July

reside7/2/20

I cannot believe it is July already.  The summer is going by way too fast, especially since we continue to be delayed on opening our RV Park.  We are busting our butts trying to get it ready.  I am doing more physical work than I have done since I was diagnosed.  Sleep has continued to elude me for the most part, but I did get two good nights in a row, which helps.

I had a telehealth appointment with Mayo Clinic a couple of days ago, and the endocrinologist contradicted what my local endocrine doctor told me to do, so I am a bit confused.  This doctor wants to take me off the hydrocortisone and see if my pituitary gland will recover on its own but emphasized if I start feeling nauseous, have vomiting, or lose weight to up the dose. Huh? Alrighty then...... Mostly things are going well for me, and I am happy about that.

I have been at the cabin for over a week. I am anxious to go home to see Granny, but I have so much to do here that it's going to be a bit before I can get away.  I am still debating taking a couple of days this weekend to drive home, but it's such a long drive for just a couple of days. I don't know how Patrick does it each week!

I must get to work on the landscaping after I do some housework. I am happy I am closer to normal!  God is good.

7/4/20

Happy 4th of July and GOD BLESS AMERICA!  Now, more than ever, we need blessings from God.  Our country has gone insane.  I saw a video yesterday of people flipping off a police officer, bestowing insults upon him, blowing smoke in his face, and doing everything they could to torment him while he calmly stood still.  It was horrible to witness even by video.  I cannot fathom how anyone thinks treating another person like that is acceptable.  There is a considerable lack of appreciation for authority, and the need to offer compassion, kindness, and basic decency towards one another.  My heart hurts that our nation has resorted to this terrible behavior.  What is so ironic is the people who are doing it claim they are defending the rights of others and are demanding everyone be treated equally and be respected.  These are the people committing crimes, looting, and destroying historical monuments.  I don't understand it, but so many defend what is happening and even approve of it.  I saw an article that a teacher was charged with being part of the destruction of a statue, a history teacher that teaches our youth.  How can this ever be the right one to handle things? Yes, we need God.  COVID 19 is continuing to run rampant, and people are arguing about if it's "real" or made up.  I swear I sometimes think I'll just stay at the cabin and live off the land and have minimal contact with people.  Unfortunately, that's not going to work. I love people! I'm a social person and need human connection.  Again, God, PLEASE bless America.

As we celebrate the 4th of July, I hope that we each truly appreciate the freedom we have and feel grateful for living in America.  Now, more than ever, we realize how quickly freedom can be taken away.  We are living in a strange world at the moment, and it is a bit scary to think about what may happen to us individually and as a country.  We are currently experiencing uncertainty and chaos, morals are almost obsolete, violence is encouraged, people are cruel to one another, and anxiety is high.  We each can choose how we react to what is happening around us.  We must maintain hope for better days ahead.  Without hope, life is not worth living.  I have hope in myself, my friends, family, and country.  I have hope that we will be kind and compassionate to one another, and we will respect authority and honor all people.  I believe we can do this.  I thank every military member who has protected America and given us a free country to live in.  I thank every law enforcement officer who keeps us safe.  We are blessed to live in America and I hope we all remember how fortunate we are.  Let us offer love, hope, compassion, understanding, grace, and respect to each and every person we encounter.  God bless America and God bless each of you.

 

I have been awake since 0330 this morning.  I did get three decent nights of sleep in a row which is fabulous.  I woke up. yesterday feeling like I had been run over by a truck. I did not do much yesterday.  I think I have pushed myself way too hard this past week.  I managed to make a nice dinner last night for the guys and do a bit of housework, but I took the day off from all physical work at the RV Park.  Speaking of which, we are still in need of many prayers about the delays in opening.  Financially we are in great need of some income that we will not have until we open.  The guy who said he could do the sonotubes still hasn't shown up and the guy we bought the two big buildings from still hasn't arranged for a mover.  We cannot open until the washateria is here since all water, septic, and electric will be run through the building.  We are trying not to panic and to simply trust God but the bank account is dwindling and we are getting pretty nervous. 

