went to the church my dad pastored at. They were great friends with my parents. We spent a lot of time together and they loved on each
of my three children. Anita made my wedding dress and it was gorgeous. I reminded her today that this summer it will be 30 years since our wedding day. She told me a story I didn't remember hearing before and it cracked me up. When we got married, the church
was newly constructed and not complete. Anita was the only one who thought about the unfinished wall showing in our pictures we would take behind the cake. As she was there alone that morning, she climbed on a folding chair to paper that unfinished wall. The
chair folded, and down she went! She got up, brushed herself off, checked for broken bones and climbed back up to finish the job. That's true friendship! Her husband, Barney, passed away almost 9 years ago. Everyone who knew Barney misses him. He was truly
one of a kind. I am so glad I got to see Anita and my mom together again today. It brought back such fond memories.
Meghan, Kirk, and the girls stopped by for soup after leaving Ollie with us as they ran errands. I got to hug on my precious girls. It
helps so much. Tonight I got to walk again with my friend Annette. I only had to rest three times during the walk. I feel stronger every day and I am so grateful. Now to have more patience.....
I am happy to announce that today
marks one full year I have officially been in remission. How cool is that!? I made it a year! And then next month it will be a year since my transplant. Like I said from the beginning, I never looked at statistics or asked the doctors what they thought my
chances were. Statistics lie as we found out with our precious Logan. Only God knows the truth. I'm just happy I have been alive for the past 18 months since diagnosis. Despite it all, it has been a wonderful 18 months. I amazed myself at how well I got through
the most awful things. I do understand it was only by the grace and strength of God. For the most part I remained courageous and hopeful, never bitter. Angry sure, but mostly at myself for not being able to do what I want and desire to do. I have met the most
amazing people on this journey and my life is forever enriched because of them- because of YOU!
Today my heart is heavy for so many. My dear friend Ingrid is in the hospital with uncontrollable pain. They still struggle to find out what is wrong. Now
they suspect it may be something other than multiple myeloma. Unfortunately they can't diagnose her in Alaska. Her biopsy must be sent out of state and of course that takes time. Tomorrow I will go and visit her after my check-up. I pray I bring her joy and
comfort and not sorrow.
I also think about the mother of a friend of mine with AML who recently relapsed. I have been there and I know how frightening it is. I think about the step-daughter of a lady I've known for years. She also has AML and
after a horrific experience with chemo, has decided to be treated by a naturopath Doctor. I pray it works.
I hurt for a friend who hit her head at work and has a head injury and can't work now. I hurt for the family of a young man in our community who
was just killed in a plane crash. The world is a hurtful place to be. Thankfully it is not our forever home. My goal and desire is to be there to assist those in need whether it's emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. God has blessed my family
and we desire to bless others.
Yesterday I had a good doctor visit. I am now able to be off oxygen! I need to monitor my SAT for the next week and if it remains okay I can return the equipment. I'm grateful for that. My lungs did sound
a little wheezy, but overall I am doing alright. My weight is back to where it was before I went into the hospital this last time.
After my appointment I went to see Ingrid in the hospital. It hurt me to see her in such pain. She is being brave, but
she's in limbo and scared. She just needs to know the diagnosis and the treatment plan.
I want to be an encourager for her and the many who are hurting.
Yesterday I either did something stupid, or I am making progress. I put Bane
and gloves on and started cleaning up things around the yard. I don't think my doctors would be happy. I worry I put myself at risk because of the dust, but it sure felt good to help. Sometimes I just wander around the house looking for something "safe" to
do. It gets old. I got to visit with one of my dearest friends, Dorothy as well. It was great catching up with her and hearing about her adventures in China. Traveling the world is something I enjoy and hope I can return to traveling in the near future.
Last night Casey, Kelsey, Meghan, Kirk, and the girls came over to visit and for dinner. We had such a wonderful time. When I got too tired to do much, I laid in bed and Meghan and Ailynn hung out with me. There is nothing on earth that makes me as happy
as having my adult children over and seeing them play with the babies. Ollie spent the night and I wonder how long it took Papa to get her to sleep. I'm making a big breakfast and plan on returning to the yard with Ollie after while. She can either play or
help me. I can't wait to be with her. I always have more energy in the mornings.
I did get some one on one time with Ollie yesterday which was fabulous. We made cookies. She loves baking with Grammie. Later I went to the store with Meghan.
After I got home I fell asleep on the deck. The energy just isn't here yet, but I am trying hard to recover.
One year ago I posted something on FB about statistics. It was interesting to come across it after Ingrid had just asked me if people had inquired
about my chances of living. Really, people! Have some tact. At the time I understood, but now that I see it happening to Ingrid I can't help but shake my head at the insensitive comments. This is what I wrote: " The world is obsessed with statistics. So many
want to know what my chance of surviving a bone marrow transplant is. I'm asked by everyone from strangers, friends, and an Alaska Airlines flight attendant. Truthfully I don't know and I don't care. When Logan was diagnosed I was obsessed with statistics.
He had an 85% chance of survival. That didn't work out. Statistics lie. They can be manipulated to read what you want them to read. In college I took a statistics class from a professor who boasted he manipulated statistics to lean in favor of whoever hired
him in court . Statistics mean nothing. I will survive or I won't. I was told I only had a 40% chance of re-achieving remission after I relapsed in January. I am in remission again. No matter what doctors say, I choose to believe God is healing me and I will
survive. I am determined, I am full of faith, I am putting all I have into living. Who cares about percentages!"
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Therfore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or about yor body, what you will
wear. Life is more about food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the Ravens- they do not show or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to
his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:22-26
Worrying doesn't stop the bad from happening, it only stops you from enjoying the good.
I need to take my own advice about worrying
more seriously. I have been concerned about the soreness in my muscles and joints; particularly my knees. When I sit for an extended period of time I have difficulty walking. Once I have walked a bit I am okay, but initially I struggle and it hurts. All sorts
of things run through my head, especially wondering if Leuk is back and if he is in my bones and affecting my muscles. I will bring up my concerns to Dr. Spencer on Thursday, but I also give my worrying to God and I will focus on the good things rather than
Yesterday Mom, Meghan, and the girls and I met at Granny's for a yummy lunch. We were all worn out, I went to bed when I got home and slept for 2.5 hours. Mom and Granny took naps too they said. I realized I am in an older generation.
