4/5/19

I have been so busy this week that I haven't thought about writing anything but school papers.  I had to laugh recently because I asked two graduates to proof one of my papers. Both cringed and said, "I'm having PTSD symptoms right now!"  I have had a couple of people tell me they had no interest in reading any books for a couple of years after graduating with their master degrees. I cannot imagine not wanting to read a normal mindless book....I long to read some detective mystery novel where the female agent saves the day once again. That's my favorite kind of book.  I love those types of movies too and imagine myself being able to fight men twice my size single-handily and winning.  Such a dreamer I am.

Last night we kept Ailynn and Boe while Meghan and Kirk went on a date.  Ollie went to the Little Mermaid play with her grandma Jane.  We enjoyed the two littles.  Ailynn said, "Have a good date with your husband, Mom!"  When they returned to pick them up, she asked, "How was your date" in that cute little three-year-old adorable voice.  I'm so thankful they live up here again, and we get to see them often.

Today I went to the Alaska Native Heritage Center with Set Free Alaska- where I am doing my practicum placement.  We had a fantastic time as a large group. We were all treated to lunch at Olive Garden beforehand.  Set Free is an incredible God fearing and loving agency and I have had the most wonderful practicum I could ever have there.  I have learned how to communicate with women who have drug and alcohol conditions by showing them love and acceptance while providing psychoeducational training.  I am happy to learn that there are plans to open a men's treatment center in Homer later this year.  While I am sad that there is a need for more treatment centers, I am delighted that faith-based options are available to men and women who need the treatment.

I am happy to be alive, and I am thankful that I have this life to live.

4/8/19

Last night was a fundraiser for a five-year-old child who has a rare disease that only a bone marrow transplant can cure. He has a cord blood match from Sweden. It was amazing to see the community come out in droves to support this little guy. While there, I got to meet a young man who will also be having a transplant- he has aplastic anemia. There is no shortage of people having transplants.

I had x-rays of my left shoulder today. I’ve been in a lot of pain and don't have a full range of motion. I was thrilled to hear it’s not a rotator cuff issue. I have bicipital tendinitis and an impingement. We will work on that during occupational therapy. The doctor would like to use cortisone injections, but adrenal insufficiency and high blood sugars don’t sound right to me. I see my endocrinologist next week and will ask him what he thinks. 

My conjunctivitis is back, and my cough is worse. I’m losing my voice as well. I’m not sure what is going on, but I don’t like it. Hopefully, I get better very soon. I’m about fed up with going to the doctor all the time. Thank you, God, for another day.

4/13/19

We got to our happy place on Thursday evening, our sweet and beautiful cabin that flooded my mind with comforting memories while I was in the hospital.  The place I longed to be at and was unsure if I would ever see again.  I am thankful that God has brought me back to this little piece of Heaven on earth.  Our cabin is nothing fancy, but we built it (mostly Patrick did, but I-and others-helped) and it is ours.  It's funny to think how much a little dream can mean when the dream is realized and comes true.  We have always loved the Kenai Peninsula, and we spent many weekends down here in the summer when our kids were small.  We had an old 5th wheel that we bought for $1500 and we parked it at a campground in Anchor Point.  The same people were there each weekend- people that Patrick knew through his work.  We treasure those memories.  Logan didn't get to camp with us in Anchor Point as we began that after his death. But Logan spent so much time in Homer with his grandparents on the boat they later named, "The Logan J."  My parents spent time with their good friends Barney and Anita, and they watched Logan have the most ultimate experience each weekend with his grandparents.  Logan was like his dad is- he loves to fish. He lived and breathed fishing, and he was quite good at it.  It was a delightful and robust passion for him. My heart always hurts a bit when I remember him in his waders and think about the last fish he caught. Thankfully, that fish is mounted and hanging on our wall at home.  We miss you, buddy.

