I made it to 2016! Patrick and I are at the cabin. On New Year's Eve I slept all the way here. Then I went to bed way before midnight. I am so fortunate to have a husband who is so supportive and loving and understanding! Last night he said we have to make the most of every moment and don't focus on what we cannot do, but be happy with what we can and be grateful for every moment. He is so good to me.
This coming October it will be TWO years since I was diagnosed. Everyday is a gift. I don't take this gift for granted and I don't take credit for my healing. I realize things can change in an instant. I do focus on what I CAN do and not what I canNOT do. Sure I get frustrated sometimes because limits are set upon me, but I don't forget to look at my ultimate goals: surviving and bringing people to Christ by being transparent and honest about my life experiences. Life is good and I am thoroughly blessed.
This was copied from the FB page "Brave Girls Club"
Dear Phenomenal Girl,
This was a year that you made huge strides that you won't even recognize for a while.
You touched people's lives that you don't even know about. You were protected from situations that you never saw coming, and so you don't even know how big that protection was.
You overcame things that you weren't expecting and you made it through days that sometimes you weren't sure you could make it through.
You saw beautiful things, met beautiful people, and shared your beauty too.
This year might have been a chapter that you are thankful is over, and it might have been one that made you laugh and that you will fondly remember.
This year might be right in the middle of a chapter and story that has not played out yet.....your story goes on from here.
This year you grew. This year you learned. This year you had 12 whole months of brand new experiences that are a part of YOUR story. This year your story was rich with ups and downs, tragedy and triumph.
This year you made it through. Sounds like a pretty fantastic year to me.
You are so loved.
Dr. Hogan reluctantly agreed that as of Monday I can start working full days and do obseved UA's on offenders. I am worried I am going to be extremely fatigued. I have to start at 0800 now and won't get off till 4:30. Since I don't sleep well at night, it will be difficult to keep that schedule. It's one more step forward in recovery and I am so thankful for the opportunity.
Am I ever tired! I worked 6.5 hours today and then babysit Ailynn for two hours. How can one person be so tired all the time? Last night I was awake from about 0100-0330. I am not sure why, but I did a lot of praying for people I know who are hurting. I spent a lot of time praying for my dear mother as she is in a lot of pain. I figured maybe God woke me up to pray. I got out of bed at 0430 and was walking on the treadmill. We have a cross with a replica of Jesus on it. I believe that cross belonged to Patrick's father who is deceased. I was looking at the cross and thanked Jesus for giving his life for me. I kept saying, "by your stripes, I am healed."
My sister-in-law will be going for a second opinion at Mayo Clinic next week. The consensus now is she doesn't need chemo, just radiation, but she wants to make sure that's the right way to treat her breast cancer. Radiation itself is going to be difficult and I feel for her.
Yesterday I worked my first day 7.5 hour day since I have been back. I got a lot of paperwork done. Yes, I was tired when I left. I had been awake since 0300. I ate so much yesterday. I had an insatiable appetite and I couldn't get full. I had oatmeal and scrambled eggs for breakfast, then I got a breakfast croissant sandwich about three hours later. I ate a whole can of soup with several crackers for lunch along with cottage cheese. I had cereal for dinner. Good grief! I bet I gained at least a pound. Hopefully soon I will have a regular sleep schedule and eat healthier.
I broke the rules and went to church today. It was the Lutheran church in Palmer so it wasn't crowded and I wore my mask of course. We had to go as Ailynn was christened today. Two years ago it was Olivienne. I am thankful my daughter and her husband believe in Jesus Christ and pledge to raise their children as believers. The most important thing on earth is preparing for eternal life. Life on earth can end suddenly as we all know through reading the news. Or sometimes we realize that because of illness our life expectancy is decreased. It doesn't really matter how long we are here on earth because we have the promise of eternal life if only we ask for it and believe. I know where I am going when my body says "enough".
I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed , a righteousness that is written by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."
It was a great visit with Dr. Spencer yesterday. She is very pleased with how well I am doing. My weight is up to 110.2 which is super good. Going in at 0600 to make up my time at the doctor's wore me out. I had to work till 4:30 and I was thoroughly exhausted. I napped while Patrick made dinner and then was in bed by 7:00. I slept till 0430 today and completed my exercise routine and two miles on the treadmill. It should be a great day!