Meghan cleaned the kitchen and Granny told her to sit down and she would do it later. I told Granny that Meghan does the same thing at my house and to let her be. Later I told Granny that she, mom, and I are gimpy and Meghan is not so we need to let her do
these things. I never thought I would see the day when I can't just jump up and do it all. I am a giver, not a taker and this is hard for me to sit back and watch others do things I cannot. There are days I am so frustrated. Some days I feel things are going
well, then I am smacked in the head with reality. Patrick keeps telling me to stop worrying and to remember if he was the one sick I would not hold it against him. He is right of course, but yet I still struggle with the guilt of my inadequacies. I took Ibuphrophen
before bed as Patrick suggested. I slept great and woke up wIthout any pain or discomfort. I have felt great all day. On days like this I feel as if I could conquer the world. That is after a nice and long nap.
Yep, Leuk is dead. I walked
over five miles today! Not all at once, but I did the treadmill this morning, played with the girls, and walked with Annette. It's not even 8:00 pm and I'm in bed. I am exhausted. I am strong! I am encouraged. Now if I can get Dr. Hogan to release me, I think
my job will be waiting for me despite all the absences and the set back. How thankful am I to have a possibility of returning to the job I love so much. How grateful am I to the supervisors and administration that they even consider this! It makes me feel
valued and appreciated. I put my all into my job and I am thankful my efforts are noticed. I am so appreciative of the department for the allowances they have made on my behalf. I do not take anything for granted.
Meghan helped me bottle
wine today at Valley Winery. We had an appointment tonight, but Patrick wanted to go fishing so Meg helped me out. Ollie "assisted" and Ailynn played. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed hanging out with them. They came over afterwards and Meghan worked on dusting
the office while I entertained the girls in the yard. I was reading to Ollie and got out of breath. That happens quite a bit. I said, " just a minute, I need to catch my breath." Then I sighed. She mimicked me perfectly- even the sigh! She's such a copycat.
Ailynn just grins that toothless smile of hers. Both girls are a delight.
Yesterday was a great check-up with Dr. Spencer. She thinks I am doing really well. I do feel so much better. I have more energy and stamina than just a week
ago. I am completely off oxygen. My weight is up to 123.6 which is great. Things are certainly looking up as I am almost at my first post-transplant birthday. God has done amazing things over the past year and a half. Simply amazing. It really looks like I
will get to return to work the end of May and I am so excited. To know what I have went through and how God keeps allowing me to bounce back is just incredible.
My cousin, Matt, is in the hospital with liver failure. I am going to go see him today.
He needs to know God. I would love to pray for him if he allows me to do so. Yesterday I saw Ingrid. She is still waiting confirmation of her diagnosis, but she has a great attitude and a heart full of hope.
There are so many agonizing circumstances
in this world and so many discouraging moments. I know, I have been there. But there is hope! These thing shall pass away and there won't be anymore sadness. Today I encourage you to listen to these words. " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
This is my third tonight updating my blog. I wrote two different lengthy updates and neither one saved. I am trying to be patient, but
am I ever frustrated!
We spent three delightful days at our favorite place- our cabin. I was able to get lots of rest and Patrick got lots of work done. He's so good about not making me feel guilty for resting. He keeps telling me if roles were reversed,
I would be understanding too. He is right of course, but I wish I could do more. My energy is definitely improving and I feel stronger everyday. I try to get at least three miles in a day between doing chores and taking walks. I got to walk with our friend
Gretchen on Sunday and enjoyed our visit.
Before we left Friday I stopped to see my cousin Matt who is in the hospital for liver failure. Matt is a chronic alcoholic who continued to drink even though he knew his liver was shot. It's hard for most of
us to understand why someone would use a drug that damages their body. So many of us are simply trying to live. I shared my love for Christ with Matt. He has never known God. I encouraged him to take a leap of faith before it's too late. I told him if anyone
had reason to be mad at God it would be me. After all, I lost my first-born son to leukemia complications and then I got it! But I am not mad at God. I love him and I accept his plan for me. Someday I will be in his kingdom with my son in my arms while I gaze
at my savior. What an amazing time that will be! No more sadness, strife, hectic life, or pain. While on the treadmill tonight I told Jesus that now would be a good time to come back. This world can sometimes just suck. There is so much pain and suffering.
I don't know how people handle it without God. I just wouldn't be able to.
My friend Ingrid found out that instead of having Multiple Myeloma, she has Ewings Sarcoma. Neither cancer is good. I know Ingrid can beat this. She has strong faith and a huge
support system. It will not be easy. I watched Logan's friend David go through the same battle. David was a beautiful soul like Logan. He had a sweet spirit and kind eyes. He fought valiantly. Lord, heal our pain.
Mom and I leave Friday night for Indiana.
We are very excited to see friends and family that we haven't seen in many years. We are staying just a few short days and then will fly to Rochester for my one year post-transplant check-up. It's hard to believe it's been a year. Somedays it seems like yesterday
and other days it seems so long ago. God has been good and faithful.
Today was nap day. I hadn't taken a nap since Saturday I think. Not sleeping well had caught up with me. Tomorrow night flying all night on the plane is going to be tough.
I hope Mom and I can both sleep. We don't want to miss a moment of visiting with our loved ones.
Patrick said tonight," I bet you are excited about your check-up." I most certainly am! One year post-transplant with few complications. I am flying
high with excitement! I am so thankful for every good day. The good days come far more often than the bad days. I feel so healthy now. I celebrate my recovery and hurt for the ones who aren't doing well.
Today I learned that the step-daughter of a friend
relapsed and she doesn't want to do more chemo. She had a terrible time with it before. i also learned that the mother of a friend also relapsed. Both ladies have AML like me. Both Will likely need a transplant to survive. Yesterday I found out that my friend's
family member has severe GVH issues and is not doing well. Her transplant was before mine. So much pain and suffering. Lord, hear our prayers. Comfort these ladies and we ask for complete healing upon each of them. I want to start an online support group,
but I'm not sure how. I feel led to do it.