Last night I was part of a group of nine authors who were invited to share a bit about our books and why we decided to write, at the Ninilchik Community Center.  There were approximately 30 people in attendance with several of them being teens.  The group that hosted us were very warm and welcoming.  I was able to share a bit of my story without choking up too much.  Public speaking is not my favorite thing to do, but I must do more of it so I can share Logan's story and the story of how God has seen me through the worst of life and has comforted me throughout the process. I want people to know that there is hope for a brighter future, and peace and pain can coexist.  I can still feel pain while feeling peaceful because I know Logan is safe and happy in Heaven even while I miss him terribly here on earth.

My cough has not improved so much, and my eye is still gross matted.  I continue to feel like a walking disaster as I don't walk so well because of my hip issues.  I still have hope that someday I can be semi-normal. I think I can.... I think I can......Patrick's foot is slowly healing, but he is still unable to walk on it.  We are quite a pair. I told Meghan she's getting a glimpse into what it's like to have elderly parents!  She wants us to bring all three girls to the cabin for a weekend, and I cautioned her it might be best after Papa can chase them around as Grammie certainly can't do much chasing. I want to pursue those baby girls!

4/15/19

We arrived back home yesterday- a day early due to a family crisis of sorts. Things are okay at the moment, and we are thankful. I was able to get more school work done here at home on my PC which was good. I was up till about 0100 this morning.  It's after 11 PM now, and I just finished a paper. I shouldn't say, "finished" as I still need to have it peer reviewed. I also like to print documents out as I tend to catch more errors reading it out loud while it's in my hands. I'm not sure why that is.  Tomorrow morning I have an online meeting with two classmates to discuss another paper- a group case study paper.  I have the job of combining all the writing and doing the final editing.  Then I have two more essays to write, and I am done. Well, I still have a couple of final tests and maybe even a couple more quizzes. THEN I am done for the semester- hallelujah! On the last day of class, I fly to Minnesota for my Mayo check-up. I plan to spend those three nights reading books for enjoyment and not to learn anything!

The girls stopped over today with their mother. I promised them all that I will dedicate my three weeks off of school to them. I will play games and take them to the cabin with us- even the baby. Meghan reminded me that she wants to wean Boe, so she wants us to take her for the weekend. I hope Patrick's foot is better as he's better at running after them. They went to visit my parents before they came to see me. It was the first time since December they had seen the girls. I'm sure everyone was happy to be together. Meg planned to see Granny after she left here. I'm glad our family lives so close to one another.

I have two doctor appointments tomorrow which I am squeezing in between writing papers.  Wednesday I will be driving into Anchorage to participate in a reentry simulation for prisoners. It will be a good prep before my practicum with the prisoner reentry program this fall. I really like social work!

4/19/19

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!  I turned in two papers in the last two days and will be turning another one in tonight.  I'm still waiting for my group members to give me some info so I can finish up our group paper. After that, I have one more to write and two tests to take, and I'm done for the semester! I'm so excited to have three weeks off. I took some time off today and visited with Granny, then my parents, then my brother & his family.  

I was a guest speaker today in a leadership class at an alternative high school. I shared about Logan and me and encouraged the students who were 18 to consider joining the National Bone Marrow registry.  They were very receptive, and I enjoyed my time with them today.

The reentry simulation was excellent. I "went to jail" four weeks in a row. It is super tricky to be a felon and releasing on probation.  The scenarios were real, and it truly impacted me and helped me understand what reentrants go through.

I've been staying up very, very late each night writing papers. Last night I had a difficult time sleeping- my mind was racing. Then, about 0100, I realized my blood sugar was low. It was 43!  I managed to get myself a snack, watched some TV, and finally fell asleep about 0230, only to get up at 0600.  I've been having a lot of anxiety at night and can't shut my mind off. Other than that, life is good!

4/22/19

Easter Sunday was amazing!  Mom, Patrick, and I went to Summit church so we could visit with Casey.  Casey was baptized!  He had been baptized before but felt it essential to rededicate his life to Jesus. God is doing amazing things in his life, and Casey is finally listening.  This mother's heart is happy.