The weather has been incredible this week and today is supposed to be very hot.  We Alaskans are not used to that so we tend to whine a bit.  It really seems we are never happy. It's either too hot or too cold, too rainy or too windy.  We truly need to learn to be grateful that we are alive and find the good in everything.  I get so upset with myself when I complain too much.  I want to be a blessing and encourager to others and that won't happen if I focus on the negative instead of the blessings frequently bestowed upon me from God.  I am grateful despite my worries and fears.  I claim blessings over our nation and our world.  I am determined to do my part to encourage peace and harmony. 

 7/6/20

The mornings continue to come early for me, usually between 3 & 4 I am wide awake. Last night I had trouble shutting my mind off so I took two over the counter sleeping pills. I had to drag myself out of bed to make lunch for Patrick before he left for work this morning. He has a conference call on Monday mornings and leaves the cabin right after that. I spent my morning trying to transfer the phone data from my current phone to my replacement phone with no luck. We don't have WiFi at the cabin so it makes it difficult to do things such as this. 

I realized I had not checked my blood sugar since 0830 this morning and obviously needed to do so. I could not find my glucometer anywhere. I was starting to panic but chose to pray instead. It's not uncommon for me to misplace things on a regular basis.  When I do, I pray, and Jesus helps me find the items every single time. It's almost uncanny how it happens and he gets all the credit and glory for that. If my little things are there important to him, imagine how important LIVES are to him!

 7/8/20

I woke up from a dream about Logan at 0400. I was begging him to forgive me when I woke up from the disturbing dream. It was my first dream of him in such a long time, maybe a couple of years. At least this time he wasn't dead or dying. He was a healthy boy in kindergarten and I expected too much of him. I showed up late at the school for an event, or something, which was disappointment number one. I was "too busy." Then he wasn't ready, so I told him he could walk home. The school is about 15 minutes walk to our house. I walked home and realized it was dark and rainy. I got lost and was frantically trying to find my way back to the school to get him. I ended up back at the house after some strange encounters.

I saw lights on at the house and felt hope that's he made it home. Then, I realized I had locked the door and he couldn't be inside. I turned around panicked again and he was standing there with another kindergartner, a little girl, looking at me with such reproach. I got down to his level and told him I was so sorry. He said, "I came home and you weren't there! "I again told him how sorry I was and went to hug him. He stood there stiffly and wouldn't hug me and I begged his forgiveness again.

I am glad I got to see him in my dream but I feel like everything I did wrong as a parent is keeping me captive. I failed him in so many ways.

7/10/20

This morning I woke up at 0230 filled with anxiety about finances and RV Park. I could not go back to sleep for anything. I made Patrick breakfast and visited with him for a bit before he went to work and then I dozed off and on for an hour.  I got home from the cabin yesterday.  I will only be here for three nights.  I mowed the lawn and did some paperwork.  My left arm is hurting really bad and I am not sure why. I can't take my shirt off without putting my head down low.  My right glute is hurting too. I sure hope my pain isn't coming back.  Hopefully, I just strained some things and it will dissipate soon.

Today would have been Casey's 10th wedding anniversary and my heart hurts for him today.  I know he's experiencing a lot of different emotions and I wish I could make it all better.  Addiction causes people to make terrible choices and exhibit awful behaviors.  When one is sober they spend a lot of time thinking about those bad choices. I hope and pray he uses today to be around good people who encourage him to maintain sobriety.

I am relieving my aunt tonight and will spend the night with Granny.  It won't be easy since I am also running on fumes, but she certainly needs a break which hopefully she can get by sleeping in her own bed.

The sonotubes/concrete were finally finished yesterday.  Supposedly, the store will be delivered to the RV Park Monday and the Washateria on Tuesday.  I will believe it when I see it but I am certainly hopeful and praying that God will keep everything safe.  We really need to open and definitely need to make some money to help pay all the bills we have incurred to get this park up and running.