Today is an amazingly beautiful day! It is so warm and sunny out there. I already took a walk and did some yard work. I did some things I shouldn't have done. Patrick called while I was doing
it and asked if I was wearing a mask. After listening to his lecture, I put it on. I know it's stupid not to do it but I am so tired of being tethered. I only slept about 3 hours last night and we are flying all night tonight. I think I will have to be taking
a nap. I still have to go drop off things at the Recycle Center and pick up flowers for Meghan and Dakota to celebrate their college graduation.
What a whirlwind these last couple of days have been. The graduation went well and it was
nice to see the girls get what they worked so hard for. I enjoyed being with my family and Meghan's family. We rushed to the airport after graduation and flew all night to get to my home state . Indiana- how I loved growing up here. Since we have been
here we have had the pleasure of seeing family and so many friends. Tonight I met up with many I went to elementary through sophomore year with.. It was just wonderful to see the people who supported me through this journey of killing Leuk. Earlier we went
to the house where many of our friends from the days my dad pastored a church gathered to visit with Mom and me. We feel loved! This morning old family friends acknowledged me in the church service and the pastor said they have been praying for me. Obviously
One big damper to our day was the loss of my cousin Matt. He died this morning- on Mother's Day. My heart hurts for all of his family, but especially his mom. Mother's Day should be about joy, not pain. Mother's Day is always bittersweet
for me. I love my children and my daughter-in-law and son-in-law, yet I grieve the loss of my first bor, Logan. This day is never the same for we mother's who have lost our children. I think of my friend Michelle who lost her son Christopher also on Mother's
Day. Christopjer and Logan were friends from Ronald McDonald House. They had the same diagnosis. My heart hurts for all these mother's. I thankful my cousin Matt did accept the Lord before he died. He is in Heaven with Logan.
i am thankful I am
with my mom.
How do I cram 16 years in three days? That's how long it's been since I have been "home". Mom and I have seen so many people who are dear to us, but there are so many more to see and little time left. I am exhausted and I
bet Mom is too.
Today our morning started out with a visit with old friends from Freetown. We got to see Sherri and her mother Beverly. We went to church with them when I was a small child. Sherri and I have kept in touch sporadically over the years.
When she learned of Logan's death after several years had past, she sent me a book she had written about the journey her family went through, and continues to go through, after her daughter was gravely injured in an automobile accident. Sydney was five
years old when everyone close to her had their lives changed forever. Sydney's brain was injured and she was also paralyzed. She continues to have multiple seizures per day. Her family watches helplessly as she suffers and tries to communicate. Sydney attempts
to talk, but she is non-verbal. It's obvious to her family when she is pleased or displeased, comfortable or uncomfortable. But for those of us on the outside, we have no idea. She is now 25 and her situation remains dismal, yet her parents are forevermore
hopeful that a miracle will take place. The courage Sherri and her family show amazes me. What love they have for this sweet girl whose life was basically taken away from her. How unfair! They selflessly give their time, energy, finances, and freedom for their
child. Sherri showed her bewilderness about the situation today. She talked about Gerald, who was carried into that church every Sunday, so many years ago. His parents, Mabel and Foy carried him in and laid him on a cot that sat beside the pews. They were
loving and faithful parents. Gerald would "sing" with the rest of us. To my childish ears, the sound was strange as he was basically non-verbal as well, but even as young as I was, it was obvious Gerald loved Jesus.
Sherri told us how she learned so
much from Mabel, Foy, and Gerald and how it helps her understand and cope with Sydney's needs. To me it's obvious she is blessing others in sharing her story and faith with others. Sherri and her family are inspiring and encouraging to others who are also
going through a similar situation. They didn't just give up or give Sydney to the state to take care of. They have put their own needs aside and love her like God loves her. Sydney is similar to Gerald in showing her love for Jesus during the music worship
at church. Sherri and Wayne are like Mabel and Foy who gave up so much to take care of their child. Sherri may be exhausted and confused as to why this happened to them, but I could honestly tell her today that she was given this burden so she may be
an encourager and blessing to others. She amazes me- their whole family amazes me. Their belief and conviction that there is a God and he is in control blesses and inspires me to be a better person. I know the Fritz family will someday hear these words, "
Well done ye good and faithful servants!"
We also visited with my old friend Marla and her friend Tammy. Tammy and I have been communicating for a few months after Marla mentioned to me that Tammy had been going through treatment for pancreatic cancer.
It was nice to meet her in person. She is a lovely woman and is doing quite well. She is working 10 hour days in a factory. I am amazed at her stamina. She is inspiring.
Tonight I am at my friends Darlene and Kevin's house. Darlene and I have
been friends for many, many years. She came to see me in Idaho and in Minnesota while I went through treatment. Tonight we went to see her mother-in-law who is in a convalescent center recovering from various health issues. Kitty is someone I met years ago
when they all came to Alaska. I have seen her several times since then. We were chatting when her nurse came in and somehow shared the story that nine months ago her four year old daughter was killed in a car accident. I immediately thought about Sydney and
her family, I also thought about my family. Like the nurse, I had three children. I lost my oldest and she lost her youngest. She lost her marriage as it was not salvageable after the loss of their daughter. Her older children turned against her and the man
who hit them is suing her. She said she often sleeps at the cemetery where her daughter is buried. Despite all this tragedy, she shared her faith and the love of God.
While my heart hurts for the Fritz family, for Tammy, and this nurse,
Laurie, I marvel at how each of them inspires me to be stronger, to be a better person, and to be better at sharing my faith with others. They are amazing people. It's so easy for us to whine and complain when there are people much worse off then us. Lord,
please help us to appreciate what we have. Teach us not to complain about the little things, but to be grateful and appreciative for what we have. Help us to value each other and ourselves. Help us to value you. Help us to share our difficulties with others,
not so we can vent or complain, but so we can honor you by encouraging others. Thank you for Sherri and Beverly's honesty about their concerns and fears, thank you that Tammy is doing so well, and thank you that Laurie opened her heart up to this stranger.
We trust you to bless others through our experiences. Help us to share in a positive way. Amen
I am sitting at the Indianapolis airport waiting for my flight to Minneapolis. It's time for the check-up and I am almost one year post-transplant!
Today is my mom's birthday and I am thankful I got to spend these last few days with her. We had a marvelous time visiting friends and family. I was happy I got to visit the grave of my Uncle Terry before leaving. He was so much of a support to me during and
after Logan died. He and Aunt Lois were my confidanfs and encouragers. They are both with Logan now. Life IS really too short. We must make the most of what we have and always have a thankful and grateful heart.