Saturday night, we kept all three girls.  They arrived before 4 PM, and we had them until 10 AM Sunday.  The big girls helped me make brownies and a breakfast casserole, with Boe supervising our work.  We then decorated Easter eggs.  Patrick and I sat outside with them while they rode their bikes around on the deck and I bathed them.  Ollie and Patrick got Boe to sleep around 9 PM. At 0300, I could hear Boe crying, "mommy! Mommy!". She and Patrick were in the downstairs bedroom.  The cat had jumped on her during the night and woke her up, and she was inconsolable.  I rocked her for an hour and finally was able to get her to sleep. I put her in bed with Ollie and me, and I dozed for the next two hours.  She was happy when she got up.  Ailynn had bad dreams and kept crying out for her mom in her sleep. Ollie moans a lot in her sleep. Needless to say, I did not have a good night's rest.

We enjoyed our time at Granny's yesterday.  We were thankful the snow had melted so the girls could find Easter eggs in the yard.  Boe wasn't interested- she only wanted to swing. Meghan was so disappointed as she was looking forward to Boe's first Easter egg hunt.  After Holly, Mom, and I cleaned up the kitchen, Patrick and I headed home. I immediately went to bed and didn't get up till 7:30 PM. Of course, I was then up till 0100 today.  I still feel like I have been run over by a semi-truck.  My nose is running, my throat is a bit sore, I am still coughing, and I am extremely fatigued. I have to finish one paper today and then work on my other one. Not to mention that I have lots of reading to do and four hours of class tonight.  Next week will be the end of the semester, and it can not come fast enough for me. I need a serious break. I get three weeks, and that will have to be good enough.

It is snowing again. At first, I was a bit disgruntled, but then I realized, this spring snow will only make us appreciate the good weather days that much more.  It is pretty, but I want the sunshine. Maybe I will have more energy with the sun.

4/23/19

My cough kept me up from 1-4 this morning. I tried working on my paper, I watched a TV show on my phone, I laid there attempting to sleep, but nothing worked. Finally, I dozed between 4-6.  As the day went on, I began to feel worse. My body began to ache and my cough intensified.  I had an occupational therapy appointment and wanted to cancel, but their policy is to charge for cancelations less than 24 hours, so I went. That was not a good choice. By the time I got there, I felt absolutely horrible.  I went to the store and got some Robitussin and drank that. An hour later the Tylenol in it kicked in, and the body aches began to subside I went to the doctor to have my lungs checked out.  They are completely cleared. It's all in my throat, and she said the sinus infection never went away. So I am back on antibiotics and have my third eye drop prescription due to the infection backing up into my left eye.  I cough so hard that I dry heave. I swear I am going to pop some blood vessels.

I got fantastic news tonight! I received a scholarship from the Mat-Su Health Foundation! It's enough to pay for 1.5 semesters, and I cannot be happier or more grateful. The first thing I said when I read the email, was, "thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus, for making this happen." I am feeling incredibly blessed and grateful tonight. Graduate school is expensive, and I'm not able to work to contribute towards it. God made it clear to me that this is what he wants me to do and he continues opening the doors. God is good all the time, all the time, God is good.

4/26/19

What a fantastic feeling to almost be finished with this semester. A whole year of graduate school practically done!  I have two tests left and have one paper to turn in, but it's written. Just doing some final editing.  It's an organizational change paper focusing on the need for a woman's transitional living center in Mat-Su. My idea is for women who are finishing their residential treatment at Set Free to go right into this sober living home to further improve their potential to retain sobriety.  We lack in sober living homes in the Valley.  We have a few, but the need is so great there is a long waiting list to get into them.  Even though I whine about all the schoolwork, I genuinely do enjoy learning.

Mom and I went and watched the three girls do open gymnastics yesterday. Afterward, Ollie and I visited with my parents, and then Meghan, Ailynn, and Boe came over for the afternoon. We ended up keeping Ollie and Ailynn all night. I'm also going to have them Saturday night and take them to church Sunday morning. Ollie has been begging to go to church.  She is so curious about God and often makes up songs about him. Yesterday she was singing that God is so sad. I asked her why she thought that. Her response didn't surprise me because she's pretty in tune with things. She said," God is sad because people do naughty things." Yes, Ollie, people do a lot of naughty things that make God sad!