Happy 8 month anniversary to my French baby and me! Thank you to my baby's parents for donating his umbilical cord. Thank you Jesus- by your stripes, I have been healed. I walk two miles on the treadmill most days , do 110 squats, 50 wall push-ups, 30 core exercises, and 100 calf raises each morning. i am working full time and feel great! I am still fatigued and go to bed before 8 most nights. I am truly thankful to God. He's so good.
I have let too many days go by since writing. I have spent my three day weekend organizing and cleaning up things. It looks better for sure, but boy am I tired! Dogs got me up at 0420 this morning and I bet I could have slept longer they hadn't. But I did my workout and walked two miles on the treadmill and then met my friend Kelly for breakfast. Kelly is in her 8th year of being cancer free! She's doing so great.
I had two requests in one day to talk with someone who had a loved one recently diagnosed with a blood cancer. Of course I agreed! That is one of the purposes God has for me- to share my experiences with others. There is a purpose for everything and I am honored to help however I can.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and savation; if we are comforted it is for your comfort , which produces in you patient endurance in the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, you also share in our comfort." (2 Corinthians 1:1-6)
Those words comforted Logan and they comfort me. We are not alone in our sufferings because Jesus suffers with us. But he's also there to comfort us and it's my pleasure to help others along similar journeys. My biggest desire is to be a real and true example of someone who walks the walk, not just talks the talk.
Tomorrow my sister-in-law starts radiation treatments for her breast cancer. She went to Mayo for a second opinion about chemo. Thankfully she does not have to do chemo. We are very grateful.
The fatigue seems to be getting worse. I am so exhausted. I didn't think working an extra hour and half each day would be so hard, but it sure is rough. I napped from 5:30-7:45. I'm probably going back to bed in a few. Yesterday was my Anchorage day- this time no doctor, just labs. I weigh the same-110. I no longer worry about not gaining weight. I am not losing weight and I am gaining muscle so that is good. I have a confession. I cried myself to sleep because I was so tired. The dogs wouldn't stay out of the kitchen while I was prepping dinner, the cat wouldn't stop meowing, and the storm door was broken and it kept slamming shut and opening and I couldn't fix it. Only my brights were working and people kept flashing me. I felt so irresponsible. I ended up having a hard time going back to sleep and it was probably midnight before I did.
Another exhausting day. Next week has to be better. I have lost my cheeriness. I need prayer.
Yesterday I had a lot more energy at work which was good. Today I feel weepy. I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I feel like crying. I have every reason to be happy and grateful, yet I feel sadness. I feel like I am healed and will be okay, yet I started making a list of songs I want played at my funeral. What is wrong with me?
Last night I was woken up to a violently shaking house. Earthquake! I screamed. I was yelling for Patrick to come save me. It was really ridiculous, but I am terrified of earthquakes. It was a long time befor I was able to go back to sleep. I don't ever want to be in one again. Nothing really seemed to happen to the house except for a few pictures- all of Logan which fell over, drawers were open, items in cabinets shifted, etc. Sounds like things were really bad on the Peninsula so I'm worried about the cabin.
We went over to Mark and Sharmin's tonight for dinner- celebrating Kyle's 16th birthday. We had a really nice time. Sharmin survived her week one of seven weeks for radiation. I feel bad for her As I know treatments are not fun.
Well I have a better attitude today. I went to bed at 6:45 last night. I woke up every hour or two and got up at 0430. I figured I would be in for an exhausting day since I went into work early, then had my labs, doctor appointment, and breathing treatment before returning to work. BUT I made it through the day without overwhelming exhaustion! And the PA I saw said I am doing terrific! I gained 3.8 pounds too. That's a lot in one week, but I needed it. I now weigh 113.8 which is the most I have weighed since a brief time in November. God continues to bless me. I hope I have turned the corner and the exhaustion will be gone forever.
I feel SO GOOD!!! I got up at 0415, worked out, put ribs in the crock pot, got the potatoes peeled for mashed potatoes, played with the dogs, did some laundry, spent some time with Patrick and did my morning prayer time. I love my morning time with the Lord. We get so much accomplished! :)
This morning on my way to work the song, "I can only Imagine" was playing. As much as I want to stay here on earth with my family, I "can only imagine" how awesome Heaven will be. One day I will know for sure and I hope you do too. To dance before Jesus and sing forever sounds fantastic! Especially with the ones I love and who have gone on before me. I Imagine Logan is having a wonderful time. I miss my little buddy, but he is safe.
