I debated saying anything but my heart just says I need to.
Yesterday while I was  driving, Ollie started to unbuckle her car seat and I yelled for her to stop because if we got in a car crash she would fly out the window. Then she says :
"If I fly out the window would I die?"
Yes you would!
"Then would an angel take me to heaven"
Yes, probably. All sweet babies like you go to heaven.
"Like my uncle Logan? Would he meet me there?"
Yes(mind you I'm already in tears)
"I don't want him to be there without me, can we drive there?!" -she says in tears.
I wish honey, but we can't drive to heaven.

I have been missing Logan so much lately and I think my talking about him with her is bringing his spirit back here to comfort me.
I hope I don't upset your day with this. I'm just missing him, which I know you do too.
I love you. Have a wonderful day!

I loved that she shared this with me. It did not upset me at all; it touched my heart deeply.

Today I went on a six mile hike with Debbie. Dorothy walked part of the time with us. It was awesome!  It was a beautiful and sunny day. The leaves are so beautiful. I love fall.

9/26/16

Yesterday I started getting really nauseous again. I went to take a nap and woke up only to race to the bathroom to throw up. This is getting very old. I was pretty discouraged last night. This morning I feel pretty good and pray that continues.

Yesterday I did go to church and one important line that stuck out was: "Gratitude is the natural response for the person in deep relationship with Jesus." Despite the nausea, despite the set-backs, I am grateful to be here. But what's more important is I do value my relationship with Jesus more than I do my own life. Sure it's fantastic to be here, but Jesus is oh so much more valuable than me. Let me honor him in all I do and never take my eyes off him. When I am discouraged or ill, please help me keep my focus.

Wednesday we leave for Seattle and then we'll be off to California to see those girls!!! Yes!

My friend Rhonda just completed her 13th marathon. She shared with me that she fell just a little over a mile on her run Friday. She fell on both knees and also hurt her arm and shoulder. She was in pain and bleeding, but she didn't stop. She kept going and finished that race without complaint. I told her how much I admire her and she said, " I haven't been through what YOU have." I shared with her that everyone has a story and each person's story is valuable to another person. Rhonda started running because she wanted to lose weight and have a healthier lifestyle. She has succeeded on both counts. She is definitely an inspiration to me. Her favorite verse is Phillipians 4:13, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

 9/28/16

There is nothing like curling up in bed with two dogs, a cat, and a husband. I'm not sure I mean this as a positive statement. I slept maybe two hours last night without interruption. That's stretching it maybe. I have been awake since 0300. It's going to be a long day... This is not how I intended for my first day of our vacation to go! I want to be refreshed and full of energy. I am not. But, I am excited about going to Seattle today with our friends Richard and Gretchen. Tomorrow we get to go to a Mariner's game which is so awesome. This part is a business trip for Patrick. Friday begins the adventure driving to CA to see our baby girls and Kirk. We are ecstatic!

Unfortunately, Mayo put me back on Prednisone yesterday for my increased joint/liagament pain. I am not happy. When Carrie called me I said, "NO! I will not take it!" She paused and then said, "So you want me to tell Dr. Hogan you are refusing?" Well when you put it that way, Carrie! Dang it. I despise that medication.

Last night was a great meeting at United Way. We received some extra grants so were able to give out even more money to non-profits. What a feeling that was. Wow! I love our community. Acts 20:35 "In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak; remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: It is more blessed to give than to receive." Although this wasn't "my" money we gave away, it did feel good to bless charities that lend a helping hand to so many in our community. Giving of our time is a blessing to God too. The other morning I was watching Joyce Meyer and she was teaching about making good use of our time. We don't want to waste a moment of our day. Even for those of us who don't have a job outside of the home, it is important for us to plan our day and use our time wisely.  For those of you without much to do, perhaps you can consider this:

1.  What have I done to make a difference in someone's life today? Perhaps it's picking up the phone to call someone you haven't talked to for awhile. Maybe it's sending a card to someone who recently experienced a loss in their life. Maybe it's buying an extra can of food and donating it to the food bank. There are so many little ways you can bless someone even without leaving your house.

2.  Am I managing my time well? If I am home, am I getting those projects completed? Is my summer gear stored away? Do I need to clean out a closet? Is my house clean? Dinner planned for my spouse? Did I make a grocery list with a meal plan to save money while shopping?

3.  Is there a place I can go to volunteer for a few hours a week? There are so many places you can visit to see if it's the right fit for you. Some people like working with seniors, some like working with children. Some like the behind the scenes or office work. There are so many choices.

For those of you employed full time you are probably thinking, "I don't have time to even clean my house after a full day's work!" That's okay. Set your priorities. God first, family follows, then commitments. Don't waste a moment of precious time with your family. Turn the TV off and talk. Play a game with your children. They will be pushing you away before you know it. Strengthen those bonds!

Hug your kids, kiss your spouse, pet your dog, and give thanks in everything you do.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:  Be joyful always.  Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's willl for you in Christ Jesus.