Last night we got to see many family
members we haven't seen in years. It was a fantastic gathering at my cousin Linda's house. She and Steve have a beautiful home and family and generously allowed us to get together there. I love my family!
Mayo Clinic.....it was bittersweet
driving into Rochester today. I felt joy that I am alive one year later, but almost wept at the thought of how sick I was just a year ago. I will forever be grateful each day I wake up. I will be forever grateful for each day I am free to roam around and not
be bound to a hospital bed or tethered to Tad. I will be forever grateful for what God has blessed me with.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with a lady named Marla on the flight between Indianapolis and Minneapolis. I don't normally talk
with people on planes, but for some reason felt like making conversation. What was interesting about our conversation was her story about how she ended up in Indiana. She and her husband were living in California for many years. He was originally from a small
town in Indiana called Carmel. They have two small children and were thinking in 5-10 years they would move to Indiana. He worked for a company for several years and then it got bought out by a bigger company. He was the last of the original group to be let
go. There he was jobless with a family to support. Within just a few days, a rival firm contacted him and asked him if he wanted a job with them. The caveat was he would have to move to Indiana- in the same area where he was from. The company didn't know
that he was from that area. That was GOD! So there 5-10 year plan became a few month plan. It was so neat to hear how God provided in their lives.
This morning I went to see Joy, my dietician here at the Mayo Clinic. It was awesome to see her and a
couple of nurses who took care of me while I was being treated here. They all were excited about how well I am doing and got a kick out of my crazy hair. They are so used to seeing us patients bald, that it's a surprise for them to see us come back and visit
with a full head of hair. I was thrilled to hear all the dietary restrictions have been lifted. I can eat like a normal person now!!! Now if only I hadn't developed that nut intolerance. Nuts were one of my most favorite things to eat. Now I open the jar of
peanut butter and just smell it lamenting over the fact I cannot eat it for fear of becoming extremely nauseous. I already had my bone density test this morning and now am waiting for my chest CT scan. I will follow that with pulmonary function tests
and then see the lung doctor. Four appointments today only. The busy day is tomorrow when I have eight appointments.
This morning was a little crazy trying to manage all my luggage at the airport where I was picking up my car rental. I was unable to
secure the vehicle a day early when I was changing all my reservations due to the extra clinic day. My only option was to spend the night in Minneapolis last night and go back to the airport to get the car this morning. I was very blessed with this whole ordeal.
First of all, I needed a cart to haul all my luggage. (Yes I know I overpacked) When I attempted to get inside the airport to get the cart, I started dropping bags. Some nice man helped me out. I went to grab the cart, but it was a return area only so I couldn't
pay for one there. I had no alternative but to just push my bags. It was crazy, but I did it. I went up to Alamo and checked in for me car. She said she would have to charge me for an extra day because I wasn't supposed to pick it up till 3:00 pm. Then she
said, "Nevermind, it isn't charging you." She asked me if I wanted to upgrade for an additional $37. I said, "no thank you." She then offered to walk me to my car and help with luggage. She even loaded it into the trunk for me. She let me pick my car and said
she was upgrading me for free! I still picked a basic car, but that SUV looked super cool! It was wonderful to have people care and assist me.
Picture this, me curled up on a seat waiting for the last appointment they added on for me, trying not to
vomit. At the end of my visit with my lung doctor I started to feel nauseous. It wasn't long before the uncomfortableness overwhelmed me. I at least made it to the restroom before I emptied my stomach. At least I thought I did. After the fifth appointment
I headed to the hotel to check-in. I think I got to my second stop light before I opened the door and violently threw up all over the road. I can't imagine what the people around me thought. I had to stop at least one more time before I got to the hotel. I
wanted to weep. This brings back memories of how sick I was last year. I don't want to remember. The appointment with the lung Doctor did not go as well as I had hoped. While my lungs have improved since I had pneumonia in March, they are still affected. He
said it is possible I have narrowing airways. It could be GVH or it could be from the RSV. He thinks I need another chest CT in six months. Tonight I have to sleep with a machine that will monitor my oxygen and heart rate all night. Another concern is the
swelling in my feet I have been experiencing the last two weeks. The first time I noticed it was when we went to the cabin. Since then it has increasingly gotten worse. My feet and ankles swell up like fat sausages. The doctor said the radiation and chemo
could have affected my heart, but he doesn't think so.
Friday the 13th and it's supposed to be a full moon tonight. I'm not superstitious so I don't think so much about that, but it's kinda funny we are here on this day. So far I have
had blood tests, chest x-ray, chest CT, my baby immunizations, my 10th or 11th bone marrow biopsy ( I have lost count) and now am waiting for a head CT. They are checking my jaw where I had osteomyelitis. Recently I was experiencing pain again so figured they
may as well test me for that while I am here. I have had two pokes for the IV (only one worked) one poke for multiple blood tests, five shots in my arms, and had to provide a UA. (at least it wasn't observed!) Goodness. I have all kinds of bandaids on me.
Mom finally arrived about 10:15 p.m. last night. The poor woman had several hours of layover and then they lost her suitcase with all of her clean clothes and the gifts she bought. She had a great attitude for sure.
Ailynn is crawling now at six
months and I haven't seen her do it except on video. I can't wait till she crawls to me. Patrick was telling me about visiting them the other night and Ailynn not liking it when he put her down, but Ollie not liking it when he held Ailynn. Guess we will have
to pick a child and then trade off so no one feels jealous.
I am excited yet a bit nervous about seeing Dr. Hogan this afternoon. Will he release me for work?
We got to the clinic about 0615 today. I started with donating many tubes of blood
to the technicians who would determine the values of various tests. Then we went up for my bone marrow biopsy, followed by my chest CT, immunizations, chest x-ray, pharmacist visit, head CT, nurse case manager, the doctor, x-rays of my feet, and more blood
tests. I think that's everything? Ended up being 15 appointments in two days. I am tired.