4/30/19

I did keep the girls Saturday night, and we had a lot of fun. We took a walk, played Chutes & Ladders, I bathed them, and they watched a movie.  They loved church and Uncle Casey was so excited to see them. He was surprised and grateful to give them hugs and Ollie was absolutely delighted to see him. Ailynn was a bit shy, but Casey was understanding.

I leave tonight for no less than 12 medical appointments at Mayo and one visit to the transplant center representing Be the Match. I'm tired already and haven't left. I turned in all my papers and took two finals. I didn't do great on the finals, but hopefully good enough to keep my A.

Patrick has the chest cold now and stayed home sick today. Poor guy. I thought I kept my germs to myself, but I guess not.

5/2/19

The first of twelve medical appointments in two days. It’s never easy to come back here as my thoughts wander to memories that were less than stellar. Memories of painful times and uncertainty, and recollections of times when I was sicker than anyone should ever be. But with those memories is an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that God never left my side as I fought so hard to live. Today I celebrate victory; Victory of overcoming adversity. On the way here this morning Mandisa's song, “Overcomer” was on the radio. A coincidence? I think not. God’s way of reminding me that I AM an overcomer and I am here to complete the job he has lined out for me. So when those painful memories arise, I will tell them to go away. I know the plans my God has for me.

So far so good. I have more doctor appts tomorrow, but Dr. Hogan is pleased. I got to spend the day with a friend I met down here. Tara had a bone marrow transplant about six months after mine. She’s had far more complications than me, and I feel sad she’s had to endure such pain. I’m thankful for her. Tomorrow I have a few more appointments then I will be speaking with patients on the bone marrow transplant floor.

5/5/19

I fell asleep around 7 pm last night and woke up about 5:30 Am this morning. I was woken up many times during the night but kept going back to sleep. I was jet-lagged. I had the bright idea to have the girls as soon as I got home. Patrick was able to take care of them because I could hardly move; I was so fatigued. I had been up since 0430 AK time, so it makes sense to be exhausted.

I ended getting one appointment scheduled in on Friday and perhaps it was the most valuable appointment of all.  One of the medical providers I had before that suggested I see someone in their wellness clinic.  Brian Case was the provider in the back and spine clinic. After listening to me describe my pain, he confided that he had a bone marrow transplant 24 years ago for CML. Now he has pancreatic cancer! He looked terrific, and I couldn't believe he was still working and doing well. He understood my pain and thought the wellness center could help. He said they offered a three-week seminar for people in chronic pain.

The dollar signs were flashing before my eyes thinking about being in Rochester for three weeks, but I am desperate. I was told they only had an appt Monday and I was not going to change my appt to see someone. I went down there and asked if there was any way they could fit me in on Friday. (the same day) I laughed and said, "this is where I feel like I should slip you a $20 for a table." I didn't have to give them $20, but they did get me in.  The provider started off drawing a picture of a brain and discussing how all the parts work when there is a pain in the body. What she said made sense because I had just studied it in class, but also, my occupational therapist had been telling me my body is full of tension and I need to learn to relax.  It is hard for me to repeat all that was said, but basically, since my leukemia treatments had begun, I have protected my body from pain by tensing up every part of my body. By doing this I am unable to relax my muscles. The tenser my muscles are, the more pain I feel. I have to learn to relax every part of my body through mindfulness exercises which include deep breathing, therapy to deal with the thoughts that I always have to be perfect and stretching and strength-based training exercises, a continuation of twice a week occupational therapy, and once a week massage therapy. That is a huge commitment to do all of this. She doesn't guarantee She doesn't think I need to do their course but can do all this at home. I will be pain-free but thinks it will help. It does make sense. She had me pegged the moment I walked in the door as a perfectionist who beats herself up for anything less than perfect. I do a lot of beating myself up since I am never perfect.