Oh man I feel like me again! The extreme fatigue is gone and I am back to my positive and cheerful self. The days are bright once again and life is good. The other day I was in the lobby of our office when I noticed a lady staring at me. I'm used to being stared at since wearing Bane, but she was really staring. She then asked, "Are you sick?" I stood there for a moment and thought, " I really don't know how to answer that. I don't FEEL sick. " So I replied, " I'm recovering." She looked very confused and continued staring at me as she went out the door.
I have a strong urge to get back to the range and shoot. I feel so ready. It kind of scares me to be so confident and ready the resume my normal life. I feel God has healed me, but there's always that little voice reminding me things can get bad again, I don't like listening to the voice. I like being on my treadmill every morning saying, "by your stripes, I am healed." That's what I believe.
Meghan, Kirk, and girls came over last night. We had so much fun. Ollie just keeps us laughing and totally entertained. She was telling me all about waking up during the big earthquake we had the other night and how she was screaming and crying for her mom, but mom didn't come. She emphasized how the room was shaking, etc.... The truth is- Ollie slept through the earthquake. She must have heard others talking about it. She is a sponge soaking up information all the time. What a joy.
This is going to be a good day. I did not sleep well last night, but I feel terrific, happy, encouraged, and excited to be alive. I skipped my treadmill this morning because I was so tired. But I did do my strength training exercises. The treadmill is my prayer time. So I prayed all the way to work. God is good.
What a fantastic weekend we had. We kept Ollie all night Saturday and she did great. We thoroughly enjoyed her. We also got to visit with Meghan and Ailynn when Meg came to pick Ollie up Sunday.
Today I am spending my lunch hour with Meghan and the girls at Granny's. I love my family! Wednesday night is the big flight to Minneapolis. At least Friday night I get to have dinner with the Wanbergs and the Goldens. Saturday I will get to see several friends on a layover in Seattle. Sunday will mean I make several appetizers for Patrick and his friend, Steve for Super Bowl. Last year we were in Idaho and Patrick, Steve, and Dennis watched the game and then came to the hospital feeling a little rowdy and almost gettimg us ALL kicked out.😀
I am ready for my work day, Bring it on,
Last night I received a call from someone I haven't met who also has cancer. Her future on Earth appears to be shortened soon. But what is really heartbreaking is that she hasn't shared this dismal situation with anyone. She tells everyone she is doing well. She's working ten hour days in a job she doesn't love and is trying to pretend all is okay. My heart broke when I heard her voice crack as she told me, "I'm not okay. I'm not doing good, but everyone thinks I am because I can't tell them the truth." I couldn't have done this without my support team. God is the leader and all of you are teammates who carry me when I am weak. I pray for her and pray she has teammates who help her win this race.
My Dad has a birthday today and I wish I Were in Alaska to celebrate with him. Dad doesn't like birthday dinners, but he deserves to be honored because he is a very honorable man and is well loved. I hope he is blessed by many today.
I flew all night Wednesday and arrived in Minneapolis around 0630. I didn't sleep well on the plane. Those darn seats just aren't comfortable. I was able to do early check-in at the hotel and napped a few hours. I got together with my friend Faith when she got off work and then later her husband David joined us. Tonight I get to see my friends Lisa and Jerry.
I had seven shots this morning. Why? Because I am a baby and had to start my immunization so all over! My arms are sore....
I am still waiting to see Dr. Hogan, but had a great visit with Joan, the nurse covering for Carrie. I could honestly deny every symptom she threw out there. I am constantly amazed at the healing that's taken place in my life. I am a walking, talking miracle. God is incredible! As people keep telling me, Wow! What a story." I feel normal and healthy. The only thing abnormal is the fatigue, but that's even getting better. My weight is holding steady at 113.
My visit with Dr. Hogan went extremely well. He is very pleased with my recovery and released me for full duty at work. No restrictions . My story is incredible. God is incredible. Not even nine months post-transplant and I am back to normal. (Close to it anyway) I have to wear Bane until April 1 and then just in certain situations. I don't have to go back to Mayo until May. At that time they will do another bone marrow biopsy and other routine one year post tests. My medications are being weaned off too.
I had a great visit with friends in Seattle during my layover. I got to hang out with Gary, Delanie, Ernie, Ginny, Nichole, and Rex. They all got their phones out and were taking pictures of me like I was a celebrity. It was a tad bit embarrassing, but funny.
Today is the Super Bowl. I'm home alone because Patrick is hanging out with friends. I can't go because some of the people are sick. Guess it's a good time to do laundry and prepare for my week.