No matter what your daily schedule looks like, be joyful. You are here for a reason. Embrace life and strive to do better. Take your mistakes and learn from them. Manage your time wisely and grow.

9/30/16

With a lump in my throat, I stare at the beautiful trees and feel overwhelming thanks that I can be ME and journey to CA.  I can put sickness aside and focus on quality time with my husband the next few days. After that there will be quality time with our girls. How excited we are!

We a wonderful time with Rich and Gretchen at the Mariner's game last night. I was just another normal person at a ball game. How glorious! Earlier in the day we got to visit with Rick, Laura, and Brian. All good friends who have been there for us. It's good to have friends who truly care. We also got to see Gary for a bit today which is always a bonus.

 We had an interesting day driving. It didn't go as planned, that's for sure. I had images of the coastal highway in mind for months. We missed the exit for the scenic route so had to drive into Portland. It took forever to get on the right highway and my vision of this trip wasn't exactly what took place. We were both exhausted and frustrated and disappointed.  It turned out okay in the end, but for awhile, I let my disappointment, in the different route, take away from the moment.

My attitude frankly left a lot to be desired. I had it planned out in my head and I didn't get my way. The human selfishness took over. What does it matter if I didn't get the scenic route? The fact is, I was together with my husband and we were on an adventure. We got to Tillamook OR and visited with a high school friend of Patrick's. Bret lives in Colorado, but is here for a funeral. Although that's not a fun reason to come to OR, the timing worked out well for our trip. Bret was always a strong supporter of us when I was sick and it was good to give him a big hug and thank him for caring.

When our eyes fail to stay on Jesus, our attitude of gratitude disappears. Lord, forgive me for my lack of patience and selfish heart. Help me to find the good  in everything and be grateful at all times.

10/1/16

Today's trip was exhausting, yet good. Patrick insists on driving the whole time which is fine with me! We were on the road for about 11 hours today. We started our morning off in the Tillamook Factory. Boy, was that a sight to see! We found Ailynn a purse with a stuffed cow in it for her birthday. We bought some cheese and sausage to eat too. I would have tried the ice cream, but the only kind they had in sugar-free had nuts in it so that was out.

We had lunch with John and Jean Culbertson. John and I worked together at PCC. He's a dear man and I was thrilled to see him again. When I was diagnosed, he and his wife drove from OR to ID to see me. What a man. Shortly after I was diagnosed, Jean suffered brain aneurisms and almost died. It was good to see how well she's doing and to hear her give God the credit for her healing. Even her doctors say it's a miracle.

We stopped in a town named Yachats in Oregon.  Back in 1996, we stayed in a house there with my parents, Mark, Sharmin, Michelle, and our three kids. Logan had his 9th birthday there. We picked Yachats because our friends, Barney and Anita told us about it. It was the last family vacation we had with Logan. We enjoyed it so much. I love that boy and miss him so much. He wanted to watch Forrest Gump. Did he ever love that movie ! Patrick and I reminisced as we stood by the water. Logan swam across a channel. It was no easy feat as it was bigger than it looked from shore. But he did it because he was good at everything he did.

While on the road, I got a phone call from Renee. She is supposed to have her transplant next Thursday. They found a match, but it's not perfect. GVH can be greatly increased with this match. She's checking into last minute options- possible cord blood and different transplant center. Please join me in praying the best option will take place and she feels comfortable with the decision.

I talked with the wife of another former co-worker. He was just diagnosed with cancer. Please join me in praying for this man who is a good man and a believer. My heart is heavy with the burdens I carry for my friends.

Tomorrow we see our baby girls and I am so, so thankful.

10/3/16

We pulled up to the RV Resort late yesterday afternoon. Meghan and the girls were just getting out of their truck. Ollie saw us pull up in her momma's truck and she started laughing hysterically. It was the perfect reaction. So heartwarming and sweet. Ailynn glared at us for a few minutes, but it didn't taker her long to be just as enamored with us again.  I read Raggedy Ann  to Ollie and then she showed me around outside. We have missed our girls. We are so proud of Meghan for supporting her husband while he works out of state. She is alone seven days a week for long hours. That isn't easy to do, especially while living in an RV, away from friends and family. We are also proud of Kirk for being an amazing provider and an attentive man to his wife and children when he comes home.

10/4/16

Today we went to a pumpkin patch. We rode in a hay wagon, went in a corn maze, and a straw maze. What a joyous day! It finally warmed up today. Until then, I have been freezing!

I am hurting for my friends. One has had multiple medical issues and had a heart attack, another's husband has a stem cell transplant this week, another friend had a stem cell transplant next week, another cant find a match, another starts chemo on Wednesday. My heart is heavy!

10/5/16

Today we went to an adventure park in Sacramento. The girls had a great time riding the rides and eating cotton candy. We sure enjoyed being with them. Tomorrow we are driving to Lake Tahoe to see my friend Pam Sweeney. We got a great deal on a hotel through Groupon. It should be a great time. This is another place I have always wanted to go. The girls should have fun in the heated pool.