I continue to be haunted by the dream about Logan. I discussed it with both Casey and Meghan and they both assured me I was a good mom and there is no reason to feel guilty.  I know guilt is not from God.

7/14/20

The store did not get delivered Monday. Sunday night the mover came by and said he would deliver it Wednesday. He seemed very competent. Yesterday, Matt and I drove to Anchor Point to make sure the store was indeed ready to be moved. Nothing had been done to prepare for the move. We boxed everything up. The guy we bought the buildings from informed us that he decided suddenly to change movers...... So, I honestly don't know when the buildings will be here. I do know we can't open until the washateria is here and Patrick and Matt run the electric through it. Speaking of electric, we have no electricity until HEA comes by and turns it on. They are "too busy" to do so. It is really hard to be patient right now. We have so much money going out and none coming in.

Today is Meghan and Kirk's 8th anniversary. That's something to celebrate! 

7/16/20

We continue working on many things related to the Rv Park and we continue to be delayed in getting the buildings. Yesterday I focused on putting rock rings around all of the shrubs I planted. Granny and I used to pick up rocks for landscaping which instilled a love for rocks in me. We have an overabundance of them so why not use them? Yesterday was another hot and sunny day. We all worked hard. Patrick and Matt got the moose cabin mud and taped.

Casey called me last night and we talked for quite a while. I enjoy our conversations. He said he had just gotten off the phone with Meghan and they had talked for a couple of hours. That made this mom's heart happy.

i slept from midnight to four and then was up for a couple of hours, but did sleep another hour. That hour brought crazy dreams including a talking and singing cat.....

7/18/20

We won't even talk about my lack of sleep last night.  I am dragging a bit today.  Patrick figured out the electric so now Casey's Bear Den is fully functional.  We have guests in it tonight.  My uncle and his family are here too and turns out, the couple staying in the Bear Den has a son who is a friend of my little cousin, Ajai.  Ajai wasn't here but their son recognized Ajai's dog.   It is such a small world!

The guys are getting ready to go fishing again so I guess I better do the nice wife/auntie thing and make them some food!

I got them food and sent them on their way. I just booked a cabin for guests next week! I" m so excited.  We have one couple here tonight and the other couple will be here for three nights next week.  We are also getting our washateria delivered on Tuesday morning but are unsure when the store/office will be delivered since the truck of that mover broke down.  I hope tomorrow or Monday for sure!  Things are starting to look a bit less grim for us thankfully.  God is always good and I must remember that.

7/20/20

After taking over the counter sleeping pills for two nights and sleeping well, I decided to try a night without them. I could not go to sleep until midnight, and I woke up at 0430. I don't want to rely on sleeping aids but I need more than 4 hours of sleep a night! 

More positive COVID tests weigh heavily on my mind. This is a world we never imagined we would live in. Finances, life, and good health are all uncertain. People continue arguing about whether COVID is real or imagined. People argue whether masks are helpful or not. Violent protests are still happening and people have literally gone crazy.  I saw a video taken in San Jose and people were violently hitting cars in support of Black Lives Matter. Innocent people simply trying to get to their destination were in fear of their lives because protesters were smashing their cars with makeshift weapons. All of this is predicted in the Bible and I can honestly say I wish JESUS would come back and take us home to Heaven. This world is crazy.

I have so many worries myself and worry is not from God. I try and have faith and peace that God is in control and this will soon pass, but Satan keeps throwing the "what if's" at me. I miss church and haven't even watched online for a month. I need Christian fellowship desperately.

7/21/2020

The washateria has been delayed again. I hope for tomorrow.  The other building move is still unknown.  The truck of that mover broke down and there is no word as to when the store will be on our property.  We have guests in our RV park- my family is in one and a friend is in another.  Another friend is renting the Bear Den Thursday-Sunday.  I remain busy emptying trash and cleaning.  Not to mention making sure Matt and Patrick have meals, snacks, and water on "breaks" from my own duties.