My dogs were very happy to see me. It's so good to be home. Hopefully I will have a grand baby in each arm soon.
I didn't mention that I had a couple embarrassing moments in the airport. While I was in the security line, a lady in front of me turned around and said, "Why are you wearing that mask? Are you sick? Do you have allergies?" I explained why I wear a mask and she seemed sympathetic, but it was embarrassing. Then I set off the alarm and the security lady asked me to remove my mask. I had to explain why again. Talk about bringing attention to me!
I need to learn not to be so self-conscious. I just wish people would be more thoughtful when talking. Most are, but there are always a few insensitve people.
This weekend we are going to our special place- the cabin. Yippee!!! I love our cabin. I can relax and not feel guilty for doing so. It's funny that it happens to be Valetine's Day weekend too. I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day- I think designating a day to show someone you love them is ridiculous because every day should be that way. However, my heart is overflowing with love for the man who has stood beside me so faitfully these past several months. Not to mention all the years he's been such a great husband.
Yes, it's Valentines Day, but more importantly we celebrated nine months post-transplant on this day. Nine months! I have been given a new lease on life. I feel like I have discovered a great treasure- one that is more precious than gold or silver. God has trusted me to do his work here on earth. I feel so special to him. I feel undeserving, but am grateful he trusts me. I feel sad for all the ones who didn't survive cancer. Why me? Everyday he allows me to live on this earth I will find a reason why. God is so amazing and I love him and I look forward to following his plan. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
This morning I lost another friend to cancer. Wendy was a very brave woman who fought a horrific battle with breast cancer. She would tell me how hard she was fighting and how confident she was that she would win this vicious battle. I have known Wendy since We were children. I remember how she got attacked by a dog and it left a scar on her face. I remember how impressed I was with her bravery. I am impressed today, Wendy. You gave it your all. You DID win because you are with Jesus. I cry for you because I know how badly you wanted to stay with your girls.
I feel guilty because two childhood friends have lost their lives to cancer within just a few months and I am still here. What plans do you have for me, Lord? How can I serve you? I am here for a reason and I don't take that lightly. I honor you and I will do whatever you ask of me. Help me to comfort the hurting, bring joy to your people, spread the news of your love, and live a life where others can truly see you in me. Forgive me for all my sins. Thank you for your healing. I will honor you.
Yesterday I had to leave work a little early. I became extremely nauseous. I think it was the almond butter sandwich. Dr. Hogan said to try almond butter since I developed an intolerance to some nuts. The first tme I had almond butter it seemed to go okay. This time was bad. I slept for three hours after arriving home. Patrick is sick with a respiratory illness so he and I can't be around each other which means there was no one to baby me. Sure, I could have had Mom come over, but there was really nothing anyone can do. I think I'm much better but it's still an ungodly hour to really judge. Since I went off the Beclamathasone, I can't keep my blood sugars from dropping. I am having constant lows. The good thing is I am now at a normal weight. I gained seven pounds in one week which is not good, but I weigh a healthy 120. I am still exercising too so have muscles again.
Today there will be a military memorial service for my friend Elaine. I wish I could be there. Too many from our Indiana class are dying.
What a fantastic weekend! Saturday I had our annual board retreat with United Way. We had a great meeting and I love being part of this organization. UW does so much to help our community. It's neat to be part of it. Saturday night Ollie spent the night and we had a great time playing. Sunday morning she went to church with me to sign people up for next week's blood drive that I am coordinating. She was pretty excited about seeing someone give their blood. I had to explain that was next week. She seems pretty interested in the medical field. She loves pushing buttons on my insulin pump and handing me my medicine. When we got home she assisted me in making homemade brownies for a dinner we are helping out with through the Prisoner re-entry program. She finally wore me out so much I had to take a nap. Patrick woke me up when Meghan arrived. He carried Ailynn in to me and she was all smiles. Turns out Ollie put herself down for a nap. Guess Grammie wore her out too!
I was filled with gratitude thinking about how God has blessed me so much and I am here to do these things and how good I feel doing them! I also realized this year Patrick turns 50 and it's our 30th wedding anniversary. What a special year.