Simce I have been back on Prednisone, my nausea has stopped and my joints are slightly improved. I don't want to have to run to a pill every time I have aches. I hope this won't be forever.

My phone got knocked into water today and it's in a bag of rice for 24 hours. I hope and pray it's not ruined.  It feels weird to not be in contact with people. I am using Meghan's phone to blog., 

10/6/16

My phone isn't ruined, but it is damaged. Hopefully it can be fixed. We had a marvelous day in Lake Tahoe today. We swam with the girls and sat in a hot tub. We walked around and had a great dinner. I have gotten a lot of exercise the past few days and I am thankful for that. There were a few days when I hardly walked due to driving from WA to CA. I must rebuild my lungs and strength. I am looking forward to seeing Pam tomorrow.

10/8/16

Lake Tahoe was a lot of fun. None of us had ever been there before and we were amazed at the beauty. The hotel was nice and it was amazing that I had the courage to get into a bathing suit again. After transplant I had lost so much weight that my skin looked like an elephant. I never thought I would look halfway decent again, certainly not brace enough for a bathing suit!.

Unfortunately, I started getting a sore throat and body aches. Due to Patrick's restless leg syndrome, I got no sleep.  Before the end of the day, I started running a fever.  We made the best of it and I still enjoyed my family time and also our visit with Pam and Ron.

We watched the girls today while Meghan took some much needed time to herself. I wish they weren't living so far away from us so we could do that more often.

10/9/16

It is 0300 and I have been awake for a couple of hours. Patrick is snoring badly tonight on top of his restless leg syndrome. If I were at home I would have an extra bedroom to escape to. I am going to be thoroughly exhausted again tomorrow. I get so frustrated because I am already tired all the time and I must have sleep just to keep up on a normal day. I am trying to be a fun Grammie and play with the girls. I am frustrated because I can't even get down on the floor to play unless someone helps me get back up. I don't have the stamina to keep up with the girls. I can't even carry Ailynn for very long and she's only 11 months! I hate that treatment aged my body by 30 years. Ollie doesn't even want me doing some things with her and I assume it's because she knows I am not strong enough to follow through. It breaks my heart. But then she does show compassion and concern and "helps me" get up, walk across the street, etc.I feel my grandchildren have been cheated. I watch Patrick with them and am envious he has the energy to stay one step ahead of them. I am thankful he does, I just want that stamina too! The other day I watched him take a flying leap and run up a tree. I told him I can only do that in my mind and wish my physical body could accomplish so much more. I can't even do simple gross motor skill maneuvers. I am like a 80 year old.

Since I am awake and sleep seems impossible tonight, my mind is thinking about our upcoming presidential election. Frankly I am astonished and embarrassed at the lack of adequate choices America has to vote for our commander in chief. America is supposed to be the best country in the nation- the land of the free, a prosperous nation, land of opportunities, a country where dreams can come true. But look at us; we have a health care crisis, a huge drug problem, we lack morals, God has been taken out of our schools, work, and families. America sure boasts of freedom- so much that we are free to have satanic prayers before coty meetings. God is lost. People are lost. Police officers are being killed rapidly. There have been almost 300 officers killed this year alone in America. Our country has lost respect for authority, for God, and each other. 

Our choices for president is simply embarrassing. In this great country can we not find candidates who support the foundations our founding farhers laid out for us? Freedom to bear arms, freedom to worship, and a leader who is honorable? I feel America is doomed. I believe we are nearing the end times. I foresee nations rising up against nations, Americans fighting each other, even more than we already do, a continued lack of respect for others, and more fallingg away from Christ.

All I can say is we need to be praying for our nation and for each other. Let's not be selfish people, let's lift each other up in prayer.

10/10/16

On the eve of my second anniversary of being diagnosed with leukemia, I am brought back to that unbelievable moment hearing the words, " We believe you have leukemia".  It was the second time we heard those words in our immediate family. But I also remember how strong my belief that God would heal me was. I never wavered from my faith. This morning I stopped on my four mile walk to take a moment to write that God gets all the glory.  I have been walking four miles almost everyday while in CA and there are huge hills on this walk. God gets the glory. Thank you almighty Lord. I will overcome by the blood of the lamb. You are worthy of all our praise, Jesus.

10/11/16

Happy birthday Grandpa Marvin. I know you are happy in Heaven with your four boys.

Happy 2nd anniversary of diagnosis to me. I am alive! I wonder daily why God spared me and not my son. I know there is a reason and I am still trying to comprehend it fully. I know part of the reason is to spread the news of his great work in me. Perhaps that is the whole reason! I am not worthy of such a gift. I have made so many mistakes in my life. But God values me as much as he values anyone, which amazes me. I feel unworthy, but he sees me as worthy. My mission in this life  is to share his love for me and for you. A life' without God is dismal and bleak. There is no hope except for Jesus. Even though our country is in such poor shape, we must look to him to guide us along. I saw a post that a woman was just killed in the Valley, apparently by a 14 year old child. Somebody might cry out, " where were you, Lord?" He would answer, " I was here with you all along, but you would not seek my face". Let us not make any decision without asking God first. Listen to his response. Your ways are not his ways. Listen and follow his direction, never taking your eyes off the goal.