I have decreased my hydrocortisone over the past two days and so far am not noticing any negative effects. I hope that this works and my adrenal gland begins functioning again.  It would be nice to be "normal"

I have a friend going through a divorce and she is very sad.  Another friend is having a lot of marital problems.  I pray for all of our marriages.  Marriage isn't easy and we have to work on being selfish and thinking of our own wants, needs, and desires, and work hard to please our partners.  In a world where we focus on our OWN wants, needs, and desires, that is hard to do. I don't even recognize this world anymore.  There doesn't seem to be boundaries, rules, or ethics.

7/23/20

I am afraid this is going to be another day I am going to need a three-hour nap. Yesterday I woke up at 4:30 after not falling asleep until at least 11- might have been midnight. I did too much physical work and it sent me in a three- hour coma and I never really did feel right. Again, I was up late as I could not shut my mind off and have been awake since 0345. I do need to go grocery shopping so I probably will do that by 7. I haven't left the cabin a few days so it might be nice to see people! 

I had a Zoom reentry meeting last night and it was really informative. There were three panelists who were formerly incarcerated. They shared what changes took place to finally help them break free from addiction and incarceration. Two of them are still struggling a bit as they were recently incarcerated. The third has been out for a bit and is finishing up her master's degree in public health! It was so helpful to hear from these individuals about what they need to be successful as they transition back into society after incarceration. 

My heart aches for all of the hurting people in the world. There are so many cancer diagnosis, deaths from cancer, deaths from COVID, deaths from substance abuse, etc. I want to be an encourager and sometimes that is difficult because I don't feel encouraged myself. It is easy to get used to the isolation. I don't interact with many people in person. I do keep in touch with some people by phone. When I do have the chance to visit in person, I quickly realize how much I have missed that interaction. We were created to be social beings. I haven't been to church in months and I miss it. 

I look forward to going back to Wasilla on August 7th. My plan is to spend three nights at home. I really need those nights in my house. I want to mow my lawn and see my beautiful flowers before they die! My yard is currently overgrown from the sounds of it. Patrick will hopefully mow it next week. Due to finally getting one of our buildings here at the RV Park, he's taken a lot of vacation time. One building is onsite but not on the ground yet. It's still on the truck. We HOPE the other building will be here by Friday but we've learned to be disappointed in counting on others to do what they are supposed to do.

Isn't that so common though? We get disappointed because our needs are not being met. How do we deal with that? Do we handle it with grace or do we throw fits and make everyone around us miserable? Do we remember to focus on our blessings and not just our disappointments? Life isn't easy and right now it's crazy! The world seems to be falling apart. Christians need to stand firm on their faith and remember that God is, and always will be, the God of the universe. This is a small portion of hardship. Eternity in Heaven is what we must look forward to. I can personally say I am ready for his coming.

 7/25/20

Yesterday was another "blah" day for me. I took another 3-hour nap.  I was absolutely exhausted. I think the constant downpour of rain did not help any.  I had no energy.  Last night I had so much difficulty falling asleep so it was another restless night.  This afternoon I am going to the grand opening of Set Free Men's Residential Treatment Center opening in Homer. I look forward to seeing their new beautiful building.  I hope and pray many men are healed from addiction and trauma at this new center.

We did get the washateria delivered two days ago and it still needs to be hooked up to electric by the electrician and Patrick needs to do the plumbing.  Despite assurances and promises for the last month the store will be here, it still has not arrived. I don't know why I am surprised but I can guarantee you I am extremely disappointed and fed up with the whole situation.

There are so many people depressed right now and feeling hopeless.  Being physically distant from one another due to COVID is hard. Our country continues to be at odds with one another over this debate "if COVID" is real or not, or "if masks help or not." I'm sick of it all. I am sick of the ugliness and the hate people spew at one another. I am fed up with those who are destroying monuments and businesses.

I miss my parents, my kids, my grandkids, and my grandma.  I miss mowing my lawn and seeing my beautiful flowers.