God is so faithful and so good. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and was worried. Ordinary little things scare the "crap" out of me now. I worry- will this sore throat end up being something serious and I have to go back to that horrible prison they call a hospital? I decided to do my morning routine a little different to see how I felt. I figured I would need to skip my work out because I was afraid the strenuous activity could make me worse. I kept hearing all of you saying, "you need to rest!" Well after I got breakfast and lunches taken care of I decided to go ahead and get on the treadmill. It's not just exercise for me. It's a feeling that I can beat all odds if I work out and get stronger. Heck, if I can walk 3-5 miles per day during chemo, I think I can walk 2.1 miles with a sore throat. PLUS, it's my special time with God. It is a time when I listen to my praise and worship music and thank him for his healing. It's a time I pray for all my friends and bring their concerns up to our Lord. It's my special time with him and I'm jealous and protective over that time. I completed it and went on to do even more strength training exercises that I usually do. I feel on top of the world. God is good and gracious. He is faithful and just. I love him! Last night I talked with a dear friend who has battled cancer and other serious illnesses multiple times. This friend was concerned about ME and told me she and her wide group of friends pray for me faithfully. They didn't just stop once the transplant was over. Many people continue to pray for complete healing and restoration in my body. God is so good! People are so good! I am so appreciative.
I worry about my little granddaughter Ailynn. She has RSV. Please join me in praying she will be completely healed and will have no further complications. They are getting ready to go to Hawaii next week and I sure what them to have a wonderful time as a family. Kirk just graduated with his journeyman certification and we are so proud of him.
Yesterday we had a blood drive at Church on the Rock. I wasn't able to stay the whole day, but did go and meet them when they arrived and gave them cookies that Ollie and i made. She spent the night Saturday and was so happy to make cookies for the blood donors. She doesn't really understand what that means, but she thinks it's really cool! I was so tired after she left that I took a nice long nap. I took one Saturday too. Just seems I can't get enough rest. I woke up at 0430 Saturday and 0500 Sumday. Back to 0430 this morning, I wonder what it's like to sleep in! I'm thankful I'm healthy, but I wish I weren't so tired all the time.
Ailynn seems to be doing better, but she's still coughing, therefore; I can't snuggle my chunk of love. They leave for Hawaii on Saturday so it may be awhile before I can hold her again.
Back to work today. I really wish I had a three day weekend every week. Working wears me out! I need energy.
What a glorious display of majestic splendor today. The sunrise was incredible and as I gazed upon it in wonder, I thought how impossible it is to deny we have an amazing God who created this world. There is no way it could just happen! Glory to God.
I am burdened for so many who are hurting right now. I have friends who are suffering from great depression, those who are suffering from severe physical ailments, and those who just are lost because they don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I love my prayer time every morning while I am on the treadmill. I pray for everyone who comes to mind. I pray that others see the real Jesus in me. It's funny how so many I know don't believe, yet they come to me and ask me to pray for them. Plant the seed, Jesus. Use me to help guide others to you.
Yesterday I woke up feeling a little off, but still did the treadmill. I was just feeling worse and worse, but was determined to go to work. Patrick took one look at me and said, " Are you feeling okay?" I looked in the mirror and saw the spark in my eyes was gone. I went to work and a couple people asked me right away if I were okay. It felt good to know people are sensitive to my health. I tried to make it the whole day, but I just couldn't do It. I missed a training I was so looking forward to. I slept for four hours when I got home and then went back to bed at 8 and slept till 0450. I feel great today and I know it is because a few people were praying for me. God is good and Leuk is dead.
I found the secret to sleeping well. I took 2 Tylenol PM pills last night and slept till 0800! Now I have tried that before and it didn't work. But I'm thankful it worked last night. My body is so weary. I have slept and rested this weekend and I think tomorrow will be an awesome beginning to a fabulous week. I will resume my exercising tomorrow. I took two days off last week and am taking today off too. Just need to feel stronger before I add my exercises back in. I have a cough again and I don't want to push it.
Yesterday the singer Joey passed away from cancer. I had only recently heard of her. She was so courageous and shared her love for God with many. I'm sorry she died, but I know is free from pain. May many learn to trust God in the face of adversity from her example.
I took Meghan, Kirk, and the girls to the airport yesterday. They are in Hawaii. I'm very excited for them and happy they will have this family trip to share before Kirk begins the long hours of journeyman lineman duties.
Patrick went to the cabin this weekend and will be back today. I needed the time alone so I wouldn't feel guilty for being lazy! When he is here I feel like I should be doing something constructive. Every once in awhile I need to let the guilt go and relax.