I was greeted with a sign Dr. Hogan and staff made me- a congratulations to making it one year. I was so excited to receive it. Dr. Hogan is overall pleased since
I am still alive, but now I have more uncertain symptoms that are concerning. My RA tests were normal, but it is possible I still have Rheumatoid Arthritis or another type of arthritis. I have joint pain- specifically in my knees and elbows along with muscle
soreness. My feet are grossly swollen too. It could be caused from GVH- the standard blame for everything. Besides that, he is concerned about my lung capacity. Now I have to get pulmonary function tests every month for three months. I also have to see a rheumatologist.
I have to go back on Prednisone. I continue all my medications, but some are reduced which is good.
The biggest and hardest part is that he will not release me for work. I have too many issues and he said I would be in danger. He said he
would never forgive himself of I were injured on the job and he had released me. I told myself I would be fine with his decision, but it stung like a bee. I had to take some deep breaths to stop from crying. I could tell he felt bad, but he knew he made the
right decision. Bee stings SUCK!
Happy first anniversary French baby! Thank you Jesus that I am alive. My friends and family say I am defined by more than my job. They are right. God has mighty plans for me. I trust him for what
is to come. We have waited for this day and here it is. Thank you, Jesus. Leuk is dead.
Three hours from home and I am fidgeting and uncomfortable. I am not very big, but I feel huge as I try to exit the row from the window seat. Normally I don't even
get out of my seat, but I just couldn't sit anymore. Even just five minutes of standing was better than being stuck in this tiny seat. Sleep alludes me and my concentration for reading is absent. Tonight I can sleep in my own bed. My dogs, especially Ringo
,will be happy to see me and relieved I wasn't gone so long this time. They get nervous when they see the suitcases.
In my fatigued state between sleep and semi-wakefulness, I found myself audibly talking to myself in encouragement. I try focusing on
the positive news I got and make the harsh reality turn optimistic. I will have the summer to be flexible and spend with my family at the cabin or hiking. I can babysit the girls anytime Meghan needs me to. I can see my parents and Granny more often. I can
learn to cook new foods with the time I have on my hands. I can work on getting a substance abuse support group going in our church if the staff is open to it. I will not lie down and wallow in the pity of self despair even though here are times when I feel
like crying at the curve ball life has thrown. There are SO many who have it MUCH worse than me. So many!!! I am alive and fairly healthy. That is grace, God's grace.
I am thankful my mom was able to share this part of my journey with me. She
is always there for me. When we left Indiana in 1983, we shed many tears. We cried together for miles because we were leaving the many people we loved. We had to adapt to a new state, new friends, and a new way of life. In the same way, we have to adapt to
a new way of living when things don't go as planned, health wise. The old becomes a memory we hold dear in our hearts. We miss how it was, but because we trust our Lord, we can look forward to that new adventure. It may not be the same, but it can be just
as good. In the same way I went back and visited my childhood home and childhood friends, I can re-visit my old self on my good days, when I feel healthy and normal. Life is not over, it's just different. Different doesn't have to mean bad. Courage comes from
accepting the differences and letting go of what used to be to accept what is happening today. It doesn't mean we have to like our circumstances, but we must let go. We can hold on to the dear memories, but never should we be filled with bitterness of what
we lost. No one wants to be around someone who always focuses on the bad things. People want to be inspired by our content with our changed circumstances.
Lord, today I come to you to repent. I have focused so much energy these past 19 months trying
to get better so I could go back to work. You know how much I loved my job. My desire to return to it inspired me to exercise regularly and gain strength. I gave it my all. I trusted you for complete healing. Yet here I am with new symptoms that are concerning.
I am told certain parts of my body have been damaged. No one can tell me if the damage is temporary or permanent. I cry out to you to fix me. But two weeks before my Mayo appointment my symptoms increased rather than improved. Sometimes I have to accept help
to get out of a chair. My pride for independence is fading. Maybe that's your plan. I thought I still had dependence on you, but maybe my narrow focus made me think more about what "I" wanted than what you wanted for me. I will not grow bitter for what I have
lost. To the end of my days I will cry out to you in gratitude. For you have given me the greatest gift of all, salvation. Salvation outweighs how many miles I can hike and how well I can shoot a gun. My physical abilities do not define me. My innate spiritual
thoughts and eagerness to follow you do. Help ME become who YOU desire me to be. Please show me and direct me on this new path. Help me not to be selfish, but to share my soul with others who need you. Please let me honor you however you see fit. I love you,
Jesus, and I thank you for YOUR love. Help me share this story to bless others. Thank you, Jesus. And please give Logan a hug from his momma and tell him he gives me courage everyday.
What a beautiful, sunny, and hot day in Wasilla. Amazing
weather. We went for a hike with Meghan and the girls at Reflection Lake. I carried each girl for a time and was happy I could. At one point I let them all roam ahead of me and I just gazed at them in wonder. This is my family and I am here with them! I never
cease to be happy and relieved that I am alive. I had to fight the tears because I didn't want to concern my family, but there really were tears of joy and gratitude.
Patrick deep fried some pike for us and it was wonderful. I made homemade potato salad
and a green salad. We shared our meal with Meghan, the girls, and our neighbor Sarah and her girls. It's so nice to visit with people.
Tomorrow I have plans to do some organizing around here and work on my novel I decided to wrote. Yes, I am finally
going to wrote a book about Logan and our family's experiences. People keep telling me too and since I won't be working, it seems like a good time to find a new project.
It's 7:30 pm and the girls and Kirk just left. I tried napping with Ailynn earlier,
but I couldn't sleep. At least I rested with my legs elevated. I am so tired. The last couple of hours I found myself holding back participation and just sleepily observing. I feel as if this happens a lot and it makes me sad that I am not fully engaged with
my family. I just am bone weary and can't seem to function like everyone else. I wonder if I will have more energy when my new thyroid medication comes. My TSH level was six times the normal limit which could explain the extreme fatigue. I just hope my family
realizes I DO want to be a part of these family get togethers and I wish I had the energy to fully engage.
What on earth is wrong with me? I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. I have been awake since 0400. I made breakfast
and lunch for Patrick and I am planning what I will make for dinner. I need to grocery shop, visit Granny, and go see the girls and get another walk in. I look at my ugly yard that was torn up two years ago when we replaced the septic and I am sad I can do
nothing to make it look good. I am not allowed to mow, rake, plant flowers, nothing! I can't dust or vacuum my house. I am home and not earning an income yet I seem so lazy because I am so limited. I feel worthless today. I walk around all day looking for
something that I can do that will not hurt me.