I ended up with a B in one of my classes and I cannot tell you how many hours I cried. It was truly pathetic I'm sure. I kept saying, "I don't DO B's." Well, I guess I do because I have one. I felt stupid, inadequate, and incapable of participating in graduate school. I can see what she means.  She said most people with chronic pain are perfectionists who always want to control situations. That would be me. I stared at her at one point and asked, "How did you know?" I guess there truly is a mind-body-spirit connection. I have a lot to work on and think about.  

Friday night I got to spend the evening with Pam. I met Pam last year when I went to visit patients and families at Station 94 and share information about Be the Match services with them.  Pam's husband had recently had a transplant. We hit it off quickly as we had a lot in common. We have kept in contact through texting and FB and I was delighted when she drove to my hotel to have dinner with me.  Pam had recently been diagnosed with lymphoma which is unbelievable. Thankfully it is a slow-growing lymphoma with minimal treatments. She is a delightful woman and my experience with leukemia has allowed me to meet the most wonderful people.

5/9/19

I picked something up on the plane and had horrible stomach pain from Sunday evening till yesterday. Just stabbing pain without nausea. I guess I can be thankful not to have been nauseous.  It's made for a week without getting much done. Mom and I are going to Anchorage together today and I am looking forward to that. I am grateful I still have my mom to hang out with. I'm grateful to have both my parents! Saturday is Mom's birthday so I am treating her to lunch today to celebrate. Saturday she and Meghan and I will be creating flower arrangements together at the Sutton Library and I look forward to that as well.

We kept the big girls Saturday night and took them to church Sunday. We will have all three girls this Saturday. Hopefully, Boe will do better than she did last time.

My little cousin had her baby yesterday. A cute little boy who I will get to see today. Chelsey is only 18 and a single mom so she will need lots of support.

I got my "report card" and have a 3.9 GPA. I went from a 4.0 all through undergrad to this semester with my first B. I am still not happy about it but I have accepted it. I have no other choice.... Working on that perfectionism problem of mine.

5/13/19

I am not working and I am off school for two weeks. Well, one week left. I can't get to any appointments on time and I'm always rushing. What the heck do I do with my time?  I do know that Saturday was busy as we celebrated my mom's birthday by Meghan and I taking her to Sutton Library and doing a flower arranging class with her.  She came home with a beautiful bouquet.  Looking back I realize we should have had her over for dinner and I can't believe my thoughtlessness.  Thursday Mom and I went to Costco and I treated her to an early birthday lunch. I hope she feels loved!  Saturday night we kept all three girls overnight so we could take them to church to see Uncle Casey on Mother's Day.

Ollie and Ailynn decided we needed to pick up trash alongside the road and in the woods next to our house. It was hilarious to work with those two. I could only find gloves for Ollie and me so I asked Ailynn to hold the bag for us. She decided that she didn't want Ollie to deposit any trash- it was only to be me. I whispered to Ollie to try and compliment Ailynn and tell her how wonderful she was. Well, that didn't work either.  Ollie whispered to me, "Oh you better tell Mama about this. This is going bad!" I laughed so hard I cried. The bag got full, we weren't done but it began to rain and I got extremely tired so we called it a night. Patrick got Ailynn asleep in our bed and I went to sleep with her while he got Boe asleep in the bed with Ollie downstairs. In the middle of the night, Ailynn woke up and saw the curtains on my window and it scared her. She only wanted Papa and I couldn't calm him down. I found him on the downstairs couch and the two girls were in the bedroom. I told him to go get in bed with Ailynn and I would sleep on the couch. I didn't sleep because my hips hurt so bad. He said he didn't sleep because Ailynn kept him up.

I got up about 0700 and made everyone a nice Mother's Day breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, got the three girls dressed and we went to church. Ollie decided she didn't want to go to class, Ailynn wasn't feeling well, and we decided to just keep Boe with us. Boe ended up falling asleep on Ollie, Ailynn started crying so Patrick took her to the car and she slept in there. I was exhausted.....