Today we leave our girls behind and travel back to Alaska. My heart is in pain. These girls are so precious. We are so proud of Kirk for being such a good provider. He works too hard- 7 days a week and at least ten hours per day. We are so proud of Meghan for taking such good care of her husband and children. We love our granddaughters so much. God be with them.

10/14/16

Leaving our girls, Kirk, and their dog, Kahlua, was very difficult. We cried many tears, but tried to be brave. I miss the way things were; Meghan would drop off Ollie (and sometimes Ailynn) and we would get to babysit. I would make cookies with Olivienne and we would play "kitchen". We would hug and play with Ailynn. Or those times when Meghan would come over and visit too. I want those days back! The only advice I can give anyone is to love every moment you have and don't wish it away. Enjoy each second for you can never get that time back.  Don't complain (even inwardly) at things because complaining takes away your appreciation and your spiritual growth.  Until they are back in this state with us, I will enjoy our FaceTime moments.  Ollie called me the day after we got home and demanded a Raggedy Ann story. I was asleep, but like a dutiful Grammie, I willingly got out of bed and started reading.  We finished another book while we were there. I love these stories!

Since I have been home, I have been busy catching up; grocery shopping, paying bills, cleaning, etc. I have helped Kelsey pack up her kitchen.  They bought a house and will be moving out so I have assisted her in packing. She works so much between the hospital and coaching volleyball that she just doesn't have time to do any packing. Casey is working full time too and is busy with the security team at church.  Yesterday I visited Granny. I tried the day before, but she was not home. She is going blind from macular degeneration and it breaks my heart watching her struggle to see.  I helped her by writing some checks out for her and addressing envelopes. She still strives for independence; she lives alone and wants to do many things for herself. I am thankful she has a lady come to do cleaning and laundry for her once a week.  

This morning my friend Faith called and asked if I would be willing to speak with her son, Bradley about a community service project he is doing in his school. She said, "I didn't realize how much of an impact you have had on my son He wants to focus his community project on helping people who have leukemia.  He wants to start with snow removal to raise money to help people." Faith and I brainstormed. I offered to come speak to his class when I get to MN on the 31st. I have an appointment with Mayo later that day and several appointments on the 1st. But I am very excited at the thought of speaking to 7th graders on how they can help people with leukemia. I have lots and lots of ideas that I would love to share with his class.

That gave me many ideas of course! I wonder if I could speak to any local schools here in Alaska about helping those with cancer.  I have so many friends I am concerned about.

Linn, Renee, Jeremiah, and Donna all need bone marrow transplants soon. John is being treated for esophagus canceer. Ingrid has Ewings Sarcoma. The list goes on and on.....

I know three people with heart issues. Alysha and Kelly just had heart surgery. Tim is having open heart surgery next week. Please pray for all the ones I have mentioned.

I did get some good news yesterday about someone I have been praying for who has addiction problems. He is doing well; he's now working, involved in church, attending sobriety meetings, and is going to counseling. Please join me in praying this continues and he remains drug free, renews his relationship with Christ, and restores his marriage. There are so many addicts I pray for on a regular basis. Please join me in praying for all who struggle with addiction.

10/16/16

Today is Meghan's 25th birthday. Our youngest child is a quarter of a century old.... No, I still refuse to consider myself almost a half of a century. I am still young at heart even if my body says differently. We celebrate Meghan today from afar. We are thankful we got to have an early birthday party for her and Ailynn last week. Meghan is an amazing young woman. We love watching her with her husband and her daughters. She is a loving wife and mother and it warms our heart so much. My desire is that my children and husband know how much I love them. I desire my parents, Granny, and other family members and friends to also know how much I care about each and everyone of them.  I just can't express to anyone how much I care for them.

We spent a wonderful weekend at the cabin getting it ready for winter. Last night we went over to Rich and Gretchen's house and visited and watched a movie. We didn't leave till almost 0230. I was the only one who didn't nod off during the movie. Now that's something that doesn't normally happen! I was pretty proud of myself for my stamina.  I took the dogs on a few walks and they had a blast. Unfortunately the winds are ferocious here in the Mat-Su, so I doubt there will be any outside walking for a few days. Time to use the treadmill again. I also bought an exercise video and must break it out and try it. Time to get into shape!!! I fully intend to be healthy and strong enough to return to work in the next few months.

10/17/16

The winds howled ferociously all night and sleep escaped me. I slept fitfully between 9:30 and 0230 waking up from the scary sounds.  Chester decided to come cuddle next to me, perhaps the wind bothered him too. The 80 # dog snored on one side of me, Ringo was at my feet, and Patrick snored on the other side of me.  Patrick also kneed me in the back again.  Finally after lying there for an hour and a half, I got up at 0400. There is nothing like walking on the treadmill at 0400 to make you feel you have already started your day off in a positive manner. I am trying hard to be positive and happy about being up for the past four hours and it's only 0630......