"God's plans will always be greater and more beautiful than all your disappointments."
What are your plans for me, God?
I tried to occupy myself by visiting with Meghan and the girls. We went
for a walk and then I took Ollie to the grocery store and to Granny's before bringing her home with me. I got more unfortunate news today so it felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me despite the sunshine the girls bring me. There is no rhermatologist in
Alaska that can get me in anytime soon. I was told it's an 8-10 month wait. Mayo said, " no way, you need to come back here within a month." Besides that, my CT results of my jaw is not good. The radiologist says it's a severe case and mentioned possible surgery.
Again, more testing has to be done. Hopefully I can fly there in the next week while I am still covered under my health insurance plan. I have excellent insurance, but it will end with my job. Some days I feel discouraged.
night for me. Besides the concern and worry I have about my health and our finances due to my illness, I believe the Prednisone is messing with my sleep patterns. I fell asleep from probably 9-10 then was awake until about 0300 and slept just another hour.
My body is fatigued.
Just when I think things are so grim, I get a calls and messages from people who are concerned and want to help out in some way. I am encouraged. I got super good news this afternoon. There is NO sign of Leuk. Now I didn't expect
anything different, but it's always good to see that kind of confirmation in print.
I spent the afternoon in Anchorage. I went to Costco to get a bunch of things we needed and found myself wandering around for a couple of hours. It's been years since
I haven't been on a set schedule and just had time to wander. It felt fantastic not to have the pressure of needing to be some place. I did get super tired though and was more than ready to get out of there. I took Patrick a piece of pizza for lunch and I
ate one myself. I actually enjoyed it. Maybe my taste buds are completely back.
Last night my dear darling husband did some mowing and weed eating in my ugly yard. It looks so much better. I coudn't go outside while he was doing it for
fear of floating fungus getting in my lungs. I cleaned up the kitchen and did as much inside as I could. About 9:00 pm I took a walk. It finally warmed up in the evening after a chilly day. I walked about 2 miles listening to praise music. Finally I felt like
I was getting out of my funk and overcoming the disappointment of all the additional problems I have developed post-transplant. I heard the song "Overcomer" twice yesterday and it made me realize I AM still in this fight and I WILL overcome it all.
Meghan and I will be meeting at a park in Wasilla. We are getting Ailynn's six month pictures done by a friend of Ingrid's. It's another fundraiser to help her family out with expenses while she is being treated for cancer. It's a win-win situation; her family
benefits financially and we finally get Ailynn's pictures done! Olivienne had a lot more pictures taken by this age. The poor second child gets a little left out. I love them both and can't wait to see them today.
Despite the rainy and
chilly weather, we had a pretty good photo shoot. Ailynn did smile a lot. We tried to get pictures of Ollie too, but she really doesn't like her picture taken. She can be quite stubborn. I wonder where she gets that from.... After the pictures were taken we
came back to my house. We enjoyed a nice lunch and played with the girls. I then told Meghan she could stay as long as she wanted, but I had to go take a nap. I get so tired.
The swelling in my feet is decreasing, but my ankles are still swollen. Unfortunately
I have a new symptom. The skin on the top of my feet hurts to even touch it. Sometimes it also looks red. I'm pretty concerned that this is GVHD which would not be a good thing. I have multiple appointments scheduled for June 7th. I fly out on the 6th and
will return the evening of the 9th. I figured I better add a few days because they are notorius for adding additional appointments on as things come up.
Today seems to be a good day to share these lyrics by Casting Crowns:
"You Are The
One more mother with a broken heart
One more family is torn apart
One more orphan out in the cold
One more fear that takes control
One more tangled in the same old lies
One more shackled to the same
One more scared of what tomorrow brings
And one more chasing yesterday
Lord, let Your kingdom come
Who can right every wrong
You are the only One
Who can calm every storm
You are the only One
You alone are Father, Savior, Spirit, Healer, Redeemer
Lord of all
You are the only One
One more skeptic to believe
One more prisoner has been set free
One more longs to be Your hands and feet
One more standing
for the least of these
One more praying in the morning light
One more shining in the darkest night
One more life worth fighting for
No greater love worth dying for
Lord, let Your kingdom come
Lord, let Your will be
I want to know You more
I want to make You known
I want this world to see
That You're alive in me
Jesus, You're the only One
(Father, Savior, Spirit)
You are the only One
(Redeemer, Lord of
You are the only One
Yesterday I did something I had no intention of doing, nor did I think it would be mandatory for my health to do. I submitted my resignation to the State of Alaska,
Department of Corrections. My almost 8 years as a Probation Officer is officially over effective June 2nd, 2016. I won't lie when I say it didn't hurt. It is final. It is finished. I did not want to do this, I did not anticipate having to do this, but I have
no choice since my doctor said working is too dangerous for me at this time. But I plan on getting stronger and going back when this transplant is a little further behind me. I have to give myself credit as I DID return to work part-time four months post-transplant.
My medical team thought I was absolutely nuts as did my co-workers. But I have loved my job so much and I have loved helping other people. I had finally built myself up to full-time work and even though it was physically challenging/exhausting for me, I was
proud of myself for achieving my goal of returning full time before it had been a year since transplant. And then I got hit with the RSV, Corona Virus, and pneumonia. There went that plan. I haven't worked since March 8th. I am finally adjusting to not being
gainfully employed, but I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. As I said, I fully intend to get better and try for anothe probation position. But I am always open to what God wants for me.
This next week I will be busy scoring grant applications for non-profits who have applied to the United Way for fiscal year 2017/2018 funding. This is a process I have been a part of through the Borough and United Way for several years. I love handing
out money to non-profits who benefit the many in our community with great needs. It's a satisfacting feeling to know money will benefit agencies who help others. I have till Friday of next week to finish so I must schedule a time to thoroughly examine each
application. Other than that, I plan on getting involved in more volunteer opportunities. I just signed up to be a peer match for someone who is going through the bone marrow transplant process. Now that I am one year post-transplant, I qualify to emotionally
assist someone else who is in the early stages of transplant. I am excited about that. I also signed up to be a counselor with RAINN, an organization that helps people who are coping with being sexually abused. I voluntered with them when I worked with victims
of sexual and physical assault. It's all anonymous and on the computer so I can easily fit it into my schedule without putting myself at risk. My granny wants to make sure I am not going around too many people. My doctors keep telling me I am still at a high-risk
of infections so I must limit exposure. I also want to get back on the meal ministry team at church and make meals for families who have recently had medical issues. I have so many plans to volunteer! I need to make a list of my current top interest and figure
out how to fit it all in and still be a fulltime Grammie... I also understand my tendency to overdo things and must remember I have to take time to rest so my body may heal.