We got to Holly's house where we were having a big celebration for Granny. I gave Mom and Granny cards and told them I loved them. I got a plate of food and was hanging out with Ailynn. Then she vomited all over Holly's couch. I cleaned that up and went back to eating. A little vomit won't stop me! Meghan took the girls home and Holly and some others headed across the street to rake Granny's yard. I begged off citing pain and fatigue which Holly understood. Patrick has a broken foot so he couldn't do anything. I felt like a loser. I came home and went to bed for two hours. I woke up and was trying to watch a movie with Patrick and kept falling asleep so I went back to bed. I slept until 0830 this morning and am now running out of time before my appointments this morning. I have a teleconference with Be the Match that I am cofacilitating and need to get prepared.

I just can't seem to get organized anymore I did mop my floors after church yesterday so the house looks a bit better but it's still a mess. I have a big yard to rake and I don't have much energy at all.. I need to figure out what I'm doing with my time and modify it.

But for Mother's Day, I must say I am so very thankful to have my grandmother at the age of 91 still here and still the heart of my family. I am also so grateful to have my beautiful mom here on earth with me. She is an incredible person and I'm blessed. I wish I could have known her mom and I know Mom misses her so much. Family is everything and we must love and appreciate each member because each member offers unique value to the family.

May 14, 2019

I am alive and my French baby is thriving in me. Today I celebrate four years of having different DNA. Four years of being completely free of leukemia. Today I celebrate with conflicted emotions. I am ALIVE but my son is not. He fought harder than me to live. He was sicker than me. He was only 11 when he took his last breath on earth. Why am I here and he is not? Survivors guilt is vicious and real. I don't have the answer but I know my God loves me and he cares for me and understands my conflicted emotions. Let me assure you, I would trade my life for Logan's any day. I would have died for him if it had meant he would live.

God healed me and I honor him for that. I will do his work here on earth to thank him. I appreciate life and I am so grateful. There are so many people who supported me financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and I am so appreciative.

This is a day to celebrate! I am ALIVE!!!! Thank you, Jesus, Lord of my life. I have my parents and grandma, lots of family members, dear husband, my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughters, and my son Casey who recently rededicated his life to God. I have many friends who bless me. I am grateful.

5/15/19

I  got sick right before my impromptu party. Stomach virus and fever yet again. Dr. Hogan said I might have trouble with my immune system for the next 20 years. Not encouraging! I’m supposed to get an IgG test. If the results are lower than 500 I will get monthly IV injections to boost my immune system.

5/16/19

I'm still really sick. Last night I was running a high fever. Today it's down to 99 but my stomach is still rolling. I made it to my OT but was miserable the whole time. I had to cancel my medical massage yesterday. The most disappointing thing is I had to cancel dinner plans with my two lovely friends. We have had dinner planned for weeks. Amy moved to MN a few years ago and is up here only a week and this was the only time we could meet up.  I leave tomorrow for Seattle with Patrick for a business thing. That is if I am feeling better.  I'm fed up with being sick all of the time and I am very discouraged.

5/19/19

We just got back from Seattle and I am still sick. I tried to make the best of it but boy was it hard. I am very weak due to lack of nutrition and water. I feel like I did when I was diagnosed with leukemia. I am out of breath and it's hard to move. I am sure it's just the virus- Ailynn's lasted this long too, but my mind always goes to the "what if it's back?" I've been hearing from a lot of cancer survivors who are grateful to be alive but disappointed in how badly they feel after being subjected to chemo and/or radiation. A lot of people I've talked to also have chronic pain. If cancer doesn't get you, the treatment will!

Unfortunately one of the girls decided to shut our bedroom door while they were over while we were gone and our cat was trapped in the bedroom with no litter box, food, or water. She seems fine but we can't get the cat urine smell out of our room and it makes me sad to know my bedroom smells like a cat house.

5/26/19

Without wanting to sound ungrateful for surviving leukemia, I am going to speak honestly and frankly about how it feels to be a cancer survivor after transplant.