7/28/2020

The chill in the air this morning reminded me that fall is just around the corner.  Although the weather is expected to be warm today, we know that soon it is going to be chilly throughout the day.  That makes us remember we have to prepare for the upcoming winter.  As I thought about that, I started focusing on all of the subtle reminders we encounter each day.  Are we utilizing the reminders as we should and preparing for them and being proactive? Or, are we ignoring them and focusing only on what pleases us?  Perhaps we don't want to face reality so it's easier to ignore the signs and reminders.

In the last couple of days, I have been reminded of how blessed I am to be free from the constant pain in my hips and body. I have seen post after post from cancer patients asking if the pain they are experiencing is "normal" as far as what other cancer patients go through. I have flashbacks of that pain and I am reminded of how miserable it was to hurt all of the time.  I remember the limitations I had walking and simply moving.  I am reminded of how awesome God is when he chose to heal me of that pain after FIVE YEARS!  

This morning I saw a post from a friend who recently completed breast cancer treatment.  I have seen other posts from her doing one activity after another and wondered how she had the energy to do so.  Today it was obvious she crashed.  Too much activity and not enough rest.  She sounded discouraged and emotionally exhausted.  It reminded me that again, five years out, I do the same thing.  I try to perform like I have never had cancer treatment and I can do "normal" things without repercussion.  That is not true.  Three times last week I crashed after a day of doing way too many things. I had to sleep for about three hours each time.  I literally felt like I had been run over by a train.  One day I could hardly open my eyes.  Patrick asked me if I had been crying.  I replied, no I just feel awfully tired and I can't do anything today except sit here." I was reminded that I am not yet "normal" and I have to accept my limitations as difficult as that is.

I watched a video on protestors attacking the vehicles of NY Police and I am reminded that this country has literally gone insane.  I am reminded that so many do not know Jesus.  For if they did, they would not be destroying police cars, killing people, vandalizing property, and spewing hate.  I am reminded that we live in a sinful world, but I remember who God is and how this is not our home.  It does remind me that I need to be a godly example in a world full of evil and corruption.

It is essential that we take the little reminders that God puts in our path and focus on him and all that he is.  We must remember that he is the God of the universe.  He is here for us to share our hurts and problems with, our joy, he is the creator of all good things, our great provider, our refuge, and our strength.  He loves us and he wants us to be all that we can be. We can be that person if we rely on him and follow him.  Through subtle things, God reminds us he is here for us.  We know that by taking the time to look at the beauty around us, see the people who suddenly "appear" in our lives, noticing the little things people say that resonates with us, and realizing that our needs are indeed being provided.  God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.

Today I am thankful for those little reminders.  Without gratefulness, I would be a miserable person only focusing on the negative things.  May we all never know a day or moment without God.

7/31/2020

My friend Debbie drove down from Wasilla to spend the past two nights with me. I truly needed to hang out with a friend. Despite my protests that I can easily be isolated, I do miss social connection after time. We have laughed, walked, and simply visited with one another. Last night she and Matt went to the Kasilof beach and I picked up some rocks that thought would look nice in the RV Park. Today, Debbie and I will spray paint some rocks that she formed in flower Petals. She did that at her house and they are adorable!

I had to take two over the counter sleeping pills last night to get to sleep. I finally went to sleep about 0230. I have a feeling I will be taking a nap today.

My friend Amy's father is in the hospital with COVID.  He is currently in remission From multiple myeloma which is a deadly blood cancer. Please pray for him, especially that he knows Jesus and feels his peace. Of course please pray for his healing too.

August

8/3/20

I think today is the 3rd. My days all run together. I am tired and weary. I am very homesick and plan to go home tomorrow for a few days. It won't be so relaxing there either. I promised to stay with Granny a couple of days, I volunteered to water at the Garden of Reflection, and I have a bone marrow drive on Saturday. I'm worried about that one and being exposed to COVID. Sleep is still difficult for me and I have been awake since 0230 this morning. Sometimes I wonder what a "normal life" really is. Right now few of us truly know.