I got to walk last night with Dorothy and Debbie. We
had a great time and walked about 2.5 miles. The day before I did the same walk with my friend Mike. Mike & Dorothy both commented on how fast I am walking and that made me feel happy. Granny offered me the use of her cane yesterday after seeing me struggle
to get out of her chair. I have to admit I was highly offended. I know I shouldn't be because she is just concerned. But I don't want to be treated like an invalid. She frequently tells me I shouldn't be doing anything but resting. I keep telling her my doctor
said to keep exercising and going about my life. I know she's concerned about me and she loves me so much. But I am fed up with people telling me to stay in bed all day. That is not me........I had no choice but to rest a lot right after transplant, but now
I really do feel good and it's hard to sit around. Yes, I get tired, but yes, I know when to stop and take a nap.
Tonight we are going to my cousin Matt's "Celebration of Life". I'm not really sure what that means. I guess rather
than a funeral where a preacher talks about death & Heaven, we will spend time as a family talking about memories of Matt. All I know is we are all very sad that he made the choice to drink and ruin his liver. He had so much to live for. He loved his wife
and children so much, but that damn addiction just took over and controlled his very life. Matt was a beautiful baby- about six years younger than me. I remember we got to watch him when he was a few months old. He was the cutest baby I had ever seen. He had
bright blue eyes and was simply adorable. He grew up to be a nice young man. When he got married to his first wife, Logan was being treated in Seattle and we were going to miss the wedding. I remember sitting next to him at Granny's and crying as I apologized
to him that we weren't going to be there for his special event. He wrapped his arms around me and assured me that being with Logan was more important. He was good about keeping in touch with us over the years to encourage us. Recently we hadn't been in contact
much and I suspect his addiction was responsible for his withdrawal from the family. When I did see him he was pretty evasive about his health. Matt had a lot of issues as those with addiction do, but he was a good man and I am sorry he is dead. I am thankful
he accepted Jesus before he took his last breath on earth. I am glad I went to visit him and was able to share my love for Christ with him. I am happy I wrote out a prayer for his mom to read to him and he repeated it out loud as he acknowledged he was
a sinner and asked for forgiveness. I am thankful he repeated a similar prayer when my dad went to see him after that. I am grateful he is in Heaven with our heavenly father and with my son.
I HATE ADDICTION.
service we are going to our special place. I look forward to a couple days roaming around with my dogs. Poor Patrick is going to be working on the basement, but I can't help due to the dust. I struggle with guilt daily. I feel so lazy. I truly want to be able
to do the simple things like raking, mowing, vacuuming, dusting, etc. Somedays I just wander around looking for something I can clean safely so I feel useful.
Tonight we got together with our large family and shared the evening
remembering my cousin, Matt Oathout. There were also lots of friends who came to support his wife and children. My heart hurt for my uncle and aunt as they grieved the loss of their first-born son. I thought about my granny, Mary because her youngest son passed
away many years ago. My heart also hurt for my Aunt Constance because her oldest child died years ago. No matter how long it has been, the pain is still there. It will be 18 years this October since we lost Logan. The pain is still intense and at times knocks
the breath right out of us. As my dad said tonight, remember to keep in touch with those closest to the ones who hurt- spouses, parents, children, siblings. While others go along in their journey of life, the ones left behind still hurt. Reach out once in
awhile and say, " I know you miss him/her and I am here for you. Fiercely love the ones that are still here with you. Make time for them for you do not know when you will be separated by death. Do not let small things destroy bonds. Pride WILL go before a
fall. Lower your pride now and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Aunt Angie and Uncle David, I am sorry that Matt is gone, but I am thankful he accepted Jesus and he is in Heaven. How wonderful it is that you led him to the Lord, Aunt Angie.
What a day of rejoicing it will be when we are all together again. Lisa, he loved you fiercely.
I finally slept great last night. There is something magical about the air down here in Kasilof.
I love it! It was rainy and cold the first half of the day and we were trying to put up a carport kind of tent for storage. An hour's work wore me out and I took a four hour nap. The energy just isn't here! But it did turn sunny and the dogs
and I went for a walk which was great. I saw this funny video of a dog on a treadmill. He was a big dog and walking away while a little dog was using one paw to "help the treadmill move for the big dog". It struck me as hilarious because that's probably what
Patrick thinks of my helping.
Tonight, here at our special place, I can't stop being grateful for everything we have, yet I hurt because Logan isn't here to enjoy it. It seems so wrong to have survived when my child didn't. There
is guilt because I am alive and he isn't and he deserved to live so much more than me. A poem I read sums up how he probably felt because he was so selfless. This is a poem I want read at my funeral because I don't ever want ANYone to feel bad for surviving
even if I didn't. The premise is not to feel guilty for still living after your special person is gone, but to honor them in all you do.
We are back home and I am so very tired. I put Bane on
and scrubbed the deck today with a long soapy broom while Patrick power washed it. It's amazing how little things exhaust me. I slept part of the way home and am so ready for bed. I worked on a couple of the grant applications for United Way, but my mind is
wandering so probably a good time to stop. I want to thoroughly examine each grant application without bias. What wonderful non-profits we have in the community. I think it will be fun to be a full-time volunteer again.
happy Patrick went fishing tonight with Roy. He sure deserves a break. He worked hard all weekend long. Hopefully he will totatlly relax tonight and the boat will run well and he will catch lots of fish.
still happy Patrick went fishing, but I couldn't sleep until he got home which was after midnight. Even then sleep alluded me. I am fed up with this not sleeping thing. It was a rough night with many restless moments. I got out of bed this morning with very
sore shoulders. But I still did some of my strength training exercises and walked two miles on the treadmill. I am not going to let a few sore muscles stop me from improving my health.
While on the treadmill I listened to my praise
music and was reminded that God is so awesome and in control of everything. When we need him most, we are held in his arms. Thank you, Jesus for taking care of all of us.