Yes, I am grateful to be alive. Yes, my leukemia is in remission. Yes, my hair has grown back. Yes, I have much to be thankful for.  What you don't notice is most days I have such little energy I must take a  nap or at least rest for a while.  There are times when I can barely put one foot in front of the other.  I go to the doctor's at least three times per week- sometimes five times.  This week is five times. I have occupational therapy three times to continue to try to help the excruciating hip pain that keeps me up all night.  I am making some progress as now I can sometimes walk 30 minutes before the pain starts. I went to my ANP Monday for an IV as I am very dehydrated. Everything I have eaten the last nine days goes straight through me and I am retaining no nutrients. Since that began, I cannot keep my blood sugars normalized. If it weren't for my glucose monitor or the sensor connected to my pump I would not have realized I was below 50 numerous times this past week. Yesterday I decided to do some weeding in the flower garden. No, that wasn't the smartest thing I could have done but I wanted to be NORMAL! I got exhausted and dropped to the ground. I decided to check my blood sugar and found it was 40. Most people would have called for an ambulance. I ate something and made dinner for Patrick. After dinner I spent an hour in the bathroom and then my summer class started. I was so sick during the entire class, yet I stuck it out even while thinking I was going to vomit. After it was over, I went to bed. Yes, I am grateful to be alive, but that doesn't mean my life is perfect or easy. I also went to the ENT yesterday. I have a polyp on my sinus, my voice box is red and swollen, and I need yet another CT scan. Yes, I am trying to be grateful.

5/24/19

I had "rotavirus" a common childhood illness that is not good for people with compromised immune systems. 8.5 days of pure agony with limited food and water intake. I'm finally eating and drinking and feeling better. But (of course) the sinus infection flared up again. At least I feel a bit more emotionally stable!

I started classes this week. My medical social work class is going to be fantastic.  The other class I am not so sure about. I have several papers to write and TONS of reading.  One assignment I am going to love- I have to create a Valley resource guide. I love resources!

I hired a couple of guys from the Dream Center yesterday to come to plant some shrubs for me. Patrick is limited due to his broken foot and I don't have the strength or stamina. They did a good job and it looks so much better. However, I do have TONS more weeding to do this weekend.  I stayed home rather than going to the cabin. There are nine guests down there and I need a bit more quiet to do my schoolwork. I feel bad that I will be missing out on visiting with my grandchildren, but with being so sick for so long and school, it's best I don't have too much stimulation I think.

5/26/19

It's a good thing I didn't go to the cabin. Baby Boe is really sick with a bad cold. Our elderly Kasilof neighbors Harold & Christine are very sick and Christine is in the hospital. Patrick has been working on grinding the logs at the cabin before re-staining them and I'm sure it's very dusty.

I mowed the lawn yesterday and was so proud of myself for doing so. I was also so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch about 7:30 and didn't wake up till 11:30 and then crawled into bed and slept until 0700.  Mark & Sharmin are so busy at the greenhouse and Sharmin asked me to pick up boxes for them from Three Bears yesterday. I delivered boxes four times to them. Customers were buying so much they kept running out. That's not a bad thing!  I also dropped off a bunch again today. I haven't been able to help them out for a few years so I was honored to be asked.

Church was fantastic again today. I sure do like Summit Worship. I started going because that is where Casey goes. I love seeing him worship God so freely.  God has really been convicting me of being more satisfied with my life.  Things are different and I must get used to that and learn to be okay with the changes.

5/31/19

The last day of May is here. The year is almost half over. Did I make a difference in the life of another this year? What have I done to support others. I wonder if I die tomorrow what others will say about my life. I want to be known as a compassionate person who is full of love.

It is almost midnight and I am ready for bed. I had a three hour nap today at the cabin but I am still tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. Patrick was restless and kneed me three times on my bad hip. He’s snoring loudly and I have a feeling I will be going back out to our old camper in hopes of sleeping some..... At home I can go to another part of the house. I’m a bit more limited here as we have a guest in our loft.

It was a beautiful sunny day in Kasilof. I did get a short walk in despite my hip pain. Tomorrow I plan to go to Relay for Life in Soldotna. I am a survivor!