September

9/1/20

It was a gorgeous sunny day today, defying the odds of it being another blustery fall day like yesterday was. September came in gently and warmly which I appreciate. I did a lot of cleaning today and once again,was worn out and had to take a very long nap to recover. I wish I could be normal.

My mom arrived safely in Texas and I miss her lots. Dad will be here in a week and I look forward to seeing him. I HATE that my parents don't live in Alaska anymore. I do want them, my children, and grandchildren to be happy wherever they choose to live. It doesn't mean I need to be happy about it though!

I miss socializing with people and I miss going to church. I miss hugs and long walks with friends. I miss my husband too. We haven't seen much of each other this summer.

Lord, please help me to be thankful, joyful, loving, peaceful, content, and compassionate.

9/2/20 

Pride goeth before a fall. 
Yesterday I was so proud of myself for working so hard. I cleaned the washateria and the bear den. I took Ringo for a short walk after all of that. I washed load after load of clothes. You know you are "losing" it when you apologize to the washer when you try and open the lid when it's not ready! 
Today, I can hardly move. I fell asleep during a Zoom meeting and I've been in bed the entire day. I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion. I MUST learn to pace myself.

9/6/20

Yesterday there was the joyful laughter of children playing at the RV Park.  They were riding bikes all around and having so much fun.  After barely seeing people for the past several weeks, I appreciated the company and the delight only children seem to have.  Caitlin, Logan's friend, and my new neighbor came down with her husband and children for two nights in an RV.  It's so nice to spend time with them.  We have also had both cabins occupied this weekend but have barely seen the guests as they're enjoying the sights of Alaska.  

My energy level is a tad bit better, but I am still lagging in energy.  I hope that the fatigue diminishes soon and my energy level increases.  My transplant team thinks I need blood cultures. I disagree.  I think it's all related to my non-existent cortisol level.  They took me off the hydrocortisone to "jumpstart" my pituitary gland.  It doesn't seem to be working.  Or, maybe it's working and my body is trying to fix itself?

My dad gets here Tuesday and I am so excited. I haven't seen him since December last year and I can't wait to visit with him.

This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad in it. My mom used to sing that song to wake me up.  How true the words are. We do have lots of rejoicing to do because we are here.

9/8/20

Five minutes is all it took to complete something I have been dreading for weeks. Five minutes..... I had this one little business matter to take care of but I didn't want to do it because I wasn't sure it would be easy to do.  It was like having a paper hanging over my head that I didn't want to write, but once I started, it wasn't that bad!  I've never thought of myself as a big procrastinator, but there are some things that I must admit I procrastinate about!  It made me think about all the wasted time worrying and opportunities missed because of fear of the unknown.  I do not want to be held captive by fear. I want to remember that God gave me a brain, strength, and confidence!  I am a capable person and I need to keep that in mind at all times.

I'm going to go home for a few days to spend some time helping Dad. I plan on surprising hin at the airport tonight.  I'll need to come back by Friday, but a couple of days helping him is better than none!  Of course, I hope he will be able to come to see our RV part too before he leaves.

I have continued to be tired and I feel so lazy because I am unable to work for very long before I need to rest. Patrick keeps telling me not to worry about it, but it really bothers me that I can't function like "a normal person."

9/12/20

It has been a busy few days. I have done a lot of cleaning and continue to feel exhausted. I'm discouraged about the lack of progress I am making and worry that Patrick will get fed up with me and my need to sleep a lot.

We are going to South Carolina in October to see his mom who isn't doing well. Meghan and the girls are meeting us in Seattle and flying down with us! I can't wait to see them!!

September 11th came and went- memories of the awful day when the unthinkable happened, America was attacked. We Americans are cocky and believe nothing bad can happen here. But it did. We lost a lot of lives and gained dilligence in the need to be wary of further attacks. Dilligence has led to fear of those whose views and religions are different from our own. It has led to hate and violence. This world has changed so much. So much violence and hate openly displayed. I saw a video of young teens taunting police and calling officers vile names. I just don't understand how we have gotten to this place where entitlement has taken over common courtesy and respect.

Life is hard, but God is great. We must have faith and trust in him.

9/16/20

It is getting dark earlier and getting light later. We know what that means, winter is around the corner. The passing of the seasons is bittersweet to me. We are here to experience the changing of the seasons, but with each season, we know we are aging and life is changing. I live in Alaska so it sounds strange to say that I dread the snow. The snow IS beautiful, but with it comes those strong and ferocious winds, icy roads, and lots of accidents. I am not ready!

A friend lost her father to cancer and another friend's cancer may have returned. It is hard to know what to say sometimes, especially when I am not feeling well myself. The fatigue continues to haunt me and I continue feeling inadequate and frustrated.

I am going to do the best I can today. I will start with a shower and then make my bed. I have heard making your bed is a motivator. I've always been a bed maker, but this week I haven't even cared. I care today so that seems like a good sign!

9/18/20

My dad got all of their Texas bound stuff loaded. Now I hope he can rest and visit me in Kasilof and spend time with friends in Wasilla. I miss my dad and can't wait to come home and spend that last week with him. I don't know when I'll get a chance to get to Texas to visit again but I do hope it is sooner than later.

I have been awake since 0330 and I didn't sleep well before I gave up trying to go back to sleep. My hips are hurting again- they burn so bad at night. I was so exhausted yesterday and didn't have a nap so I thought I'd sleep well. Maybe tonight.

Patrick tried moose hunting this year, working around his busy schedule. He ended up helping Dad over a few days, drove a long way to get two flat tires and constant rain. He gave up and went back home. Poor guy!!

I really should be doing something productive but I have little motivation to do anything!