While listening to my praise music as I walked on the treadmill, I felt such a peace and love for our almighty God. Everytime I listen to my music,  I am reminded at how close I felt to God when I was fighting for my life. I have never been so close to him as I was then. I remember walking the halls and just imagining myself worshipping at the very feet of Jesus. What a vision that is! When I sing the words to these songs, I am in a different place. I am not on my treadmill, I am not in my house, I am with Jesus. You know the saying, "You are what you eat?" I totally believe the same thing is true, "You are what you listen to." For those of you who listen to hateful lyrics that promote sex, drugs,and rock-n-roll, that's where your heart is. If you listen to lyrics that promote love, worship, contentment, honesty, and Christ-like attitudes, that will make your heart pure and happy.  A relationship with Christ is so much more than just going to church. As Joyce Meyer said, " Do life with God." God is interested in everything we do. He is the best friend we can have.  If you are feeling lonely, know that God is with you. If you are scared, know that God is with you.  Repetition keeps us strong in Christ. Memorize those scriptures, but don't just say them, internalize them. Know the meaning of the words and make it personal for you.  

As I attempted to sleep through the sound of the winds, my mind kept imagining that the worst was going to happen; my house would be destroyed.  I thought about the recent devestation of Hurricane Matthew and how scared so many people had to have been. People's houses were literally torn apart, people died, diseases are running rampant through Haiti and the country has been devestated. People were scared. They were frightened with what was happening and they are still afraid of what is to come. Where does their future lie? What's in store for them?  In Haiti they are burying people in large holes- they are literally dumping their bodies all together. How sad is that! 

In Matthew chapter 8, there was a furious storm that the disciples of Jesus were in out in the middle of the water. They were very afraid, but Jesus was sleeping through it.  The disciples woke him up begging the Lord to save them from drowing.  Jesus said, "You of little faith, why are you afraid?" Jesus rebuked the winds and the waves were calm.  Sometimes Jesus takes us out of the storm right away, and sometimes he let's us go through the storm. The best thing is, he goes through the storms with us.  He doesn't leave us no matter how difficult things are. We have to trust him and know that he will always be with us.

This resonates with my soul this morning as I think of all the people I care about who are going through some really rough things.  I think of Tim- he's the father of David, a young man we loved at Ronald McDonald House. David passed away before Logan did and his parents are very good people. Today Tim is having a triple by-pass. I know he and Diane are afraid because heart surgery is scary! I think of Kelly and Alysha who both had recent heart surgery and are in the healing stage. I think of another friend who recently had a heart attack at the age of 47! I think about the ones getting ready for bone marrow transplants: Renee, Linn, Jeremiah, and Donna. I know they are afraid of what is to come. I think about my friends John and Ingrid who are both battling vicious cancers that have no mercy upon the afflicted. I know there is fear there.  But God is with them.  But we can't just pray for those we know who are hurting. We have to do something to help.  I encourage you to send a card, pick up the phone and call someone, make a donation to help with expenses, or send a care package. Let us be helpers and cheerful givers.

Lord, I ask that you show me the best way to help others. I want to be a good and supportive friend to the hurting. Use me however you see fit. Open the doors that you want opened and close the doors you want closed. Your ways are not my ways and I may not always understand the plan you have for me. Help me to be receptive to wherever you lead me. Help my body to continue to heal and recover. Help those who have addictions to be healed. Please restore their brains to your perfect creation.  Please heal every single part of their brains so that they work as you would have perfectly designed them to be. Help them make good choices and to draw close to you. I pray for the ones who have medical issues and pray for relief from nausea and pain and comfort for each of them. I pray that no one will feel lonely. I ask you to  send a mighty army to surround each person so they feel loved and supported. I ask you to bless the nation of Haiti and the states of Florids, South Carolina, and North Carolina. Please send relief to all those affected by the hurricane. I ask protection upon all our officers and soldiers and comfort to the families of the fallen. We trust you, Lord.

10/18/16

It has been another busy day. Last night was better, but I still didn't sleep great. This time Ringo wanted to go out in the middle of the night which is unusual. I tossed and I turned and finally went back to sleep till 0500. Of course I did not get up and do the treadmill this morning. No, I was lazy. I spent my morning getting errands done. We will be renting out the apartment above our garage, so a lot of repairs and cleaning has to be done on it before Jim moves in. I am happy that someone I used to work with will be living there. Jim was a great asset to me while I was sick. He worked hard at getting me leave donations and helped facilitate the continuation of my medical insurance while I was out sick. He was simply an amazing support and I am so thankful to him.

I got to visit with my mom today which was nice. We rarely see each other anymore so I did enjoy that. I timed it perfectly with lunch.... I'm smart that way.  I hope to see Granny Thursday or Friday. Tomorrow I will be visiting with my friend John while he has a treatment done. I will also visit with Ingrid in the afternoon and see how she is doing. Tomorrow will be my visiting day with minimal cleaning and responsibilities.