Mom and I bought tickets to go to Indiana before my one year Mayo check up. We are so excited that soon we will be seeing friends and family. So many from IN has prayed for me and I can't wait to hug them and say thank you. I can't believe it's been almost a year since transplant. Praise GOD! He gets ALL the credit. I am amazed.
I really didn't feel well all weekend. At first I thought I was just being lazy, but realized yesterday I just don't feel well. I describe it like this: I did hard time in prison (hospital) for a VERY serious offense. I got put on Discretionary Parole for good improvement and positive strides to better my health. I was doing pretty well on Discretionary Parole and got this misdemeanor conviction. This misdemeanor conviction is an irritant and worrisome. Will it mess up all the good things I have accomplished on parole? The "misdemeanor" (cough and body aches) doesn't seem like a big deal, but combined with my very serious felony conviction, I am concerned. But I didn't just find God in prison. I have known him my whole life and will continue to trust him.
Patrick lost his truck key at the cabin and called me yesterday sounding pretty stressed out. I told him I would pray he found it. He called me back an hour later and said he didn't find it and was making alternative plans to get home. I prayed some more and had a feeling he would find it in a strange place. He called me back and told me he found it by the wood pile where he relieved himself when he arrived there Friday night. I had to laugh and said, " That's not luck- that is GOD!" I was telling a friend and said "If God can answer my prayers about a key, he most certainly will answer the prayers of my heart."
When Patrick got home he made me the best chicken soup ever. I'm going to fake being sick more often,😀
Today is my birthday and I have been admitted to the hospital. Officially my worst birthday ever. My misdemeanor turned into two felonies. I have RSV and pneumonia. I am very sick.
I was moved to ICU yesterday. I am being treated for RSV, pneumonia, and another virus. My lungs have been attacked badly. I reacted poorly to one of the IV drugs and almost got intubated. I had to wear a bi-pap mask which was like one Logan wore at the end. It was very uncomfortable and claustrophobic feeling. It dried out my mouth so bad I couldn't even move my tongue. I had severe anxiety issues. I am concerned that even with oxygen I am only at 95%. Will this go away? I don't have the answers yet.
Mom, Patrick, Michelle, and Melissa visited yesterday. Casey spent the night. Good to have family around. Dad came to see me on my birthday.
My parents, Melissa and Kyle, and my boss came to see me. Mom and Dad were the only ones to see me awake. I slept pretty much all day. Casey was a great helper during the night. He rubbed by sore shoulders and neck. I had no idea he was so good at doing massages. Lucky Kelsey!
It's 0422 and I have had my blood drawn, a sponge bath, a chest x-ray, and breathing treatment. They like doing things at night!
Last night I listened to my praise and worship music and was calmed. I know I AM an Overcomer, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if this is "it". It's eerily like what Logan went through at the end.
I am feeling better. It's easier to breathe with the oxygen now. Planning on getting a PIC line- #7 central line. I have had three IV's fail since I have been here. I have an infiltration in right arm and it's sore. Mark and Sharmin just came to see me and it was great visiting with them.
Happy 10 months anniversary to my French babies and me. I know I have had a set back, but I am still glad I have made it ten months. I am not sure what God has planned for me. But I know he holds my future in his hands and I am okay with whatever happens. I slept through more visitors today- Mom, Dorothy, Patrick, and Kelsey. I woke up to an amazing delivery of goodies from a local family who really care about me. We met under strange circumstances, yet we share the love of our God.
My temperature is back up. I had the PICC line put in. Will likely be here another week.
This morning I woke up not feeling well at all. I will admit I was very discouraged. God brought me through killing Leuk, yet here I sit with lungs full of fluid and a fever. What's the plan, God? What am I missing? Then an old friend came by. God gave her words for me. Nothing in my life has been minute. I have been given mountainous events. Huge events, not tiny ones. God has guided me all the way. God has been faithful and dependable and he had great plans for me. Things in my life will be changing. This isn't my plan, but it's God's plan. I love what I have been doing for the last eight years, but it seems God has something else in store for me. No more sorrow, no more tears. I will rise when he calls my name. I will do what he asks. I will work where he wants me to work. I will serve where he wants me to serve. My dad came by and said the same things. I will honor my Lord and share his love with the multitudes. That's my job and it doesn't matter where I do it from.
Tonight I am receiving one of many breathing treatments of the day. I look forward to these treatments because I feel the healing flowing into my lungs. When I get out of here it's back on the treadmill for me. I need to exercise my lungs more. Maybe go climb Hatcher Pass. Give these lungs a workout! I sure hope I can go home for the weekend. Patrick has his annual winter king fishing derby and I know he would feel better about going if I were out of the hospital. I don't want him to miss out on this trip. He had to miss out last year because of me. No more sacrifices!