My friend Ingrid is weary after completing her first round
of chemo. She has had a really rough go at it and my heart hurts for her. Another friend who has had multiple bouts with several cancers found out she likely has yet another cancer. What do I say to someone who has way more experience with cancer than me?
How can I comfort her? Another friend called to say her husband has cancer. My heart hurts for so many. Please heal them, Jesus.''
Today was a super busy day. I worked on some grant applications, did some household chores, and
then picked Granny up for a meeting at the Senior Center. I had to walk out of a meeting twice due to important phone calls I had been waiting for. Talk about being rude! I felt bad, but timing can't always be perfect. Afterwards I took Granny home and replaced
the battery in her automatic lock. Now you may think that's no big deal, but I had to use a Philips Head screwdriver (yes I knew what that was) and unscrew the lock, put the battery in, and tighten it all back up. For me that was simply impressive! I was raised
as a "princess daddy's girl." My dad did everything for me and never taught me how to change a tire, my oil, or anything "manly". Then I married Patrick who also continued to let me be a princess and did everything for me. The other night he made a comment
that I need to start learning to do some of these things. Ouch! After 30 years of marriage my royalty status must be diminishing. He is right. What satisfaction I found in completing this task. Granny and I must have been a sight! She was holding on to the
front of the lock because it fell off while I was working on the interior door side. If there is any woman who is self-sufficient, it would be my granny. I know it's hard for her to have other people do these things for her, but I was thrilled and gave her
a high five when I successfully completed the work. I walked out of there feeling pretty good and took a two hour nap.
I woke up to Patrick fixing fresh king salmon on the grill, steamed asparagus, and baked potatoes. Now that's
a nice way to wake up from a nap. After dinner I did some more manly things. I cleaned out the area by the garage and organized it in a temporary place so our house can get painted. It hasn't been painted in years and in fact part of the garage isn't even
painted. I have a friend who is helping us out so I am pretty excited. That manly work wore me out again. But here it is 12:30 at night and I cannot sleep again. My body is fatigued, but my mind won't stop working. Too bad my mind can't accomplish great and
Another sleepless night. Last time I looked at the clock it was 0230. I got maybe a couple hours of broken sleep. I worked on my book again last night. Going through Logan's medical papers is not
easy on my emotional state, but his story deserves to be told.
Today was another busy day. I worked on another grant application this morning, then went into Palmer. I met with Kelly (she would have been my supervisor if I had
been able to transfer units) for lunch. We had a great time catching up. Kelly is another one of those unique individuals that no once can dislike. She is very sweet and honest. She also had a child die so we share that unfortunate bond. My heart hurts for
After lunch we went back to her office and I signed my intent to separate employment from the state. The tears were hard to hold back as I explained to several co-workers that I wasn't coming back at this time. Perhaps
in the future I will be back, but for now, I will recover and get healthy.
I got my grocery shopping done and I made dinner for a nice woman in our church who has been frequently hospitlazed lately with a series of strokes. She
is very kind and sounds ambitious like me. She is trying to get back to work and do as much as she can. I hope that her body heals up quickly. She struggles with getting words out and explained that she can think them, but they just don't come out quite right.
I think she is doing a fantastic job and believe she will be okay.
It's 0400 and I have been awake for two hours. I must sleep! I have a doctor appointment at 0930 and then will be headed to
the cabin. I plan to hike in Soldotna with my friend Gretchen. I need sleep so I will have energy.
This week has been very busy. Yesterday my friend Wendy and her husband came over with a friend and planted grass for us. We replaced
our septic the year I got sick and was never able to repair the damage to the yard. Since I still can't work in the dirt, they volunteered to do this. They are truly pillars of the community. Wendy and I worked on the concept of Garden of Reflection, a memorial
garden by Wonderland Park Several years ago. Wendy and Pat's son Chris died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition while snow machining. We wanted a place where we could go and reflect and renember our boys. Neither of us had a cemetery to go to and we
felt like we didn't really have a special place to go to to honor them. We approached Mayor Sarah Palin and the Wasilla City Council. They agreed to give us funding and we also got donations from community members. We have a beautiful memorial statue
there, a water fall, trees and flowers. It's a peaceful place and Wendy has definitely done far more work than me on it. She's simply amazing and such a kind hearted lady and her husband is also wonderful and helpful and he steps right in and does these projects
with her without complaintl.
I finished scoring the grant applications for the United Way last night. I am just thrilled with all the non-profits in the Valley that exist to help our community. Helping others is what we should
all be doing! I got a call from one of the pastors of my church and he's very interested in me starting a substance abuse support group there. Next week I will do more research and put together a proposal. It will be a lot of work, but I want to help others
in this way. I am glad I finally finished my 30 hour course on substance abuse counseling. It took me forever simply because I am lazy.
We have spent three very relaxing days at the cabin and
I slept awesome each night. How wonderful it is to sleep again! We went to some garage sales on Saturday and got a few things for the cabin and for the girls. We went on the lake with our pontoon boats and I caught one small rainbow. Patrick caught many of
course. After about 45 minutes I was worn out so I walked back and took a long nap. We met some great people from Colorado. Donna and Ron are up packing up her dad's house to sell it. I have enjoyed getting to know her. Too bad she doesn't live up here because
it would be fun visiting each time we come down.
I went to the small church in Kasilof yesterday. It was my first time in all the years in the area. Usually we are down for just two nights and we are always busy trying to get everything
done in a short amount of time. Yesterday I really wanted to try it. I did not wear Bane and quickly regretted it. There were people coughing around me everywhere! Although the sermon was fantastic, I couldn't wait to get out of there and was praying I wouldn't
catch anything. The last thing I need is to end up in the hospital again.
I have my flight and hotel secured for my trip to Mayo next week, but still need to get a car rental. The prices are astronomical. This second trip in a
month is costing about $1300. This last trip cost over $2,000. Leukemia treatment is not cheap......we are close to running out of the community fundraising money and it worries me. I do not want to stress my husband out anymore.
My parents came down and left their camper. I sure hope they spend lots of time down there this summer relaxing. They are the busiest people I know and I want them to have fun. We are back home now and I have lots of chores lined up for this week. I do
hope to get a few hikes in too. I must exercise my lungs before my next pulmonary function test.