My friend Tim came out of his heart surgery okay. His wife, Diane, said he's in a great deal of pain, but that was to be expected.  I'm thankful that doctors have the education and knowledge to perform so many procedures. God gave us our minds, but it's up to us to use them. And, may I add,  to use them wisely!

I continue to look for state jobs that are listed, but haven't found anything in the Valley yet. I sure hope Dr. Hogan will allow me to return to work. I feel like I have so much to offer. I feel like I'm just floating around here; not really making a difference anywhere.

10/19/16

Last night I got lazy (was actually cleaning the apartment) and didn't make a homemade dinner. I had one of those frozen Bertoloni dinners in the freezer so I whipped that up. I ate one of those a few weeks ago and vomited profusely. I looked at the ingredients and didn't see any nuts so thought I would try again. Like clock work two hours later, I was engaged in an extreme case of vomiting. Then my blood sugar dropped to 44. I had to eat toast with jelly with a nauseous stomach. I knew if I didn't keep the toast in I was going to the emergency room for fluids and glucose. Thank goodness I was able to keep it down. I even slept last night and woke up fine. I just did 2 miles on the treadmill too while watching Joyce Meyer. God is good!

I heard good news yesterday about Jeremiah, the husband of a PO I know. The doctors in Seattle sent him home and told him he does not need a stem cell transplant! Praise God for that! I am so happy for he and his family.  I thought about the bible verses Joyce shared this morning: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:  For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the fututre, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)  What I take from that is NOTHING can separate us from God. Not a stem cell transplant, a heart attack, a diagnosis, a loss of a child, NOTHING will separate us. Now we can CHOOSE separation. We can blame God for all our adversities and calamities. We can shout, "IF THERE IS A GOD WHY DIDN'T HE SAVE MY LOVED ONE?" We have a choice. We can accept the will of God and continue to praise him- going for that goal of Heaven, or we can deny him and face eternal death.    
"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him for the help of his presence." (Psalm 42:5)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinithians 5:7) I don't know what the outcomes will be for all my friends who are hurting. I don't know how to counsel the bereaved or the broken. But I am going to work harder on being there for people. I believe Jesus puts the right people in my life. It's up to me to obey God and follow through with reaching out to people. I don't want to be one of those people who say, "Oh I will pray for you" and not do so. I love my prayer time and try to remember each person I promised to pray for several times a day.

Today I am thankful for what I have and for the healing that has taken place in my life. I am thankful that our son Logan is safely playing in Heaven. I didn't want him to go, but he is safe. As we are approaching the 18th anniversary of his death, I have many emotions stirring inside of me. Thankfulness truly is one of them. My baby is safe.

10/20/16

Yesterday I had the honor of visiting two friends who are undergoing cancer treatment. I first sat with John while he was getting his chemo. John was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus a few weeks ago. He looked good, but I could tell he had lost weight. He is having trouble eating which is never a good thing when you are going through treatment. He was in good spirits and his attitude towards his diagnosis and prognosis was inspiring. He was positive and remained confident in our God's ability to see him through whatever is to come. I love listening to Christians as they speak of their devotion to God no matter the circumstances.

I also visited with Ingrid at her house. Ingrid was told she will not survive her cancer despite the treatment. Yet of course she holds out hope that she will be the miracle the doctors don't expect. We both know that God is the God of miracles. Ingrid is also cemented in her faith and is at peace for God's will for her life. She spoke frankly of her hopes and dreams for her family and spoke of her upcoming potential death matter of factly. She is the epitome of a righteous woman and we can all learn from Ingrid.

Being with two dear friends in one day inspired me to continue walking my own walk of faith, to celebrate life and to appreciate the little things in life. For we walk by faith,not by sight. (2 Corinithians 5:7) Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.  Give thanks the the God of gods, for his steadfast love endures forever.  Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1-3)

Cast all your anxiety on God for he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

I got the news last night that Sean, the nephew of my friends, passed away from cancer. He was only diagnosed a couple weeks ago and he has already lost his battle. Or has he? He was a Christian so I believe he did win the ultimate battle. Still, my heart hurts for his family for they are left behind with only the memories of someone so important to them.

10/21/16

What a glorious day outside! I woke up to a blanket of snow on the deck and the snow was still softly falling down. My first reaction was horror;  despite the lateness of the season, I was not ready! But once I really looked at the beautiful sight, I was so enthralled I took Ringo for a walk at 0700! It was still dusky, but the snow glistened and we were able to see. Ringo frolicked happily and I flashbacked to childhood memories of romping in the snow. It's simply beautiful and I am happy. Of course I haven't driven in it yet! 

Yesterday Mom brought Granny and I chicken dinners from KFC and we ate lunch together. We visited for a few hours and really had a good time. Granny's eye sight is badly failing. I helped her fill out her Presidential election ballot. I woud read each section to her and she would tell me how to vote.  I worry about the loss of independence. Right now she's still managing by herself, but I fear things will change. I know I have struggled over the past two years over my independence so I can only imagine how scary it must be for her. I am getting better and am much more able to do things on my own now. She won't have an opportunity to gain more independence; she will lose more each year.  She is soon to be 89 years old and overall is in great health. Patrick's Aunt Maxine has macular degeneration too and is completely blind. She did okay with her blindness, but then she got Alzheimer's on top of it so that has really been a challenge for her. She's a tough bird though! Both of us have strong women in our families.