I miss my dogs! Poor Ringo is probably beside himself.
Last night for some reason this hospital bed seemed cozy. I settled down on all the pillows sighing contently. It was going to be a good night. I woke up and thought it was time to get up. Imagine my surprise when it was 0200. I didn't feel so good so asked for Tylenol and anti nausea meds. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 0400. I called for the nurse and asked if I could bathe and get my hair washed. She said sure. Two hours later I was still waiting. Finally someone came. It felt so good to have my hair washed even if it was an uncomfortable process and there was only cold water. At least my hair is clean. I texted Patrick about 0600 and asked him to bring me a sausage biscuit. When I didn't get a response I suspected he overslept. I called him and was he ever surprised when I told him it was 0730! Poor guy is burning the candle at both ends. I told him to forget bringing breakfast- I would choke down whatever they brought me. The respiratory therapist showed up at the same time as my breakfast so I had to wait. After my treatment she tried to help by setting up my tray. She rammed my shoulder with the table. I strongly suggested she ask a nurse to do it. She left without asking anyone to help but I was able to get it figured out myself. I just started eating and a new nurse came in wanting to listen to my lungs, take my temperature etc. Geez Louise! All I wanted was some food! She must have been a psych major as well because she wanted to assess my mental state. I had to tell her my name and birthdate, why I was here, where I was, etc. I'm getting crankier by the minute which tells me I should be released soon. Before I was too sick to care what anyone did for me, now I just want out !
Despite my earlier poor attitude, I had a great day. I got another visit with Dorothy and Michele, my niece Michelle, friend Pam,Mark, Sharmin, Kyle,Melissa, Casey, Holly and Patrick. I am loved! As soon as a bed is available, I get to transfer to a regular floor. I'm so excited. Hopefully tomorrow. This means I will get a flushing toilet! No more port-a-potty. It's the little things in life.. At this point I have a tentative release date of 3/20. Oh I hope so. I want to go home.
Last night I dreamed there were many of us walking -apparently on another plane. It wasn't earth, it wasn't Heaven. Suddenly we all stopped and gazed in wonder at the sight before us. God was revealing his kingdom one snapshot at a time. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. I was left knowing there was more, but that was all I was going to see at the moment. Many tried to take pictures with cell phones, but the cells wouldn't open to the camera. We knew God would not allow us to share this with others who weren't there. We waited in a seemingly prearranged spot. God himself was coming down to tell us what he needed us to do for him! Unfortunately I woke up before I saw him. How special I felt to be one of the chosen ones.
Quieter day here but still had a few visitors. My faithful friend Dorothy was here again. Ann from work came and Meghan came! First time I have seen Meghan since they got back from Hawaii. I got to visit with Ailynn from a distance. Meghan held her at the door and she grinned and waved to me. Ollie stayed with Grandma Jane. She asked her mom if grammie was all better and out of the hospital so she could come over and make cookies. I see what I have started.... Lots of baking in our future!
I am still running fevers. My infectious disease doctor ordered a chest CT. He said I should not be having fevers at this point and is concerned something else is going on. I asked him to send pictures to Mayo so they could interpret results. I'm starting to wonder when I am getting out of here.
Things are going to be okay, but my life has been seriously altered. Just when I thought I was going to be normal again.
How I feel for all the people in the world with lung problems. It's a scary thing, not being able to breathe. When I get released I will have oxygen at home, yet I am still frightened to be alone. I just went to the restroom and to brush my teeth. My SAT went down to 84% and my heart was racing. Please God, don't let this keep happening. I want to be normal again.
My CT scan showed no fungus, but all lobes have been affected by RSV and pneumonia. I'm not sure what we will do since there's no improvement. No worsening issues, but no improvement. No fever for 24 hours! I don't count 99.6 as fever.
Alaska was hit hard with spring snow and everyone is so surprised. We had a spring like winter and we all thought summer was around the corner. I'm sure the skiers are happy.
I heard the husband of a fellow PO was diagnosed with lymphoma. No one is untouchable. My prayers are with them.