Our nephew Matt will return to Colorado next week. He's been a true blessing for us by helping so much! We never would have gotten this far without him. We are grateful to him. We wish the store had been delivered, HEA would hook up electric, and our flooring was installed in the moose cabin. Everyone has an excuse and it's been so challenging to stay grateful and hopeful. We couldn't open completely this year but are thankful we were able to accommodate a few guests.

Casey is really sick and I am fervently praying it's not COVID. We are awaiting test results. If he has it, my parents will get it too. I don't want any of them to have it!

8/5/20

It turns out that yesterday was August 4th.  The things you learn....Being isolated at the cabin all summer has minimized contact with the outside world and reality.  Reality came crashing back yesterday after I discovered that one of our guests in our rental cabin is positive for COVID. Because I know her, I lowered my guard and was within less than a few feet of her- granted outside, but still.  I also cleaned the cabin after they left and did not wear a mask.  She told me yesterday she had tested positive.  My doctor's office told me I have to test so I will get the test on Thursday.  Evidently the window of exposure is 3-5 days.  I drove back to Wasilla last night and will isolate here until I know if I have it.  I am more worried that I exposed Patrick and Matt then I am about me getting it, although I suspect if I do get it that it will be pretty bad.  I have damaged lungs from pneumonia and treatment, I am immunocompromised, and it doesn't sound good for me.  I do have faith and believe I will be okay.  I also worry more about Casey and my parents.  We are still awaiting Casey's results.

On the drive back yesterday there were dozens of people stopped in the road to watch two grizzly bears standing up roaring in the water as rafters were nearby.  It was a powerful sight to see, but I sure wouldn't want to be the ones in the raft!  

I had a terrible dream that woke me up today. I dreamed that Patrick told me he hated everything I cook.  There wasn't much that he liked about me in my dream and I was running through the house crying during this dream.  Ugh.  That isn't a great way to start the day.  

I will spend today paying bills and doing some bookkeeping and I have two Zoom meetings for volunteer stuff related to prisoner reentry.  That's my day......I can take Ringo for a walk today too since no one will be on the road with me.  Hopefully, the rain will hold off a bit. 

8/6/20

I am doing everything I can to avoid going to get my COVID test today. I'll go but I don't want to!!! I sound like a child, don't I. I have had numerous influenza tests and RSV tests and I doubt this test is much different. As my niece, Michelle said, "Aunt Kelly, you have had bone marrow biopsies without anesthesia. I think you can handle a COVID test!"

Yesterday turned into a fabulous day!  I took Ringo for that walk and then put my bikini on and laid out on the deck. Now not many would like to see a 53-year-old woman in a bikini, but it was just my dog and me so it was okay. It will probably be one of the last days like that for quite a while.

I got bad news about some friends this week. One's husband's tumor is growing instead of shrinking and they don't want to do chemo.  The insurance company is deciding if they will pay for an alternative treatment.  Another friend said her doctor gave her a 5% chance of living another year.  My friend Amy's dad is doing better after being diagnosed with COVID and hospitalized.  He has multiple myeloma which makes it even more concerning.  The little children I have been praying for, the ones with cancer, are all struggling but overall hanging in there.  There is an unlimited number of people to pray for.

I am not exactly sure why I am obsessed with cooking dreams, although I suspect it has something to do with a couple of picky eaters I have been feeding all summer. This morning I awoke from a dream where I had a restaurant and people LOVED my cooking! They even lined up on a day that we were closed. However, I apparently was mean to my staff and they cried a lot.....

8/7/20

I am officially depressed. I have diagnosed myself. I have no interest in doing anything.  I'm going to make myself take Ringo for a walk. The sun is shining and maybe it will help.  I can't get motivated to do anything.  I'm home for a few days and because I have to stay isolated until I get my COVID results I feel stifled and useless.  You'd think I'd use my time wisely and do things around here but I have NO INTEREST in doing anything! I am lonely, bored, and sad.