Yesterday we discussed how we value material items.  Mom said that due to all the losses she has experienced, material things don't matter to her at all. While I certainly understand that, I am still drawn to the items that hold sentimental value for me. I don't care about having the newest and best of anything, but the things I remember from my childhood; things that my dear loved ones owned, mean so much to me.  I know that God tells us not to place value on earthly things, but to store our treasures up in Heaven.  Things WILL pass away, but eternal life is forever. I get that and I am happy about that. But in the meantime, whenever I see that purple lamp of Granny's I am filled with joy, for it bring me a precious memory from my childhood. It sat in the front room of her house and I often touched it and simply gazed at the beauty of it. She also had a picture of Jesus- it's kind of a 3-D type of picture and has a light in it. It's hanging here in my office and brings me peace.  Jesus is kneeling and a ray of sunshine is beaming down on him. A conversation is taking place between he and his father.

Today I learned that the step-mother of a friend passed away from cancer.  Last night I read about a young boy who is 12 years old and has a reoccurence of Lymphoma. His older brother passed away several years ago of leukemia. Why? Why does cancer strike the young? Why do children die? My heart hurts. Not just for the young, but for all who are grieving the loss of someone dear to them. Cancer just sucks.

 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. (Psalm 62:5-8)

10/23/16

Exhaustion has set in again. Am I just lazy and not pushing myself enough? I'm just not sure.  Friday night I fell asleep at 7:30 and slept till 10:30. I went to bed and laid there and laid there....Finally I got up and went up to the apartment and packed some more boxes for Casey and Kelsey and got their stuff out of the crawl space. I was up there until almost 0230. I finally slept from 0330-0700.  I didn't exercise at all yesterday. I boxed up a few more things and did some cleaning up there and then went to a birthday party for Meghan's 2 year old nephew. For me to go to a child's birthday party and be surrounded by people; particularly children, is a big step for me. Hopefully I won't get sick again.  Last night I did sleep fairly well and managed 1.1 miles on the treadmill and about 15 minutes of cardio exercise. Not much. I just kept using the excuse of, "I'm tired and my stomach hurts." I really need to suck it up and do more than that!

Ingrid thinks the tumors are growing. She's in a lot of pain and it breaks my heart. She wants so badly to live. She has a grandchild on the way and her youngest child is just in 8th grade. She wants to see him graduate. I pray that she will make these goals.  I did hear from my friend Tammy who was diagnosed with a very serious cancer just before my diagnosis. I was please to hear she only has to get checks every six months because she is doing so well.  My friend Rhonda told me about her friend, Danny, who was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus like my friend John. She also told me about a girl who is fighting cancer for the 8th time. There are so many to pray for. Sometimes I am just so weary it's hard to find the words.  I believe God put me in this position to be a prayer warrior for all these people, but it's so hard. I look forward to church today; hoping for a complete refresher.

10/24/16

Eighteen years ago today, we said goodbye to our eleven year old, firstborn son, Logan. Logan was an amazing child; so full of life and happiness. He was a champion and tried to slay the dragon that took over his body.  Logan saw the door to Heaven open as he sat in his chair those final hours. He tried to get up and said he wanted to go through the door behind Miss Dorothy. He was eager to explore it. He knew that God himself was waiting for him. As difficult as it is to be without our son, I am comforted in knowing he did get through that doorway and he is rejoicing in Heaven. Today we honor you, Logan. We honor you for the pure goodness that flowed through your body. You were an amazing fisherman, a gifted athlete, a kind boy filled with compassion, a good looking boy, and an overall amazing child!  Today is a day set aside for you, our hero and champion. This mama misses you, baby boy.

Shortly after I wrote this, I got the news that, the 26 year old son of good friends of ours, died in a car crash. We grieve with his parents, his GF, siblings, and children. We know the pain of losing a child.  

When I shared that with another friend whose son is seriously ill and in the hospital, she said we all must lean on faith.  It got me thinking about faith.  Faith is a mixture of so many things.  

Faith is trust

Faith keeps us strong and hopeful of better days will come where the joy outweighs the pain

Faith is believing that God holds us in his arms, even when we ache

Faith is knowing that God is there, no matter how lonely or empty we feel

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)

Thanksfulness: How does one have thankfulness in times of strife, grief, loss of hope, sickness, and tribulation?

"You have turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12)

These words mean that despite our grief and our mourning, God can turn all circumstances to joy.  This doesn't mean I am joyful that Logan died, or that my friends will be joyful their son was killed in a car wreck.  What it means is God will comfort us and bring us good times despite the losses we have had.  Hope and joy come in the morning, not mourning.  I can't imagine going through this grief process without my faith in Jesus.  I am thankful.