Today is Casey's birthday. Second year in a row I have missed his birthday. I wonder if things will ever be the same again. Will I continue being absent from family gatherings? Will I ever go out in public without a mask again? Will I ever know what it feels like to just do normal things without worrying I might be too far from a hospital? Will my family ever stop worrying about me? Will my husband ever have the burden lifted from his shoulders? Will Ollie stop looking at me as the sick Grammie? Am I going to cause us to lose everything we worked so hard for?
And here is God who reminds me today has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow. God who shows me his power when I look at the mountains he has created. God who sends friends to comfort and entertain me. God who gives us stamina to continue moving forward. God who shows us moments to laugh together. God. The almighty one, I trust you.
I'm back down to 110.9. Temperature is down to 99. I feel better. I walked three laps today. I may get out Wednesday. I am hopeful.
I had lots of visitors today. Patrick a few times, great- uncle Hank, my boss, my mom, my grandma. Mom was pushing Granny in a wheelchair. When they were leaving the chair wouldn't move because a bag got stuck in the wheel. Granny stood up and jabbed at it with her cane like a boss. I haven't laughed so hard in so long. Of course it made me cough uncontrollably as I am now from thinking about it and laughing. Oh Granny.
A good day of visitors. Amy and Kelly from work, Meghan stood in doorway with Ailynn, and Kirk was here. Patrick came before work and he will come after. He took care of Ollie so Meg and Kirk could visit. Ollie wanted to come see Grammie in the hospital with that thing in her nose and talk to her doctors. How cute is that!
They finally started me on Prednisone to help my lungs. Today I went down to 2.5 liters of oxygen, but my SAT goes down to mid 80's when I get up. I can't just lie in bed! I want to go home. They took my heart monitor off so we are heading in the right direction.
After 13 nights I am getting released! Hallelujah, I am going home. Must get my 5th PICC line out and have oxygen set up first. Hoping to be in my house with my dogs by noon! Unfortunately I am forbidden to be around the babies until I stop coughing. They don't want us passing colds back and forth, I won't lie, that's not going to be easy. Maybe by this weekend.
I am home and thankful. My house....how I love it. But the realization and sorrow hit me and I broke down in tears. The babies are coming over tonight and I will be stuck in my room. They can wave to me from my doorway, but can't come in. How does one explain to a two year old that Grammie really does want to play, but the doctor said no.
After eight years of loving my job as a probation officer and fighting to keep it, I am going to lose it. I am out of FMLA and I need possibly months to recover. I fought so hard. I beat Leuk. I had a successful transplant. I was back at work and getting ready to soon go back to the field. And I got a stupid cold? It ruined my career! A stupid cold! A stupid cold that turned into RSV, Corona virus, and pneumonia. I am angry. I loved my job. God has other plans for me and I have to accept it, but I bare my soul when I tell you I am deeply grieving.
It's 0317 and I have been awake for a couple of hours. I am doing a breathing treatment now. I was sleeping in my own bed and just woke up. Maybe it's the darn home oxygen machine. It's so loud. I barely slept the last night in the hospital and I didn't nap at all. Last night Meg, Kirk, and the girls came over. I stayed in my room and they visited me in the doorway. Ollie was not happy about that at all." Why can't I come in your room? I want to hold you, Grammie!" She would inch a little farther in the room and say, Grammie, say get out of here!" I tried explaining to her that the doctor said I could get babies sick. She would then try making up symptoms to show she's already sick (she's not) so she could be with me. Made me happy and sad at the same time. Patrick made us a delicious king salmon dinner too, so it was a good night. We all decided I have to do something about my hair. I have a regular Afro going on. It's so curly and thick and it just sticks straight up. I have a hair appointment on April 4th. Something must be done to this unruly head of hair! I am grateful I have hair to complain about.
It's 0822 and I still haven't slept. I had a major breakdown and Patrick stayed home with me. I am supposed to be the strong one, the self-sufficient one, the Independent one, yet I cried like a baby as he helplessly stood by not knowing what was going on. What is going on? I am alive, isn't that enough? Not today it isn't. I can't hold my babies, I can't work, I can't clean my house. What good am I? I am lonely. Most people I know work and there's no one to visit. Patrick has a business trip out of state next week and I will be all alone. Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Oh yesterday was an emotional day. I had several good talks with Patrick. My husband is a pillar. He loves me no matter what is going on with me, how I look, how crazy I feel, or how much I cry. Jesus, thank you for this man! He put nourishing meals in front of me, constantly checked on me, and hugged me. My evening ended with a good visit from Casey. God, thank you for putting these people I love in my life. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for your faithfulness. Forgive me when I struggle,