10/27/16

Oh my goodness I am tired.  I have been earnestly working on cleaning and getting the apartment above our garage ready to rent.  Tuesday night I was out there till after midnight. I am surviving on just a few hours of sleep each night. I have no energy, but I force myself to keep going. Last night I had an early night; probably went to sleep about 10 p.m. I woke up before midnight with a blood sugar of 46.  I was a mess. It was all I could do to get out of bed and yell for Patrick to help me. He fixed me right up with a good snack.  Every time that happens to me in my sleep, I am so amazed that God designed our bodies so that we awaken when we have problems such as this. I could have easily slipped into a coma, but God woke me up. I never cease to be amazed when that happens. I was even dreaming that someone was trying to kill me.  This time it wasn't Leuk, it was hypglycemia!  I think I just worked too much yesterday and burned up all the sugar in my bloodstream.

This morning I woke up at 0440 (which is sleeping in anymore) and I have already done 3.1 miles on the treadmill. I have lots more cleaning to do in the apartment as well as in my own neglected house.  I am praying the paint touch up job looks okay this morning because I do not want to paint anymore. It's one of my least favorite things to do. God bless the professional painters!

I volunteered at the new Thrifters Rock in Wasilla on Tuesday. I was there for three hours and my job was to clean the donated toys. I was so tired that I had to come home and take a two hour nap. I know, that's ridiculous! I also dropped off a volunteer application at Wasilla Public Library. Until I can go back to work full time, I must do something with my time to help other people. I haven't been able to attend the opioid meetings lately due to my travel conflictions. I leave this Sunday for my Mayo check-up and I haven't even started packing. I am just getting so lazy. I need some motivation.

10/28/16

I am packed for my Mayo trip and I am packed for the cabin. I hadn't planned to go to the cabin, but the funeral for our friends's son is tomorrow and we are going to attend.  It will be very hard on Patrick and I to be present at a service and witnessing the raw pain of parents who lost their oldest son. It obviously brings back so many hurtful and painful memories. But we will be there for our friends and we will not leave them to grieve alone. Thankfully they have a very large and loving family who will constantly surround them with love and support.

I am dealing with unpaid medical bills from my March hospital stay. I called the insurance company and was informed they were waiting for doctor's notes before they could process the claim. I called the medical provider and they said the insurance company told them they were waiting for me to provide information. I am so fed up with medical providers! I have nine appointments scheduled so far at Mayo. I will be using Patrick's insurance and am quite concerned about that issue too.

This morning I took a dear friend out to breakfast before her divorce hearing. My heart goes out to her as I know she is struggling with the decision to go forward with the divorce. Of course she is worried about her fianancial future as well as her personal happiness.  An ending marriage is the death of hopes and dreams and never easy.

10/29/16

How do you comfort parents who have had a child die? What words of wisdom do I offer? That time heals all wounds? That's a lie. Do I tell the truth and say, " the pain never leaves and grief can still overwhelm you?"

 I went with a hug and a heartfelt statement that we will be here for them when they need to talk. I told them we paved the road for them and will help them through. The desperate grief in their eyes was a mirrored reflection of my own. 

I felt the pastor had a good message. He said many are likely wondering why God took someone young and full of promise. He went on to share the story of Adam and Eve and how they let sin in the world when they are of the forbidden tree. Before that happened, they lived in a perfect place free from sin. Because of their choice to sin, our time on earth is limited. Sometimes our actions cause our early death and sometimes circumstances beyond our control cause us to die early.  But the most important thing to remember is Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one can get to the Father, but through him. I don't want to see another soul lost.

Our good friend, Anita Cork, recently wrote a book called "In His Hands". I am reading it aloud to Granny since she is losing her sight. The first chapter was about Adam and Eve's fall from grace. Anita does a great job taking bible stories and putting them in today's lifestyles so that we may connect with them on a personal level. I can't wait to go home and read another chapter to her.

I leave tomorrow- flying out of Kenai at 11:25 to make my connecting flight in Anchorage. I am a little nervous, but confident and hopeful too. I haven't had a blood test in over three weeks which is a very long time for me! I am sure all is good. I am overly tired, but still feel well. 

10/31/16

My trip was very long- about 12 hours of traveling. I was delighted to see Alaska Air upgraded me to First Class! Since I travel so much, I am an MVP and sometimes get free upgrades. The seats are more comfortable, but the food was terrible! Honestly, coach has better food. On the leg from Anchorage to Seattle, my seat mate was sick and actively coughing.  Even with the mask on, I felt very nervous about catching his illness.

I got to the hotel in Minneapolis about 0100. I slept for four hours, then was back at the airport securing my car rental. I drove an hour and a half to get to Mayo. I was an hour and a half early for my first appointment- the eye doctor. Amazingly, they got me in early. Now I am waiting for one more vision test today and then there will be another one tomorrow. My doctor is considering putting me on a medication that can cause damage to the macular area. Obviously with Granny recently diagnosed with macular degeneration and Patrick's aunt being blind from that, I am more than a little nervous about being on this medication. I will discuss this with the rheumatologist and Dr. Hogan tomorrow. The reason they want to put me on it, is to help with the joint pain.